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We never have sex...
Poohbear's post below finally encouraged me to post my own problem.
DH and I have been together almost 4 years, married a couple of months ago. My lack of desire for sex started probably 6 months ago or so. I just don't want to have sex...ever. I love to cuddle and kiss and be close to DH, but I just can't bring myself to ever be in the mood or desire sex with him. We have a great relationship and I can't contribute this issue to him personally, because I love him more than anything and wish I could give him everything he wanted.
Let me say that I am clinically depressed, well controlled IMO with fluoxetine once a day, I also have hypothyroidism which is controlled with synthroid. I also have taken OCPs since I was 18.
I think this is a mental problem more than anything. Before I met DH, I dated a couple guys both of which I had sex with, but more than that I had very promiscuous relationships in college, mostly with men I did not know well and seemed to show me the attention that I wanted at that time. I still have issues with this and think about those encounters a lot, which in turn make me feel guilty and disgusted with my own body and what I have done.
When DH and I do make love, I get into it and enjoy it, and then I wonder afterwards, "Uh, why are we not doing that more often?" We cuddle a bit and then go on with our day and I vow to do it more often! But when the days turn into weeks and there is no sex happening after that encounter I get upset. I look at DH and feel bad that I do want to give him what he wants/needs. I start to think back to previous sexual experiences in college, and I become grossed out by oral sex and intercourse. It actually disgusts me and I imagine watching myself doing it and become completely resistant to the idea.
DH and I have spoken about this a lot outside of the bedroom and he just ends up feeling bad that he doesn't know what to say to me or how to help me. He wishes that I loved my body and that I loved to be intimate with him because he love it. I do love it, in the moment, but when I go back to regular life I think back to how disgusted I am by the act.
I do see a counselor for my depression but have been too nervous/embarrassed to bring up the issue with sex to her. I don't know why. She is a counselor and that is what she is there for.
I know what you are going to say, TALK TO THE COUNSELOR DANGIT! I know that is what I need to do...I am just at my wits end and so incredibly sad and consumed by this that I don't know where to go from here. I wish I was not depressed and "normal", wanting to be all over my new husband, but I just can't.
Long vent, sorry.
Re: We never have sex...
sexual side effects are common with fluoxetine; they include anorgasmia and reduced libido.[28]
http://cerhr.niehs.nih.gov/chemicals/fluoxetine/fluoxetine_final.pdf
So you were a little slvtty in college... who cares lots of people were. I'm a little concerned about your feeling towards your past because they don't seem healthy. Did your H make you feel bad and guilty about your past? Is it just a complex of yours? Did one of those previous encounters lead to trauma?
I think that maybe some therapy to figure out why you feel disgust when you think about your past and why you allow those feelings to interrupt your life now will benefit you. I'm sorry you are dealing with those feeling and I hope that you will allow them to stop controlling your life so that you can move on and be happy.
You're right, we're going to tell you that you need to talk to someone about this. It isn't normal to feel this way about yourself or about sex.
You're with your DH now and he loves you and you love him. What either of you did or didn't do in the past sexually doesn't make a difference now. He loves you for who you are, not for what you have or haven't done prior to being with him.
You and your DH deserve a normal sex life (and I use the word normal not to mean that YOU are abnormal, but your thought process about sex is).
I think you will be so much happier and relieved once you talk to someone. It will be like a huge weight has been lifted off of you. You know that you can't continue your relationship like this, so really, it's your only option.
Good luck!
Maybe telling him and him reassuring you that it doesn't matter to him will help you. If someone close to you that cares about you reassures you that you are not horrible or disgusting, then maybe you will believe it for yourself.
You might want to talk to a counselor before you talk to your DH because they might advise you to approach it in a specific way.
Have a complete blood workup with your ob-gyn. There might be other issues with your hormones that are impacting your libido. I say this because you were apparently having a reasonable sex life with your now-DH before you got married. If the drop in libido is this recent (6 months) there might be a physical cause.
If nothing shows up physically, take a look at your anti-depressant. Your body can get used to an anti-depressant and you might need a booster to keep you feeling good. Talk to your prescriber about your lack of libido -- there might be something else you can do.
Let's also look at something a little less obvious: kids. Your libido issues seem to be closely related to your wedding date. Chances are before you were married you were pretty rigorous with birth control. Now that you are married, there is no reason to avoid having children. Your parents may even be pressuring you to have kids. Suddenly, sex is carrying a lot more weight than it used to. Perhaps the reason you are avoiding sex is to avoid pregnancy and the responsibility of child-rearing at this moment in your life.
Honestly, you are acknowledging the problem early and that will help you press forward with finding a solution before it causes damages in your marriage.
Also have your thyroid levels retested.
It's either your meds that are doing this or it could be your thyroid levels are off -- they, too, can cause a lack of libido. GL.
This. I'm having similar issues, and the first thing my gyno did was a blood test to make sure I wasn't having thyroid problems (which run in my family). After that, talk to your councelor.
Ang,
I've been having the exact same problems. Seriously, the only difference is that I'm not clinically depressed. I've already gone through counseling and am over my past "crap" as I like to refer to it
But I'm still having the same problems.
I just went this past week to get a complete blood workup and I should get results this week. I'll let you know what they end up saying my issue is.
I agree that you should go see your counselor about your past because it sucks to feel so awful about your self and your past actions. But I also agree with the pps that you should definitely get a full blood workup to have that checked too. Just tackle everything and good luck!