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Mel--I have family drama JUST like yours.
It's with DH's twin brother. I know I've talked about him before. He dropped out of community college after 1 year (this was about 7 or so years ago). Has been doing just about nothing since. He's 26. He moved back to Wisconsin from California in June--worked a seasonal summer job at our big music festivals here. That job ended in August, and he's done nothing since. He's trying to collect unemployment.
His mom, who lives almost 2 hours away, drives down by him every so often to give him his mail--since he lives in this rundown apartment building that you're not supposed to live in, so he can't get mail there. He was having his mail sent to our place, but we were getting a ton of it and it was just piling up because he'd never come get it, and then make a big deal that we wouldn't drive it to him all the time, so we told him he wouldn't get his mail anymore. His mom doesn't have much money either, but still continues to drive down here and drop off the mail. And writes him checks for food and whatever else he needs.
He's perfectly capable of getting a job--part time, full time, anything anywhere. But he doesn't want to, because he thinks he's better than any part time job he'd get. But really, with not much formal education or experience, there's not much he can do.
We tried to help him go back to school--looking for programs that he'd actually be good at. He's good with graphic design, so there's some 2 year programs out there he could at least go look at, but he doesn't want the debt of student loans.
We want to be nice and try to help him out, but where do you draw the line between helping and enabling? He's never going to learn for himself if people keep giving stuff to him and doing what he wants.
I am also sooo not looking forward to Christmas, because we're going to DH's family on Christmas Day and I feel like I'm going to say something I'll regret later.
Re: Mel--I have family drama JUST like yours.
"since he lives in this rundown apartment building that you're not supposed to live in"
OMG.
Yeah, I feel that same way about it. And there's nooo way he could live with us. First of all, if we invited him for one night, he'd probably stay forever. And our place is a 1 bedroom, 650 square foot condo. There's barely enough room for us 2!
Ding, Ding, Ding. Yes, he would.
Well at least I'm not the only one. I just don't understand that mentality. My one job growing up was to go to school and get good grades. With that came perks. I got a scholarship, so I got a car, I got a job so I got a laptop (because my dad didn't have to spend that money on everyday things). I like to earn my way. It gives me self satisfaction, I guess others don't have that.
I remember a while ago, Dave and I discussing if BIL got a job closer to our house if he could stay. I was willing back then, because I thought he was graduating and it would be only for a few weeks and it would be with rules...housework, brando walks, chipping in with bills.
This is no longer an option. At all. Ever. He can stay a few weekends to watch brando while we're out of town. That's the only way he's allowed. He's a mooch.