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WWYD: MOH Weight Gain
So as I've mentioned, I am the MOH in my MOH's wedding. She's getting married in NOLA on April 2, 2010.
MOH has always struggled with her weight and body issues. Before getting together with her FI, she was in a very unhealthy long-term relationship with a gym rat who always "made" her go to the gym, cooked her meals, and otherwise monitored what she ate. There was this terrible passive agressive "oh honey, have dessert if you want...but you know you'll just have to work even harder at the gym tomorrow" thing going on. As a result, she was in pretty good shape and IMO, looked fantastic, albeit curvy.
They finally broke up and, long story short, she stopped going to the gym, started eating like a horse, and gained over 50 pounds in 2 years. On her 5'2" frame, that's quite noticable. She hasn't mentioned a word about it to me, but I notice her doing things like untagging photos of herself on FB that show the weight gain.
Her FI approached me last week essentially asking for help. His attempts at subtlely trying to get her to go to the gym with him or have only a bowl of ice cream instead of the whole gallon have failed. He says that although he thinks she's sexy, he's actually starting to become worried about her health. (5'2" and 200+ pounds is considered "morbidly obese.") And he wants her to feel good about her body on her wedding day. I am very reluctant to say anything to her because, despite my own body issues, I've always been "the skinny one" and I don't want her to think I'm being like her ex. So, it's touchy. On the one hand, I want to tell her to get off her fat ass, start walking, and cut back on the calories. On the other, I don't want her pissed at me.
Thoughts?
Re: WWYD: MOH Weight Gain
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
This is difficult. In my family, I have many morbidly obese relatives, and I can tell you one thing for sure: there is nothing, nothing you can say to her that she doesn't already know and that will make her change. She already knows eating like this is bad for her. She already knows she needs to exercise. She already knows that it isn't healthy. So as admirable as it is that you and her FI are concerned and want to help, I genuinely don't think you'll be able to talk her into a healthier lifestyle (especially because it seems these habits are coming as a result of emotional abuse, so she's emotionally reacting to that).
If anything, I'd probably take the "friend" approach. Invite her to do stuff with you - active stuff. Maybe tell her you'd like to be workout buddies, to keep you going to the gym regularly (I'm guessing she doesn't want to go with her FI because she feels fat and embarrassed - it might be different with a girl). I guess what I'm saying is, don't make it all about her needing to lose weight, even if it actually is...I think that will probably just make her react emotionally again and go eat a whole package of cookies, just to show you all that she can do what she wants (so to speak).
In some ways I'm afraid to take this approach because it's like -- "OMG you're SO FAT that it's a health problem now" as opposed to "OK, it's time to be silly and shallow and lose a little weight before your wedding because that's what all girls do before their weddings." You know?
Yeah. These are all excellent points. You're totally right -- she already knows that she's gained a lot of weight and she knows how it happened and she knows it isn't good for her and she knows how to do something about it if she wanted to. Sigh. And you're also right about eating a package of cookies just to prove that she can do what she wants.
I know how frustrating it is, and I just want to add that I think you're a great friend, and it really is awesome that you're so concerned for her.
When I was a teen, I used to have to sit and watch my Nana, who is obese and also diabetic, sit and eat massive pieces of chocolate cake, then get ill from insulin shock. And I knew what caused it and so did she, but there was NOTHING I could do to make her stop. It really does become an addiction, especially if it's coming from an emotional place, and it needs to be treated like one (it's like any other addiction - a smoker knows that cigarettes are bad, but they keep smoking anyway).
I know it's deeply frustrating to have to watch a loved one do that to themselves, and I really do admire you for wanting to help her! I hope you can find a way to reach out to her without her pulling away, and I hope she can find the strength to help herself.
Melissa-
This is such a hard one to deal with, especially because in most cases being morbidly obese carries huge emotional and psychological issues as well. If your friend is unable to address her psychological issues, chances are she will not be able to manage her weight issues. Hopefully you can try and get her outside for walks with you and doing some physical activity that is not gym related, and maybe at some point she will want to truly address the problem and then you can be there for her.
Hope that helps.
And good luck
I agree 100% with redshoe. In a past life, I worked in a wellness center (certified personal trainer, exercise instructor and fitness specialist... not a medical type of facility). I have seen many, many people with eating/exercising issues. I have heard it from the person who is struggling and trying to have a better way of life. I have heard from the spouse of the person who wants to "help, support and motivate"... and the person who wishes their spouse would stop "nagging... I know this already!"
The only time I have seen change is when the person who needs to lose weight changes his/her lifestyle. The compulsion to overeat is something I don't know about... so, won't comment... I don't know if these people were working with a therapist or not. I know that they changed the way they viewed exercise. Some found a new activity that they enjoyed (exercise class, riding their bike to work, group activities). Some didn't like the exercise, but got it in their mind that it was something they needed to do - an appointment on the calendar that was not to be missed. Some benefitted from goal setting, tracking and continuous challenge.
Do you know what would work for your friend? I would just think about some ideas in case she brings it up. Be prepared to be helpful. I would not bring up the topic. If she is ready to change, she will be the first to say something.
Newlyweds since 2007
Thanks so much for the thoughts. The more I think about it, the more I know that you and Lisa are right. I can't be the one to bring it up. SHE needs to decide she wants to do something about it. FWIW, I'm a bit of a compulsive eater myself, but I'm generally able to keep it under control. (For example, when I'm feeling blue I will order and eat an entire pizza by myself). So...I can empathize with the "eating her feelings" stuff a little. But when I decide that I need to knock it off, I do. Maybe she's not there yet. Or maybe she really is feeling out of control and needs help...but again, she needs to be the one to ask for it. Otherwise, I'm just her ex-FI all over again telling her what she can and can't eat.
So has she gone dress shopping yet? I know for myself, that was HUGE for me and my denial of being over weight. I always knew I had 'some' weight to lose. However, trying that dress on and having to go to some exhorbent size.....that seriously did a number on me. I had already been trying to lose some weight but this was the defining moment for me. It was the same feeling I had about buying my wedding ring. I didn't want MH to break the bank when he did buy the ring, but I also knew this ring would be the one and only one I'd ever have. So let's do it right. Same way I felt about the dress and the way I looked. I will only have one wedding day, so I best make this dress look HOT on me. And so the weight loss started. 40 lbs later. Sure I could have lost more and would have loved to but that was a huge thing for me. Perhaps the same thing will happen for her when she goes dress shopping. Will you be there with her?
I can assure you though that anything you say concerning her weight will be misinterpreted. One of my girlfriends said something to me a few months before my wedding, about the taquitos I was eating, and that about set me off. I wanted to yell, "listen B, I'm allowed to splurge, not gorge myself." She thought she was being helpful, and all it did was make me resent her.
See, I'm not offended when MH says, "Let's go to the gym." I think its fun to go and play a few rounds of basketball with him and then we run together. But I also know he's not mean spirited and isn't in some mean way saying, "look it, you're fat, get your ass to the gym." So maybe the FI does need to say something very simple like "hey, let's go to the gym." I find nothing wrong with that.
What about getting her FI (since he's the one who approached you) to ask her to start doing more active stuff too? I don't remember if you said anything about his body type - but maybe there's a fun activity (like dancing) that he couldn't do by himself to help her start get moving.
I struggle with my weight too - though I've never been categorized as obese. I'm capable of pulling myself back from overweight to healthy, but I definitely yo-yo. I lived without a scale for 4 years and in that time I went from 135 to 172 (I stepped on a scale in a department store) and I was in TOTAL denial (until the department store, when I started kicking my own ass). My husband thought I was dead sexy and claims he didn't really notice it either.
So, I teamed up with another friend who was losing weight and we started working together - and that's maybe what she needs. But it's true, if she isn't willing to work for it, it's not going to happen.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
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As someone who is considered obese and has struggled with weight and body issues for most of my life, I can say that without a doubt that approach will not work and will actually be more harmful than helpful.
The best thing you can do is be supportive...if you feel you have to say or do something be as kind and as gentle as possible and come from a place of love. Something like, "I've noticed you've been untagging photos of yourself on FB, may I ask why?" If she says "because I am fat." Then she's opened the door to you...you could say, "Yes, it seems that since the break-up with So-and-so, etc. that you've been working out less and eating more. I am sorry that it has made you unhappy with your weight...have you considered how you can change that?" At the end of the day, it's up to her to want to make the change. Being pressured to do so, even by loving friends and family, is not helpful at all. I know, I've been there.
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