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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Pressure to have kids?
I realize a lot of people on here have kids or are pregnant... Did you feel a lot of pressure to have kids? And for those who are not pregnant/without kids, do you feel a lot of pressure to have kids?
We are bugged _all_the_time_ by DH's family members and it's getting annoying, to the point I don't know what to say. We used to say "I'm young, I have tons of time" but I'm really not super young anymore so it's not really a good excuse (27, so still young but not like 20) . SIL (Dh's sister) is done having kids, they are 4 and 2, and DH's cousin has a 3 month old baby so everyone is turning to us thinking we're "next".
Re: Pressure to have kids?
27 is still young!! We never felt any pressure from my family, they kept on saying "enjoy life together while you can" but would throw in "at least for a year or two...." lol
DH's family is a different story (of course), we got back from our honeymoon and I was asked by MIL "so are you pregnant yet?"
Hello!
We, DH & I, and no one else decided when we were ready...we were going to wait for the 1 year mark but I admit I got 'baby fever' and we both agreed that we were ready and started 3/4 months ahead of schedule...
we are in our 30s (in fact today is my BIRTHDAY!!) so yes the pressure is there but i have been trying to deflect if for a few years now.
I have no catch-all answer. i am actually interested in having kids (shhh!!) but wont tell anyone IRL. jobs have put it on hold so i just tell people that that pressure to get us married didn't work and neither will this. if they keep it up I direct them towards DH and that usually stops it (i find the pressure is usually from women who only want to pressure other womem, not men)
DH and I were married five years before we had Andrew, so yes, we did feel some pressure from certain relatives. For the first couple of years we truthfully said we were waiting to get our finances in order, and then, during the nearly two years we were TTC but didn't want to tell them, I said a few times that I thought 30 was a good age to have a baby. I got pregnant just a couple of months before my 31st birthday, so happily I didn't have to come up with another excuse.
We had a ton of pressure, mostly from friends. We didn't tell anyone that we were have trouble conceiving, and that made it a whole lot harder when they were putting on the pressure.
It doesn't stop once you have a kid. I am (obviously) currently pregnant, and now all the time I get asked if we are going to stop if its a girl, or how many more we are going to have.
I found that making smart remarks to make people just a little uncomfortable makes them shut up about it. My favourite one was that we were still practicing the whole sex thing and couldn't figure out how things got from the belly button to reproductive spots.
We were very fortunate -we were married for 5 years when DD was born, and had dated for 5 years before that. We were 33 when DD was born. The only people who EVER made comments to us were a couple of DH's aunts/uncles - our parents were AMAZING and didn't once even hint that we should be thinking about kids, even though we knew that they were very eager for grandchildren. We didn't get really any pressure.
One of DH's other uncles told us to respond "All in due time"
27 is still young - most people I know aren't even married at 27! If they were to ask me, I would even consider saying "Not that it is any of your business, but how do you know that we aren't trying, and that maybe we are having trouble?". Or, as I think it was Mrs. Rachel would say (perhaps it was someone else "Wow. That was rude. You must be embarrassed"
It is no one's business when you have kids. They don't know what your marriage is REALLY like, nor do they know what your finances are REALLY like.
I hate how people try to get into people's business that has nothing to do with them.
The DH and I are still very young so we can still us that as an excuse. Although I don't feel any pressure from anyone I do feel pressure (more from myself than anything.). Genetically I am predisposed to having a child with a heart defect or with Autism (my two youngest siblings are under the Autism umbrella) So because of this I want to have all my children before either of us are 30.
I guess in some way there is pressure from family but we are taking it in stride. (My parents and siblings are taking bets as to when we are going to start TTC!) I am sure once we get further into our marriage we will receive more of this.
We didn't get any pressure from our families. I am not sure if we were just lucky or if they were just both really aware that you never know if someone is TTC and just having difficulty so by saying something you could be putting your foot in your mouth. When we did get pregnant we got a few comments about "wow it took you guys a long time to get pregnant eh?" Ummm no, we got pregnant on the first try. Just because we were married for 2 years first doesn't mean we were trying the whole time.
We had lots of friends ask us and we always laughed it off and said we had a plan for when we wanted to start trying but that at the moment we were just enjoying being a couple. We were ready to have kids right away but decided to give ourselves a few years first.
What if your response was "I just started checking my cervical mucus every morning. This morning it was really stretchy. I hope that means good things ::crosses fingers::. Now what position do you think is best for baby making? I am thinking reverse cow girl. Do you think that will work? What worked for you? Is that too personal to ask? I hate when people ask personal questions"
Re: Pressure to have kids?
We didn't get any pressure from our families. I am not sure if we were just lucky or if they were just both really aware that you never know if someone is TTC and just having difficulty so by saying something you could be putting your foot in your mouth. When we did get pregnant we got a few comments about "wow it took you guys a long time to get pregnant eh?" Ummm no, we got pregnant on the first try. Just because we were married for 2 years first doesn't mean we were trying the whole time.
We had lots of friends ask us and we always laughed it off and said we had a plan for when we wanted to start trying but that at the moment we were just enjoying being a couple. We were ready to have kids right away but decided to give ourselves a few years first.
What if your response was "I just started checking my cervical mucus every morning. This morning it was really stretchy. I hope that means good things ::crosses fingers::. Now what position do you think is best for baby making? I am thinking reverse cow girl. Do you think that will work? What worked for you? Is that too personal to ask? I hate when people ask personal questions"
Ahahaha ... So funny!
So I can TOTALLY relate to this question! Within minutes of getting engaged we got pressure. When we called to tell people we were engaged, we got 2 times .... "great, so when do we get babies?" Are you freaking for real? We got engaged in Dec 08' (me 25 and him 27) and by May I had completely had enough! I went to a family function out of town and in the matter for 4 hours I was asked 5 times when we are going to start having kids. I was soooo upset. I felt like nobody was happy for us in our current position and that we weren't good enough. I cried on the way home. The next day I sent a email to family saying that I wanted them to stop with the baby questions and to please just be happy for us. My parents were super cool with it but I recieved two huge blowouts from a cousin and a sister basically saying that I don't have a right to "ask them to stop with the baby stuff because I am an adult and should have to put up with it" Again, are your freaking for real?? I thought because I was an adult I could inform family members when they are hurting my feelings. Ugh. Anyways ... no asks me anymore! Suckers!
I just heard at the Climate Conference in Copenhagen some "experts" are suggesting on imposing a "one child per female" for the entire world because we are overpopulated and that is what is destroying our planet. I don't know ... stupid? crazy? mind-bloggling? Hey I am a tree hugger big time but is this really the solution??
I got alot of pressure from MIL as her other three children all had kids pretty much within a year of getting married so she was always asking for the first year, then Adam let her know that we weren't talking about kids yet as we were enjoying our time and our new house etc together. ?My parents never mentioned kids once
When we finally did annouce we were pg , my MIL started crying saying she had given up hope b/c we waited so long (not quite 2.5 years).?
If there's alot of pressure either have your H say something or just say something that would make them feel really bad. These days you never know if people are having trouble TTCing so I don't really think it's a question to be asked...
We've gotten pressure to have kids since we walked out of the church after our ceremony! We both want children, but up until just a bit ago we were waiting for DH to get a better paying job before kids would be possible. My grandmother was so persistant about asking us to have children that I finally just layed our financial situation on the table. That shut her up!
Now that DH has a better paying job our issue is me, and my inability to ovulate, so we've told my parents, and my one sister so the questions have at least stopped from the family members that would nag the most.
I've had patients at my office come up to me and ask if I'm pg yet, so I'm still trying to think of something clever to respond with besides telling them to mind their freaking business.
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THIS is awesome.
2.5 years is an eternity, Sarah - didn't you KNOW?
From the time we were engaged, my MIL was like "make sure you get started on kids right away, M's getting old".... pffff
We did ttc pretty quickly, but that's because that's what we wanted.
But that hasn't stopped the pressure. Now everyone's like "are you pregnant again yet?" uhhh nope. No plan to be any time soon... And it doesn't stop
OMG I think they (the people bugging me) would faint if I said something like this. It's DH's aunt and other people like that. ugh!
Jeez man, people need more tact!
I am not sure if I am ready to have kids, but I sure as hell know that even if I wanted kids, the way my position at work is very unstable, I would not want to be pregnant.
We didn't get any pressure from my side of the family, the only pressure was from my MIL. My parents eventually started dropping hints, but because they have my brother's kids to keep them occupied, it took the pressure off of us. My MIL was really annoying though, and sometimes I just wanted to slap her.
Well...now that she knows we're dealing with some TTC issues, it has certainly shut her up.
It really bothers me when people feel it's their business to ask what a couple's plan is for children. Not everyone wants children, and some people have issues having children. It's personal info, so when someone would ask I'd just respond with "sometime in the future - when or if it happens I'm sure you'll find out."
No pressure at all! My family is great and I am completely disconnected from H's family so I never hear a word from them either... haha.
We've been married 2.5 years already and plan on waiting another 3-5 (or 7-8...) before having child(ren.)
James Alistair - October 2, 2011
I didn't really feel any pressure. We had a few people ask questions about when we were going to have kids (nosy people), but I wouldn't say I felt pressure from it. Most of the time I just answered that wanted to finish my masters before having kids, it usually shut them up.
Also we both have older siblings though who don't have kids/aren't married/planning on kids yet. So I think that our parents couldn't really have pressured us without making the older siblings feel like crap, KWIM?
And honestly, now that we are expecting, I feel a bit guilty at times. You should hear the rude things some people say to the older siblings - "oh, your younger sister is pregnant? How come you don't have kids? You're not married yet either? You should really hurry up with that"
Asshats
At work I get the opposite of pressure, most people comment on how young I am, etc. I'm pretty much the same age as you Andrea. Most of the women I work with who are expecting are a good 5+ yrs older than me. It's all about perception I guess.
If hope your family doesn't bug you too much over the holidays...
I think it's just the thing for nosy people to ask, now that they can't ask when we're getting married! I would much prefer "how is married life treating you?" Anyways it's mostly DH's family because his cousin that got married the same summer as us now has a baby.... but she is 4 years older than me! Hopefully my family doesn't bug me about it too much!!
It was nice to hear other perspectives - thank you for sharing.