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The Classic Where to Spend the Holidays Fight...
This will be my husband and I's second Christmas as a married couple. We live super close (within a mile) from his parents and brother (only sibling). It take about 45 minutes to get to my parents, an hour to my brother and his family, and 2 hours to my sisters. Living so close to my inlaws my husband sees them several times a week. With my family it's more of an effort and I only see my siblings a few times a year.
I enjoy holidays with my family. We play games, drink and do a lot of laughing. My husbands family is the complete opposite! We spend a half hour opening presents then everyone stares at the television until they can't take it any longer or fall asleep. There's never anything to say...they see each other too often. My mother in law hates me and makes it obvious that I'm just ruining her perfect family. In addition she treats her boys (ages 25 and 30) like 5 year olds. She plays Santa, makes them stockings, buys them underware (which I find really weird), and baby talks to them (which is a daily thing with that family).
Last year we did Christmas eve at my inlaws and Christmas night at my family's. This worked out very well. My husband and I got to spend time together Christmas day and there wasn't any rushing.
My inlaws don't have any other family they have to compete with during Christmas. My brother in law is single. Whereas my sister in law (married to my brother) has always had Christmas at her side on Christmas eve and Christmas at my side on Christmas. My sister in law lives 2 hours away and has to work late one Christmas Eve and early on the 26th. For me I feel like it's Christmas Day for my side or nothing. Which really hurts me.
What's my husband think? He says if he could pick which side he'd pick mine no problem. His side isn't exactly nice to him either and again, he sees them all the time and knows how important family is to me. He agrees his family is weird and his mother picks on me. However, he said in the end that there needs to be some give her because it's "her turn".
The idea of doing both sides Christmas would be okay. Except that his mother insists on planning everything at 2:00 or 3:00 which makes it impossible not to be completely rushed.
It sounds so selfish but I don't want to give my family up on Christmas day. I feel like he gets his family all the time and I want this one day but can't have it because his mother says it's her turn to have us on Christmas. Am I being selfish? I'd force myself to be okay with it if it was more equal the rest of the year.
How do I make it okay in my mind to throw away an important day in my family for a painful day with his?
Re: The Classic Where to Spend the Holidays Fight...
DH and I have this problem every year- around Thanksgiving and Christmas. We are also dealing with a two hour drive in-between his family and my family. So for example on Thanksgiving we drove down to his family, the day before Thanksgiving stayed the night woke up on Thanksgiving morning stayed until about noon and left. We told them ahead of time we would leave at noon and his mom didn't want to have dinner until 3 or 4 so she knew ahead of time that we wouldn't be there but at least DH got to spend time with his family- it was a short trip but he still got to see them. Then we drove to my family had Thanksgiving dinner with them. It was a lot put on us to travel but in the end I was happy because I got to be with my family and DH was happy because he got to be with his. Maybe if your Dh could tell his mom you all will have to leave at a certain time- it wouldn't be too much for her to compromise on moving things up an hour or too! Good Luck!
I really don't understand why this is always an issue for people. TAKE TURNS. . . .every other year.
If both families live within driving distance of one another then spend Christmas Eve with family ONE and christmas day with family TWO. Then NEXT YEAR flip them so you get to spend christmas day with the family ONE and christmas eve with family TWO.
If the families do not live within driving distance than you spend the entire holiday with one side and than flip the next year and spend the entire holiday with the other side. DH and I flip Thanksgiving too, so that we will see each side of the family for one holiday per year.
When you have kids, you require BOTH sides to visit YOU for a couple years!!
Simple.
DH and I even coordinated with our siblings so we are visiting our parents the same year that our siblings are. That way everyone is on the same schedule and will be together every other year with their own family.
It just works because everyone knows the schedule and there are no hurt feelings.
I think you need to suck it up and switch it up every year. It's usually the only way that makes the most sense and is the most fair to both families.
My situation is similar (except I actually get along with his family) but H's family lives about 10 minutes away from us and his sister lives a block away and my family lives about 1.5 hours away. (my brothers both live a distance too...one is in another province so we won't even see him this christmas). We see his family fairly often, less then your several times a week (how does that even work!...space it out, you'll get along better!) but christmas isn't a normal day and so even though you might see one family more than the other on the odd days this is completely different to parents, it means so much more.
what we did was talked to both sets of parents and explained our situation and let them know that we wanted to see both families around christmas. We told them that we wanted to switch every year for christmas day and we'd see the other family a little bit before or after that day. If they know ahead of time then it shouldn't be a problem and you won't argue with your H again about it either since it's already a set deal.
Kuus always says this and she is spot-on: Realize that YOU are not a prop through which other people enjoy their holiday; you are a person who deserves to enjoy the holiday as you choose.
And "fair" does not always mean "equal." If YOU and your DH decide that it's his family's "turn" this year to have Christmas Day with them, cool. If his mother has arbitrarily decided that it's her "turn" because you were with your family last year on Christmas Day, tough tarts.
It doesn't sound like either you or your DH actually wants to spend Christmas Day with his family; you both seem to agree that you want to spend it with yours. Tell his mother that in a non-bitchy way: "Mom, we're spending Christmas Day with the in-laws, but we'd love to see you on Christmas Eve." If she pitches a fit and says she isn't hosting anything Christmas Eve, tell her that you understand and you'll see her another time.
Do you really want to deal with this crap for the next twenty years? Establish that you're doing what you want to do and what works best for YOU at the holidays now. The whole taking turns every single holiday thing works for SOME people. It doesn't work well for everyone. And the problem with a rigid schedule is that if you're dealing with people who get all pissy about the holidays and family time in the first place, they won't take it well when you need to be flexible, and there will be a time that you will. Some year it'll be obvious that it's the last holiday with Grandma or Grandpa, or a sibling will be about to deploy to a war zone, or somebody will have a new baby, and you'll want to be one place or the other. Or you'll want to have Christmas at your house and not travel at all.
Practice saying "I'm sorry you're unhappy about it, but we're going to do what works best for our family" and repeating ad nauseam.
I really don't see a huge problem here. It isn't as if your family lives hours away, it's 2 hours max. Why can't you go to your family on Christmas Eve, stay over and come back for his mother's Christmas Day timeline?
My family lives 2 hours away and we always go there Christmas Eve to one of my Aunt's houses. We then drive all the way home with my parents to spend Christmas Day at our home. My H's family lives about 7 hours away and doesn't really have any celebration, so we don't go there, and we usually visit sometime during the holiday season.
Honestly, I see my parents (especially my mom) almost every weekend, as she takes the 2 hour drive to come spend the weekend with us (my H loves her as much as I do). We drive to see my niece's games, competitions and what not, and she lives 2 hours in another direction. Again, I really don't see a huge deal and I don't think you should have to give up spending time with your family.
This is very good advice.
I also wanted to add, you say "My sister in law lives 2 hours away and has to work late one Christmas Eve and early on the 26th. For me I feel like it's Christmas Day for my side or nothing. Which really hurts me." and really you need to accept that your brother and his wife are free to organise their holidays anyway they see fit.
In the same way you and your DH are free to organise your holidays.
The issue isn't about which family is "more fun" to spend the holiday with, the issue is that his family would probably like to spend Christmas with him as much as your family wants to spend it with you. That means the only fair thing to do is to alternate families every year.
It's not all about you and how much "fun' you're having. I'll also add that whether or not you see his family more during the year is completely irrelevant to this discussion--Christmas is special and you know it--or else you wouldn't try to justify always spending it with YOUR family.
First of all I want to thank Scherza! Although I read everyones response I truly needed to hear someone say that it isn't a rule that we have to take turns and it's our holiday too. Her advice was awesome! I don't feel like the taking turns is always fair. Especially when we live so close to them and see them on a daily basis...and ESPECIALLY since there's so many issues between his mother and I that need resolved.
If my husband truly wanted to be with his side on Christmas I wouldn't be asking questions or anything...I'd just fake smile and go. But if neither of us want to go there is it really worth taking turns?! At what point do we put families feelings over what's best for our marriage?
Why is that the "rule"? Each family is different. If we as a married couple can't be respected the other 364 days of the year why should they be blessed with our presence then?
And seriously, for those people that said suck it up...if you don't have any support to give roll your eyes and more to the next page. You're obviously in this situation. You're either welcomed into your inlaws family or live too far away to care. I thought we were here to put each other in each others shoes and be supportive! Marriage isn't easy dammit! We all need a little guadiance and "suck it up" doesn't cut it!
Leighanneh---Thanks for replying! You've got a good state of mind! I wish I was half as positive! Good luck to you! I hope it's an easy Christmas for us both!
LOL--in other words, you thought everyone was here to tell you what you want to hear.
Again--it isn't just about what YOU want--his family wants to spend Christmas with him, too, right?
The TWO OF YOU get to spend the holidays the way the TWO OF YOU want too. Yes, I'm sure his family wants to see him ON Christmas, but if that isn't what the TWO OF YOU want to do- then you don't have to.
The Kuus comment about "props" is spot on here. This isn't about what your families want- it's about what the two of you want.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We did the switching for 3 years, Finally we told everyone to come to us or else they wont see us. We finally decided that this is our holiday to, and spending it in a car driving back and fourth wasn't working.
I would talk to DH, ask him what he wants to do, put everyone elses feelings aside, start there and see where it ends up. Thats how we came up with the decision to do it at our house.
Seriously? What is the big deal with THE DAY? Does everyone else have to work the entire weekend AFTER the big day? I'd go for it with the ILs, then have Saturday and Sunday with your family.
We always do Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my ILs, and then spend like 3-4 days with mine afterwards - days of fun instead of just an evening.
Yeah we have already had that fight and we are not even married yet. My family lives about 25 mins from us so I get to see them very regular. We will be spending Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas day and the rest of the weekend with his family. His family lives about 3 1/2 hours from us we travel there 3-4 times a year and they come to see us 3-4 times a year. So his mom wants us to be proper when we go and visit them for the WHOLE weekend of Christmas not to sleep together until we are married.....even though we live together now and have for over a year. His family is very nice to me but want to very demanding of our time when we are there. I have already told him that I want us to set a side some time for us over Christmas since we work opposite shifts and only get to see each other in passing on some days. I am sorry for going in to so much detail but I had to vent to someone I just can't seem to make him understand that I am trying to say I WANT SOME ALONE TIME WITH HIM. We have already gone our separate ways at Thanksgiving with did not make me happy at all, because due to work I have to work every other Thanksgiving. I had to work last year and I did not get to see my family so I was off this year so I wanted to see my family, he did not seem to understand that either... I am worried that I am going to have to get ugly about this or we are going to be spending all the holidays apart!!!!
It's not always going to work out so that everyone is happy. You need to do what make you and DH happy, and accommodate the extended family as best you can.
It's a little late to be worrying about this now, but I would say spend Christmas Eve and up to about noon at your family's place, then drive home and have the dinner MIL has planned. If you don't want to do all the driving next year, start prepping them all now.
It only gets more complicated when you add kids into the mix. Everyone involved needs to be a little flexible, or you are going to be in for a whole lot of headaches for the next 20 years or so.
This year, my parents are coming this weekend to have Christmas with us. We're going out to dinner tonight, and tomorrow morning we'll have "Christmas morning" where the kids can open their presents from them, and we'll have a big breakfast. (They live 3 hours away) Christmas Eve, we're driving to IL's (8 hours the other direction) and staying until Sunday. Last year we didn't see his family at all, because they won't come see us, and we couldn't make it out there. It wasn't the end of the world, and we still had a great Christmas.
Since we started dating we have done every other holiday with the families. It has worked out great.
This year Thanksgiving was with my Family and this year Christmas Day is with his family. They know that once we have our own child that we will be spending those days at our house starting our own traditions....while they are invited to join us. We plan to suggest another day around those times to meet with extended families. We usually have two weeks off of work during the Christmas holidays.
DHs family lives within 45 min. - 2 hours from us in the same state. My family lives 4-5 hours from us in two different states.