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I don't like sex...
... unless we are in the act. I apologize if this post is all over the place... I just need to get this out and this is the only place I can.
DH will ask me numerous times a day to have sex. It annoys me and so much to the point I have to leave the room after a few hours. It's like my body just says UH NO WAY. But I do enjoy sex while we are doing it. It's the getting there that is the problem.
We have gotten to the point now where we'll be sitting on the couch watching tv and DH will get up, walk to the bedroom and state, "I'm going to lay down and wait on you." My response? "Well you can just lay there and wait."
On occasion he'll try some foreplay but his version... I don't enjoy. I've told him what I like over and over. I know what he likes but I have no physical desire to give it to him until I'm "in the mood." He constantly asks me to put on thongs... I hate thongs. I've gained 30 lbs since we married 2 years ago and nothing fits or looks good. I don't feel attractive in those skimpy outfits I used to fit into. Now I just look like a blimp shoved into some leather.
The more he asks for sex or for me to "dress up" the more irritated I get and more likely it is that I'll end up leaving the room. He used to BEG for oral sex. I have a sensitive gag reflex so I hate that too. The last time... I threw up on him. He doesn't ask for it as much but still asks for it. I hate it so I don't do it b/c I know what will happen. Then he pouts and it makes me feel like a terrible wife.
I don't know what to do. The romance is gonzo. He doesn't seem to even want to try. It feels like he just wants the sex to make him feel good and then go to bed (or go eat). It doesn't feel like it's about US even though he insists it is. It feels like it's all about HIM and about him getting what he wants when he wants. I just feel like we don't connect anymore... at all.
Re: I don't like sex...
Wow. Your H sounds totally unwilling to make sex enjoyable for you (not cool) and you are responding by shutting him out (not cool either).
He needs to understand that you are a human and not a fleshlight. Don't allow him to treat you like his personal masturbatory toy.
Sounds like you guys need some counseling on your communication issues and how to better listen to each other. TBH I wouldn't be in the mood either if DH was hounding me all the time. And while oral is nice, if you're going to sit there and demand it... Well, you'll be waiting a very long time.
So, long story short, get yourselves to counseling to work on your issues. My guess is that sex isn't the only issue you guys are having trouble with, either.
He evidently finds you sexually desirable even though you think you're a bit of size.:)
You're not into dressing up; can he live with that?
Has he ever once asked you what YOU wanted? Where do you have a say in any of this?
I strongly urge you to have a heart to heart frank talk with him. There has to be a compromise here; he evidently doesn't get the picture what "compromise" means.
My DH and I were the same way and it wasn't until recently that we tried coming to a compromise. He was always ALL over me about sex and he wanted it ALL.THE.TIME. but getting there was tough for me (and being there was great!) And he would fondle and grope a lot and I didn't like how that made me feel. We used to fight a lot and tried on several occasions to come to a compromise.
I'm hoping that now, we have it: We do it once a day (so he gets the once a day he wants and, admittedly, it helps us be closer on an intimate level) but for the rest of the day, he can't beg for it and he can't grope or fondle the "girls" (so that i don't feel like all he thinks about is getting sex).
I hope it all works for you two, but it really sounds like he needs to work on getting you in the mood, the way YOU like it. He definitely needs to be more sensitive.
My DH and I were the same way and it wasn't until recently that we tried coming to a compromise. He was always ALL over me about sex and he wanted it ALL.THE.TIME. but getting there was tough for me (and being there was great!) And he would fondle and grope a lot and I didn't like how that made me feel.
I'll bet you never discussed this with him -- in a positive, forward thinking way.
I'm hoping that now, we have it: We do it once a day (so he gets the once a day he wants and, admittedly, it helps us be closer on an intimate level) but for the rest of the day, he can't beg for it and he can't grope or fondle the "girls" (so that i don't feel like all he thinks about is getting sex).
and you never had a discussion with him, it seems, about his groping or his fondling. So what do you do? Just shut up and take it -- and solve the problem by dropping trou with him once a day. Great.
You can't be close to somebody on an intimate level if you cannot speak to that person honestly and frankly about something that concerns or bothers you. Sorry.
I agree with talking and being open & honest with each other. My H and I also have an "agreement" (if you could call it that), that we have sex a certain amount.
Also, I know this is a delicate subject, but if you are feeling uncomfortable with how you look, you should really try to lose some weight or do some yoga stretches to help you feel sexier. It's amazing what feeling sexy can do for your sex life
If your idea of foreplay is candles and music have you told him? Generally most men will do whatever you want if that'll mean great sex.
But I'm willing to bet you feel bad about the weight gain, and you wont feel better about sex and romance until you do something about it.
I have to admit I 'give in' to sex a fair amount eventhough I'm not 'in the mood'. Most of the time I get in the mood once things get going. And sometimes I do it just to shut him up, and I know it'll make him happy. Honestly its a rare occasion when I'm jump his bones horny, but thats just the way it works out for us, and I think we have a great sex life.
Maybe saying "the same way" was the wrong wording. We had issues, but we ALWAYS talked about but it unfortunately it would back fire sometimes. but we were always completely open about our issues. I would talk to him about the groping, but sometimes he would get carried away. We sat down and talked it out to come to an agreement and so far it's working. I refuse to give in, so we try to make it work so that we are both happy
Well, from reading this it actually sounds like you are making it all about you (and please don't take offense to that, we all do it---and I think we have all been here before). You seem like you want to be intimate with your husband & have sex and connect with him in that way, right?
First off,You say that you have gained some weight (I have gained the same amount, but over about 5 years), BUT your whole post is about how your husband is trying his hardest to be intimate with you, and wants you to dress up and have fun with it. This does NOT sound like a man who is all about "looks", he sounds like he loves YOU for who you are, weather you have gained some weight or not, he still loves you.
2nd, Men and Woman are wired differently. We all know it, yet woman think it is something that is wrong with the man. But the fact is, sex is how men feel loved, connected and validated by their woman. It's true. Do you honestly think he is lying to you when he tries to reassure you that having sex is about both of you, for him. He needs to connect with you in that, he just trying anything he can, to try to get close to you.
3rd, If you truly want to change things and to have sex with him on a more normal basis. Then it sounds like you should be the one to start things up. Do whatever helps you get in the mood before hand (maybe during the day send him, "flirty texts", and then maybe you could listen to some relaxing music, take a bath, light some candles, and find some little nighty that you do feel comfterble in (does not have to be super skimpy). I have found in the past, that if I take some control over what I want in our sex life, and have some fun with it, I enjoy it better. Rather than waiting for him to read me mind, or being tired of him "bothering" me for it. It is fun to be the one who starts it---from what you said, we are ready know that your husband loves you, and finds you attractive---and to deny that would just be crazy. I mean there are so many men who turn to Porn instead of there wife's, you should be so happy that he wants YOU!
So think of some fun ways for you to start things with him, and just enjoy the fact that you have a husband who wants you (no matter what insecurities you have, your man still finds you sexy)! SO have fun with it, and find out what helps you get in the mood to start things up with him. You know it's a sure thing, it's just helping you get in the mood before hand.....music, relaxing bath, doing some flirting teasing during the day, whatever it is.....and most importantly just tell if what works for you and what doesn't. He wants to please you, so tell him what he should be doing to get you in the mood as well. Guys don't have magic balls, or mind reading powers.
Good luck!! : )
OMG I am totally in your shoes! I just posted this on another post, but DH was my 1st, and even after a few months I didnt' really enjoy it, mostly cus id get really nervous and tense up and it would hurt. Once we got engaged we stopped having sex till the wedding. Ill admit that it felt better (prolly the stress of getting preggo before the wedding was gone!) Anyways we have been married since Sept and well its gotten to sex about once or twice a month!!!
maybe a bit more. I know my DH isn't a fan, but I do other things to him..which I dont mind. Hell do oral on me WAY more then we actually have sex..which is OK with me...hes good at what he does. But anyways he does try and make me comfortable, but for me its more that I feel so ugly and fat. Since the wedding ive gained like 10 lbs, I had lost my job in Aug and still am jobless so I have been lacking motivation and lack of anything really. LIke you nothing is fitting like it did before. and it makes me not want to get naked for my own husband!
Like in the other post I wrote that in 2010 I am going to try very hard to do two major things..1 is hit the gym more (I was a gym rat before I lost my job, but with it being so much colder now in WI its hard to find motivation to get out of the warm house!) and I am going to try and make it that we have sex 2 times a week at least...I just need to get my sex drive up..which I think will come once I lose a few pounds.
So we totally had a big not really fight last night about this issue. I tried to just read before bed....he makes a comment and I thinking its 11 at night would rather turn around and go to sleep then have this conversation again....We have talked about it A LOT and its always the same....I just gotta do it more and get used to it. When we are actually doing it I do enjoy it....its just getting me in the mood and getting me there! I am not sure if I posted this before or not, but we found that its way easier if he gets me to O by doing oral on me...then I am way more relaxed to have sex then. Just sometimes it can take me a bit to O and I feel that we dont have enough time!!! So anyways last night I was in tears about this...He turned around and said fine if I am not going to talk about it might as well sleep...Finally we both apologized for being dumb butts.
So I think maybe Ill try and get myself in the mood today and when he comes home from work try and see what I can do!
. . . and one of the ways that THIS woman feels loved, connected, and validated by her man
. Just sayin'.