Holidays
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
CRAZY MIL!!! (venting session)
This is my DH and my 1st Christmas together... been married for a solid 2 months now. His mother wants us to come over for Christmas Eve to STAY THE NIGHT! We live literally 4 miles away. We have plans until midnight on Christmas Eve (candlelight service at church @11). Plus weather will more than likely be bad. And we'll be there Christmas morning to open presents until about 12:30, then we have to go to my dad's family Christmas. There's nothing better than sleeping in my own bed. We're newlyweds for Pete's sake! And she tried to manipulate my DH by saying "Your brother and sister are going to be upset you aren't going to be at Christmas very long" and "Well we won't be able to have crab legs and steak now" bla bla bla. He saw right through her though and explained how we are MARRIED now and that OUR traditions have to CHANGE! Thank God. She's just one of those mothers that can't let her baby go. Anyone else have that problem with your MIL?
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Re: CRAZY MIL!!! (venting session)
They are the type of people who wait last minute to make plans. I was always brought up to make plans ahead of time. We are trying to be as fair as we can be with all our Christmas functions. DH's family only has Christmas with MIL side (which was an all day funciton last Saturday) and immediate family (Christmas morning). I always have Christmas with my mom's side (Christmas eve) and immediate family (Used to be Christmas morning, but changed last year, as we re-arranged our traditions to be with DH's family Christmas morning). And my dad's side Christmas afternoon.
So this is how our schedule is this year:
DH's work schedule gets him off work at 7pm. He's showing up late to mom's side of things (which is fine with me, since he can't help when he has to work), then we have to squeeze in my immediate family Christmas, then go to Christmas eve service at 11pm. Waking up at 7am to be at his immediate family Christmas until 12:30. Driving an hour away to make it to my dad's side Christmas that starts at noon.
My point is my immediate family Christmas is literally going to be 2 hours maybe. We will be with his family for at least 5 hours.
This is not the first time she has tried to take control of situations. I have no problem with her asking us to stay the night or whatever she wants to ask. The problem I do have is her not being able to take no for an answer and then trying to make my DH feel sorry for her.
That would be fustrating. I understand where you are coming from. Its ok that she asked the questions but if you turn her down she should not give you a guilt trip.
You and your DH are correct, you are married now and have to start acting like you are from the start. Becuase if you give in to her it only sets you up for the future.
Thats good that your DH told her the way things are going to be!
Have a wonderful Christmas.
Sounds like a crazy lot of moving around on christmas! Hopefully you're able to stay sane! As for your mother then, Next time she tries to 'convince you or lay something on you last minute" I think I get your husband to say something to her "listen we love seeing you but we really need to plan things ahead of time now that we're married and have wifes family to see too, and I know you want to see us too but please do not try to guilt us into changing our plans for you, it makes us feel bad, and it's really just not fair to us"
Do you think you could be over reacting just a teeny bit? This really isn't THAT big of a deal is it? Just say to her, thanks for the offer of staying at yours, but we'll come over in the morning. Sorry we have to leave at 1230, but how about next year we reverse the balance and we have dinner with you guys.
And yes, I know you are newlyweds and have 'been married a solid 2 months' but is it really that offensive if someone asks you to stay over? Can you really not resist each other for 1 day that it's such a problem? My DH and I are 10,000 miles from my family, and an ocean away from his. I'd give anything to spend even 1 hour with his or mine on Christmas.
I apologise for not including the other numerous things she has done to manipulate or control situations for only the benefit of her, but that would be way too much. Basically, she has been the only person who has been difficult with us. I understand our marriage is hard on her since she can not let go of her son. Like I said, I have no problem with her asking, but when we both say no, I don't appreciate her making us feel bad. We did explain to her that we would like to spend time with them, but packing our clothes, toiletries, etc. on top of the gifts that we are bringing to stay with them overnight isn't necessary when we won't even get to their house until after midnight. It would make more sense to stay at our house that night, since everyone will be in bed anyhow by time we get there.
I could not imagine having family so far away. I consider myself fortunate. However, instead of sleeping on our bed for 7 hours... we sleep in a bed in the basement at their house for 7 hours when they don't even know we are there isn't necessary.
You're letting her make you feel bad. Just remember that everytime she says something to 'guilt' you. Think: ugh - glad we're not going to stay the night before as well. Let it roll right off. If she says: now we can't eat such and such - tell her she's free to eat whatever she wants - you're not stopping her.
I feel for you, really, but I also envy you because you get to see your families - where as I can't afford to see mine for the 8th Christmas running. And as much as they bug you, they are flesh and blood and they are the only relatives you'll have. Try to let the little stuff go.
Thanks for the reminder. I know this is a small problem and I count all my blessings and am thankful this IS my only annoyance/problem in my life right now. Overall, although she is very outspoken and sometimes rude, that is how she is. I DO have to accept her. But that's why I chose to vent this out to the virtual world. 1. Get it off my chest 2. Gain insight from others. So thank you!
BAHAHHAHA! Your post made me laugh! I hear ya on having Christmas mornings to ourselves. We discussed that exact thing. We are hoping **Fingers crossed** that we will have a little one by next Christmas and if that is the case, people will come to us if they want to see us. From then on. The greatest part of this dilemma is that my DH and I see eye to eye so it makes it SO easy for us to decide what we want to do! Merry Christmas to you too!
I don't have anything to say except to repeat Vegemite Wife over and over again. We're stationed overseas with the military and this Christmas it's me and my puppy because my husband is at war and my family is, like you, in Missouri. Be grateful that you have a dilemma, be grateful that you have family close by, be grateful that you go to bed and wake up with your husband because I haven't done that for over four months now and don't know when I'll see him again.
And I think it's cool that you're from Peculiar! I always laughed when I saw that name on the "School Closings" lists for snow days and stuff. I went to college in Springfield! Hang in there Missouri girl, and oh, have fun tryin for that baby!
My MIL is terrible about everything. I really do not like her anymore. DH and I decided that we would not be doing Christmas gifts this year because we did not have the extra money. She still went out and spent a few hundred dollars on CRAP for us. We have a small house and no where to put the stuff.
MIL was also upset when DH and I decided that next year we will most likely go to Disney. We usually work Christmas Eve and then the day after Christmas so we wanted to spend the day just the two of us. She made a big deal that we wouldn't be with family. Hello, we are a family now! DH and I are a FAMILY!
MIL has also been on our case about having children. We have been married about 6 months and do not have plans to have children for 5-10 years. Children is not one of our immediate goals.
i know christmas was a few days ago but i feel the need to respond.
my mother in law is insane when it comes to her "family circle". since day one she's made me feel like i was just interupting her life and perfect family. christmas is of course no different here. she still puts up stockings for her boys. mind you being married in our own house we have our own stockings...that just offends her.
i can completely see where you're coming from and why you're mad. you're a newlywed trying to lead a married life. you're excited about a holiday as a couple and want to create you're own tradition. i can't say this fully because i don't have children; however if i did i think once my children left the nest i would want them to have their own traditions. when i moved out of my parents i no longer received an easter basket, stocking, or birthday cake from my mother. it was a sign that i grew up. my husband...well his mother sees him as a 5 year old and me as a burden she has to comply with (when she sees that its neccessary). for my husbands birthday last year she made us spend the day with her. baked him a cake (with a singing candle and a tractor toy on it). this to me was hurtful and rude. yes, it's almost 2010 but i feel like these are my things to do (bake a cake for my husband and make his birthday special).
i could go on and on with little things...i could even move to seriously down right rude things that she admitted doing to make me mad. bottomline here is its your job to define whether your MIL is being mean or just not thinking. shes probably selfishly thinking about how she wants her perfect family for christmas. she might even be thinking that just the two of you on christmas morning might be sad (even if thats what you want). sometimes you have to put yourself in her shoes. doesnt mean you should change your plans for this woman.
also remember who's mother she is. your husband needs to lay down boundaries and point out when she's rude if she is. he married you; he needs to support you. it also looks like he needs to cut ties with her. don't be fully mad at her...be mad at him too. he can just as easily say "im married now mom, we want to spend christmas at our home". it's his job to cut the umbillical cord. if you try and break them up and he stays out of it how does that look? this is between him and you; unfortuantly it probably upsets you way more!
so no, to agree with others who have responded; it's not really a big deal. it's just a big deal to you. it's difficult to try and start a new life...its even harder when a mother wont let you. i can see why this might be something you can't help but blow out of proportion.