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Internet Infidelities...
Hi. I am just wondering if anyone else has encountered this and what they did about it. My fiance and I are engaged to be married in July and well recently I found that he had been 'chatting' online sexually with other women... AND MEN! He said he was "curious" and it was just talk and he's never met anyone or talked to anyone more than once. I know he has never physically cheated on me but I feel like this is just as bad! What do I do? I know he has a pornography addiction and I'm afraid its just getting worse and worse (like how you need stronger and stronger drugs etc). He is a good man and trying to do everything he can to make it up to me... he wants to go to counseling etc to try to get help and save our relationship. I on the other hand feel humiliated, hurt, angry and disappointed. I cannot kiss him right now or sleep in the same room but I can't move out either... I love him and I truly believe it is an addiction. Aside from taking the internet away and going to counseling.. any ideas or wisdom? Please tell me I'm not the only one to have gone through this!
We watched the movie Fireproof and he cried through most of it (he does NOT cry but he feels so horrible for what he has done to me). He's been doing the "Love Dare" book ever since... He truly is making an effort to change and be better... but what do I do for me in the mean time? I'm still angry/crushed!
Re: Internet Infidelities...
Ok...here are your issues
(1) He cheated...physical or not, it is cheating
(2) He not only cheated with women but with men...that is a major red flag
Why can't you move out? And why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like that? Things don't magically change with you get married...if he did this now, he will do it again.
How did you find out?
Sure he (might) be making an effort, but for how long?
If you are not ready to dump him today (which I would BTW...I don't put up with crap...especially cheating), then at least postpone the wedding indefinately and have some space...that means moving out.
This is not the time to make excuses why you can't do this or that...just do it. Get out now.
amen to that ...I know that is not what you want to hear, but I seriously just want to shake you! Leave!
I say leave before its too late! But IF you decide to stay and somehow in your head make things justifiable at least work out some issues in therapy first, if you don't it will only get worse.
OMG..What do you mean "what do I do?"
You break off your engagement because he cheated on you...By getting married doesnt mean that things will "magically" get better and his infidelity will disappear. Stop trying to convince yourself that he has changed,it's going to take a lot more than watching a movie or reading a book-believe me.
There are plenty of men in the world. Go find one who won't cheat on you.
BTW Addictions are a perfectly good reason to leave.
If you read up on porn and sex addiction, there are those people who argue it is a progressive illness. Meaning, the addict will only seek more and more intense situations to get the same "high." Other people argue that it is not progressive.
If you think he might have an addiction, you may try checking out www.sanon.org or www.cosa-recovery.org. No matter what, you need to seek help for yourself and find a good support system. Good luck!
Stop right here.
And show this jerk THE DOOR, stat.
Cheating is cheating.
And er wow, chatting with men as well? Sounds like he's either gay or bi, in addition to being a cheater.
He feels horrible for what he's done? Nup -- he feels horrible he was caught.
And he's also got a porn addiction?
You are either nuts or this is MUD; I don't know which it is.
Get tested. Do this right now, before you show him the door.
Get out now before you have to go through a messy divorce. This is a red flag, a big flashing warning sign that he doesn't want to be married (to you or probably anybody else).
If you insist on making it work, transparency on his part is 100% key. You should know where he is at all times, be able to access all of his chat logs, etc. He cheated, and he has to earn back your trust. Frankly though, it would be less work and heartache to just dump him and start from scratch... he's at less than zero here, trust wise.
Women and men?
He's either gay or gay curious. Are you serious about marrying this guy???
ETA: Love Languages, Love Dare -- shove all of these dumb "advice books." I don't know why people are dumb enough to buy into reading these tomes. It's a no brainer: treat the other person the way YOU want to be treated -- and if the guy's a jerk, he's a jerk! Dude, if it walks like a duck it's a duck! Another no brainer.
Well, Im not holding my breath because most people dont just flip the light switch from 1 day to another, but I hope that you mean what you say and GTF out of that relationship. People who are so desperate to make a shitttttty relationship work, don't usually become so strong after a couple of days ona message board.
Again, I do actualyl hope you mean it and do it.
This.
I just got out of a 15 yr marriage that was like that. I can tell you right no that couples therapy would be a must...but also you must be 100% invested in making it work and really be sure that is what you want. I unfortunately did not find out before i got married, it was happening during the marriage. I thought I wanted to make it work. Was positive. Tried for years to make it work. It just kept cycling around and happening again. But mine kept "convincing" me we did not need a therapist.
I have left him about a year ago now and am now with a man who is 12 yrs my junior that loves and respects me in a way my ex never did. I am now able to see all the ways I was being manipulated into staying.
Bottom line: only YOU can make the ultimate decision if you are willing to stay or if you will go. But trust is one of the hardest things to rebuild.
my thoughts and sympathies are with you in these trying times.
Put his crap on the lawn and change the locks.
My dear, don't let yourself believe that you are going to settle for all this. Better a broken engagement now, then a nasty divorce later with possible children involved.
"Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts. It stays on you forever."