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grumble, grumble
So DH is an only child and I think that his mother is struggling with the notion that there may be another woman in the driver's seat of her son's life now that DH and I are married and that she's not the ultimate say anymore.
DH's family gets together for New Years Day to celebrate all the winter b-days as well as hang out again since Christmas Eve apparently wasn't enough. I am a winter B-day and have never felt comfortable having my day celebrated with their family. I am happy that they are happy to celebrate it with me but I've always felt a little odd about it since it isn't my family. I've been going to this event for 4 years, including last year when I was so sick with a head cold I literally wanted to crawl into a hole and die rather than be out in public. this year, I suggested to Hubby that we go up to my parents' cabin for New Years since we have the long weekend and we haven't been up there since our Honeymoon right after the wedding. It is so beautiful and peaceful in the off season in a way that you couldn't possibly imagine unless you're there. MIL is livid with me that we aren't going to be at her family party. *sigh* I am not suggesting that we never go to their party again but in a year where we're establishing our own traditions, you'd think that she'd be able to muster up a bit of understanding.
Someone please tell me that this will get easier?? I'm so frustrated because her anger with me clearly isn't about hubby or I. It is about her and her need to control Hubby. I always guessed that it was going to be a bit rougher for me with the only child thing - but goodness gracious!
Re: grumble, grumble
The Mr. is also an only child of a single parent home and MIL is heartbroken that she's going to miss out on certain things because of decisions we've made. For example we're not having children but may adopt when the time is right. For years we've gotten the "how can you not give me any grandbabies" and "Adoption is not the same" speeches.
She also acted all cool with the wedding being offbeat and on Halloween and not in a church and The Mr. not in a tux etc, etc. Then the day came and she complained the entire day. It's cold, my legs hurt, I can't climb the stairs, are you done with us yet...lady, it's your only childs wedding and you're making him misrable. Way to go. She ditched immediatly after the ceremony and missed the entire reception because she wasn't the center of attention that she constantly needs to be.
In short, my MIL is nuts and is having seperation anxiety. If I had to type all the crazy things she's done and said in the 8 years The Mr. and I have been together i'd need my own website. I'm not expecting her to get any better but maybe your MIL will.
im so glad that i dont have to deal with this. My ex was a mama's boy though and it was horrible. His mom never believed me if I ever told her anything negative about her son. I hate that! Just stay strong girl!!!
I just talked to my dh's mother for the first time on Christmas. She gave him away when he was little because her drunken boyfriend didnt like him. He hasnt seen his mother in over 10 yrs and she calls him only a couple times a year. She is an alcoholic and lives on food stamps. She got mad because when she calls I never talk to her, but its because shes either drunk and my dh is ashamed to have me talk to her like that, or she always calls him when he is at work and I am not around. She was nice to me on the phone for the first time. She kinda annoyed me tho because she takes ownership for the wonderful person her son has become, when really she had nothing to do with it. It kinda makes me mad. How can u give away your son because a boyfriend doesnt like him? Then, not try to come and see him for over 10 yrs?! ugh!! I am grateful tho that its not the other way around, and I dont have a crazy mama's boy on my hands. I never really have to deal with her since I am in FL and she is in CT lol
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Ok so in our situation I'm the lucky only child and my best advice is that when you two make decisions like this stick to them firmly and don't feel bad. DH and I spent Thanksgiving with his family for several reasons I wont get into and I got guilt trips but in the end my parents survived and my grandmother got over it. It sucks and believe me it's hard for your DH but everyone will adapt and overcome but it takes time. Just support DH and help him deal and just kill your MIL with kindness.
Just being the devil's advocate here, but... I think I might be upset too if I was your MIL. If I'm reading your predicament correctly, you're proposing that you and your DH go on a mini vaca to your parents cabin instead of an annual party that DH's family has going on. She will see that as if you want to be alone instead of with his family. That might be the case, but that doesn't go over too well with family. Can't you go to their party and go to the cabin by yourselves the next weekend? Besides, they're trying to include you as a winter-birthday-person. And you said something about it being awkward because it's his family.... well, they're your family too now!
I'm the type who tries to please everyone though, so maybe I'm not the one to ask.
kellie - nope can't go the next weekend (or most any other weekend)because my part time job schedule won't allow enough time for us to drive there and back and actually have time in the middle to relax. This weekend is going to work out because of Friday being New Years and so we have a long weekend to spend up there, even though we have to come back Saturday so I can get to work Sunday morning.
I understand that this party is her tradition, she's not grasping the idea that hubby and I are trying to create our traditions. My tradition is going to the cabin to celebrate new years. I've gone to hers for quite a while now and this year, we're doing something that I grew up doing. There isn't a thing in the world wrong with that, nor should she be irate with me for it. Not everyone comes to this party so the fact that she's guilting us about it in the first place is pretty silly as well since we won't be the only ones not in attendance.
It does get easier. Or at least it did for me. DH isn't an only child but he's the only boy on his mother's side of the family so he was always favored. His mother tried to push me away as much as possible for 3 years and whenever she could manage it, she made him feel like dirt for wanting to do anything with me rather than her or their family.
After we moved in together his mother was still being picky and hateful about every family event that we didn't want to go to. We stopped going over there at all for a while because of her. FIL finally yelled at her about it saying that she was driving him and his sister away and needed to stop or they wouldn't come back. After she realized that her daughter was also planning to leave as soon as possible she backed off both of them.
Witchy - We're not planning to have children at all. We'll probably be fighting both sets of parents on that one for a very long time.
Witty-
I have to side with Kellie on this one. While you and DH are creating your own traditions, you have to respect the traditions already in place. I could understand if this was something new, but it is clearly something they have done for a long time. I could understand if you had a conflicting event that involved your family, but just taking off for a few days because you feel like it and it is convenient will make you seem like the bad guy.
Personally, family comes before anything else for me. If I were your MIL, I would be offended and hurt that you were choosing to take a vacation when you've known about this gathering. Especially when you are part of it as a winter birthday.
Like Kellie said, you ARE part of DH's family now. I would hole up in your place for the days you have off and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist, and make an appearance at the party.
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You know, that's tough. I see both sides of this. You're stating that you want to build your own traditions - so are you saying that you want to go the cabin every year as your tradition? What does your DH want to do? He might be put between a rock and hard place choosing between pleasing his mom and his wife.
I think it's important that you participate in the family party in some way - maybe bake cookies for it or something, or stop by for some time. Maybe make arrangements to switch years - one year at MIL's, one year at the cabin, etc. But like it or not, I would not recommend cutting out MIL's party completely.
While I agree with you to a point, she is, by being angry about this, is not respecting my family's tradition of spending the New Years Holiday at our cabin. So to use your logic, I can't win. :-/ not that I'm looking to win - I just am wishing for her to understand that Hubby is not completely focused on his Mom's demands for his time anymore. It is just tough because no matter what I do, she's going to be angry about it because she's not the one he's consulting with to make decisions anymore. Know what I mean?
So, after reading all the comments, here are my thoughts. It sounds as if both sides have traditions (duh, we all do). It's hard to please everyone unless each family has a separate set of traditions that don't conflict. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case as each of us have our own Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions that often overlap. For us, we decided to alternate and I might recommend the same for you. If you grew up going to the cabin over New Years and haven't been in 5 years, I totally understand wanting to go back to the cabin. Maybe that becomes something you do every other year and the in between years going to MIL's party? DH's family gets together the Sunday before Christmas for one of his grandmothers - he hadn't been in 5 years. So we went this year.
Marriage is often about compromise. It'd be easy if we just comprised with our husbands. Over time, I do think it gets easier. But the first year is always difficult, even if you've been together for a while.