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Am I being unreasonable?
Ok, so on Christmas Eve DH recieved a package from his parents (we didn't notice at 1st it was just addressed to him). So he opens it and it's a Snoppy Christmas shirt. He looks and goes, oh I guess there's just one. Well, I was slightly upset by this, but nothing major. I mean it hurt my feelings a bit esp since anytime my parents send something (even a thinking of you card), they address it to both of us. But it's HIS mom and he's HER baby, so I am used to her constantly sending things only to him.
Anyway, later that night DH was on the phone with her and frantically starts searching for the packaging and asks me to look for it with him. He said there was something else in there.... So I pick up the shirt and a check falls out. Dh snatches it up and walks away -- I can hear his mom yelling through the phone. So when he gets off the phone, he walks in with the check and I ask him what that was all about. He said his mom told him she sent HIM money bc he needs to have his own money and not to let me see it. And that it was not his Christmas gift (which even if it was, all of my Christmas gifts of money go into our account), this was extra for him. She still has our gifts for Christmas bc they will be coming down sometime in January. He then tried to show me the check, but I didn't even look at it. He put it with the checks from my family to take to the bank and put in our account. But that isn't the point. I knew DH would put the money for us bc he sees everything as ours the same way I do. But it really bothers me that MIL did this. What the hell does she think of me that DH needs his own money?!
This just really hurt my feelings and pissed me off bc
#1 Since we have moved to SC (1 1/2 years ago), I have been our sole source of income. Dh had the hardest time finding a job and once he did (at Starbucks), he was asked to leave a month later due to conflict of interest (opening a coffee roasting business). So I pay for everything for us, him, or me and spend just about nothing on myself. I don't even buy myself new clothes (even though I need new work clothes). Pretty much any luxery purchase we make is for US or the house. And that's rare bc all of our extra money is going to opening our business.
#2 I handle all of our finances and we have a joint account (and she knows this). So she is telling him to go open his own account and put this money in it for him. I don't even have a personal account with money in it for me.
I don't know. Am I being unreasonable thinking she is completely out of line? Is it wrong for this to hurt my feelings? Maybe I am being selfish for wanting DH's money to be for our expenses too?
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
I think it is perfectly ok that it hurt your feelings. It probably would have hurt mine too. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to want those things or feel that way but sometimes it just doesn't happen the way we want them. I expect/wish/hope/desire for D and/or my MIL to do things and always get let down. I know it's not easy but I wouldn't hold a grudge against him about it, or her for that matter. It's her money and her son and she will do it regardless. Again, I think you have every right to be upset and feel hurt by it but I don't think that will make a difference and there is no sense in crying over spilled milk.
For Christmas D gets money and I get an admitedly cheap gift. They tell me all about going to the jewelry shows and getting stuff for "next to nothing". Then the next to nothing object gets stuffed in my back and D gets cash. He of course doesn't think that it should go to the bank account and thinks since it's HIS money he gets to spend it HIS way. I just let it go because there is no way to argue with it.
My mom did the same thing with my brother so I can understand it to a certain degree.
Your MIL is probably giving him the money because she knows he doesn't have his own and thinks that he deserves it. Mommies always think their little boys deserve everything under the sun.
Honestly, I would be offended too. If she wants to give him money, that's fine, but for her to be so abnoxious as to what he should do with it, wrong. And to insist that he doesn't let you see it and put it in a different account, even more wrong, and completely out of line.
But that's her problem. It would be your problem if your DH was actually doing what she says he should, but he's not. He's putting the money in your joint account, and you guys are on the same page, that's what matters, IMHO.
If this really bothers you, you should tell your DH and maybe ask him to talk to his mom about it, tell her how you two have a joint account and all money belongs to the two of you. Worst case scenario, she stops sending extra checks.
Either way, don't let it get to you. Your DH's behavior is the one that counts in this situation, not hers. HTH
That's a very good point!
I would be offended too. I don't really have much to add to the situation, Karrey and Lore did a pretty good job of summing up how I feel too.
I will however say this: personal accounts are great. When DH and I got married we each kept our personal accounts and had a joint account too. Worked out great. BUT now that I am making half as much and we no longer have that discretionary income, guess what? No more deposits into the personal accounts. I think that it is a nice luxury, but when you are on a budget, not necessary.
That's exactly what I thought when I read it. Not saying you shouldn't be offended, but that's probably where her head is at. Maybe she doesn't want him to feel "beholden" to you or something.
I agree . . . to a point. The main thing that would piss me off is that she asked your husband to keep secrets from you. That's what I would be mad about. I wouldn't mind that she sent him money for a treat, but her asking him to keep a secret from his wife - not cool.
Ha, I'm so glad you posted this. I am having the exact same problem. This year, DH told his parents that he just needed money, so they gave us money. I opened a few gifts from them, nothing more than $25 worth all together, and then get a $50 check. Awesome! That's plenty, then DH opened a gift (socks) and a check from them. He did it quickly and didn't show it to me. So later we were in the room alone and I ask how much his check was...$200!
Now, we had already talked about what we were going to do with the money they gave us, we're putting it toward a CC payment we have, but still..we're married now..why not either 1) split it more evenly, even if he still gets more, what's the point of blowing me out of the water with how much you're giving him or better yet 2) write us one check. We don't have our "own" money. Its not how we do things and they know that, so two checks is really a waste.
I feel selfish, but...come on. They talk all the time about how they don't even call me their daughter in law, they call me their daughter because they love me so much and they see me as a member of the family, but then that's how they gift? It just hurts my feelings, DH knows, we've talked about it plenty of times, I didn't say anything this time, but I know he knows I'm hurt. Oh well, like I said, its going toward CC anyway...
This - I had a separate savings/checking account, now its got Hunter's name on it too but I use it a savings account for him and a personal checking for myself. The checking account has maybe $200 in it? Most of the money I get as gifts goes into our joint account.
Anyways, the secretive bit is the thing that bugs me. I'd be po'd too.
Ditto-the secret thing would piss me off. MIL gave us both checks-even amts-now, we both have separate accts and a joint acct(which I control cause, well, that's how it is)... I put the $ in our joint acct-for things like giving $ to charity or church, or for $ for graduation presents, bday presents... stuff like that-trips.
The secretive thing---soo not cool. She prob won't ever stop, either. Very sorry!
Agreed. The secretive thing is what would bother me. It's definitely his Mom that wants it to be secretive, but if DH doesn't try to hide things like that, then I wouldn't be mad at him. It's not even really worth it to be mad at her--like pps said, that's just how she is and how she always will be. If it's really bothering you, I'd mention it to DH.
I would be MOST upset about her wanting to keep it a secret. That is NO WAY to go about amarriage. Once you start keeping oney stuff a secret then what next?
DH and I both have our own seperate savigns and checking and then we have a joint account. Joint account pays all bills, but we also both deposit X amount into it. Any personal spending comes out of our own account.
Generally any birthday or xmas money we put straight into the joint account...its kind of an understanding we have between each other.
I think it is WAY out of line for your MIL to tell you DH to keep any money a secret from you.
This.
Thanks for all the input ladies. I was never upset with DH (surprisingly bc I usually take this stuff out on him), and I did tell him that it hurt my feelings that she sends stuff only to him and pissed me off that she said not to tell me. Even if we had personal accounts, he shouldn't hide it from me (and he of course agrees).
But like you all said, he didn't and that's how MIL is. I know it's going to happen and she will always be like this (bc she is BSC even though I love her and she loves me), but it's still hurtful sometimes.
Oh and just an fyi, DH went to the bank yesterday and deposited everything in our account.