Sex & Romance
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Upset over what I found
Ok so I decided to take another bag to work today that is bigger and will fit my lunch, shoes book and other work stufff in. The bag was stored in DH's closet. There were some baseball caps in the bag that I emptied out and I felt something in the pocket. I reached in and grabbed out 2 porn DVDs that I know were not "ours". We have a couple that we purchased together a while ago but I know these were not a joint purchase. They were of stuff that I am not really into (bondage) but I will do every once in a while for DH but not to the extreme. He said he totally fogot they were in the bag and he bought them years ago when we were having communication issues (nothing extra-marital but just a "not getting along" period).
I know this stuff really turns him on but it just really hurt my feeling to find these movies and that they were hidden. It was like a 5 year old hiding his candy. I wouldn't be mad if he came home and told me he bought them but I would not be excited (no pun intended) to watch them at all. I'm a little pissed and just hurt that he kept them hidden. We talked briefly this morning but I found them as I was walking out the door trying to pack my bag. I am not really asking for advice but just to vent.
Re: Upset over what I found
My guess is that they are fetish videos. he's got a kink that he evidently wants to explore a bit more.
Maybe they are DVDs he bought and forgot about; maybe they are not.
This is probably why he hid them from you. I doubt that you "wouldn't have been mad" if he had shown them to you so I guess either way probably would have ended up with the same outcome. At least he's not cheating on you or doing something terrible.
You may not want it, but here is some advice anyway!
You know that your DH is "really" into bondage. It turns his crank. You have agreed to indulge his interest (note that I did not use the term fetish) "every once in a while", but he probably wants it more often than you do. In order to satisfy this craving, he watches (or at least did at one point) bondage porn. He knows you don't approve, so he hid it from you.
In my opinion, you have a couple of options:
1.) willfully ignore it, let him watch bondage porn occasionally and give him this outlet for his sexual interest that you do not share. Your disapproval has forced him to hide it.
2.) Sit down and discuss it with him -- not the porn, the bondage. What about it turns him on? What makes it sexy for him? Is it the helplessness of the person tied up? Is it the allure of the power exchange? Does he want to be tied up? When did he realize that he was into it? Does he want to expand to dominance and submission or sado-masochism? Or does he just like bondage?
Listen without judgement. Allow him to share this with you without worrying that he will be rejected for his interests. Then see where you guys might be able to find a middle ground -- more frequent bondage games between the two of you or just ignoring his porn collection. Because denying his interest in bondage is going to create more problems...
I don't see what the big deal is. You said that the two of you watch porn together and that you indulge him now and then in stuff that he likes that you are not crazy about. It's not like it's gay porn or something completely life changing that would make you question his sanity or sexuality. If he put them there years ago and forgot about them, then what's the big deal? Is it because you feel like he lied by omission?
IMO, you are making a big deal out of nothing. I also have a feeling that you would have been upset if he told you that he had them. He probably realized this, so he put them away in his closet and forgot about them.
This
agreed, it just sounds like you're trying to find something to fight over. If it's just because he didn't tell you that he had them, let him know that...or is it that he watches ones that you wouldn't want to watch without you?
I could understand if you found some other woman's underwear, but finding kinky porn is nothing to really got hot and bothered over (no pun intended). my xfi and I used to like to eat hot wings together, but I wasn't necessarily a fan of eating them all the time (not too health KWIM?). But there are times I would get a craving for them, and would get some for only myself. I certainly hope that he didn't get mad when he saw the chicken bones in the trash.
Sounds ridiculous? Well, its the same thing you are saying. You have indulged in a behavior with your DH and therefore told him it's acceptable to watch. Why are you going to get all butthurt because he has stuff you haven't seen? I am surprised he doen't have a whole rubbermaid container of it somewhere.
This. I don't see the big deal here at all.
This is either:
a) sarcasm
or
b) you didn't actually read the entire post
They watch porn together and she's ok with porn. He had some porn stashed in his closet from a while back when they were dating. He forgot about them. How is that lying? Does he have to show her every single thing that he owns so that if she comes across it she doesn't feel hurt that he didn't tell her about it? That's crazy. The porn is about stuff that she does with him now and then even though she doesn't care for it.
It's not sarcasm. She said it hurt her feelings "That they were hidden", and i simply agreed with her and validated her feelings. Yes, i know she's okay with porn and watching porn together - but i feel very strongly that secrets about porn can hurt a relationship and it's something. Some secrets are okay in my book and i'm not expecting her to need to know everything about everything he owns and every purchase he makes. But in regards to porn? Yes. Call me crazy.
Tela--how is it a secret if they've been in the back of his closet for years? We don't know if he hid them, or if they've been there like he said.
Also, if he has a kink, I think she should either indulge it or let him kink-out on his own.
You are crazy. You are making porn out to be some something that will bring on Armageddon in a marriage/relationship. There is an underlying problem here; it seems as if she only watches porn with her DH because he likes watching it. I don't think she is fully accepting and comfortable with watching porn at all for that matter. She opened pandora's box with this one by allowing it in the first place and even playing in to his bondage fantasies every once in a while. If he likes bondage and porn he may just go buy porn with bondage (::gasp:: go figure).
Agreed. And i should've said that before, i think, too, that she should "kink-out" with him and indulge it. Yes.
i could care less if my DH did that. i know he buys porn and doesn't tell me about it, i buy a pair of $500 shoes and don't tell him and he doesn't flip when he finds another Fendi shoe box in my closet.
i mean you already let him watch porn, who cares if he buys some new stuff with out telling you. if you didn't get so upset about it, i'm sure he would tell you.
Alicia took the words out of my mouth.
Agreed
I totally agree and I don't think your crazy!
Good news, bad news.
The bad news is that DH has been watching rude perverted porn. The good news is he probably hasn't had an affair or is picking up hookers.
Time for a talk WITHOUT raised voices, threats, emotions or condescending remarks.
I don't think you are crazy either. I agree