Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
It's come to this, advice?
I posted before about my sis suggesting she ask her FSIL to be an attendant at their June/10 wedding (I should mention here that there was initially only me and FSIL?s daughter ? who will be 15 ? asked to be attendants). BAD idea, the woman is a trouble maker, know-it-all, drama queen. My initial thought was to step down as a bridesmaid if that ever happened, and simply focus on planning the event for them ? as this is what I wanted in the first place. Well, today sis emailed me that she had, in fact, asked FSIL to stand up for her and that she had agreed. Brutal. Anyway, I just can?t do this, putting up with this woman is sooooo not my problem. My sis knows *exactly* what this woman is all about and she asked her anyway. Nope, sorry, I?m out! Sis has been with FBIL for over 15 years, she is not na?ve about the trouble this will create for anyone having to deal with FSIL. Anyway, I was trying to be as diplomatic as possible so I sent her this email:
I am gonna be honest (cause that's what I do), I think that you made a poor decision with respect to including FSIL. It does put others in a bit of an awkward situation, also. She's extremely difficult to deal with, even on a good day and has zero respect for boundaries. Plus, she's broke! Seriously, I am speaking totally honestly here. I knew, when I agreed to be an attendant for you that, given the rules of etiquette that dictate the financial responsibilities of bridal attendants and junior bridesmaids, I was going to shoulder the burden of paying for any functions, etc (b/c Niece is simply too young to be expected to contribute and it is tacky to ask the parent(s) of an attendant to contribute on their behalf). Given the fact that FSIL is now paying for TWO outfits/shoes/etc, there is little likelihood that she will be willing or able to help me pay for those same items that she now, as an attendant, is obligated to pay for! Yeh, it's sad, but this is about cash and her ability to co-operate and live up to her end of agreeing to be an attendant. Bottom line. I did mention to mom that I would absolutely be willing to step down and simply be a behind-the-scenes participant. I mean, that way, I know that I can devote that much more time and energy to making sure that the day is perfect, and I won't be caught up in the bridesmaids activities on the 12th so I can make sure all is as it should be. Do NOT take this as me being mutsy (lol), I seriously just want to make sure that things are as easy for all concerned as they can be...plus I think it may be nice for your 2 attendants to be mother and daughter, no?
Here was her response:
I know how you feel about FSIL and i respect that, i really do , but as per BIL?s request, i included her. I don't mind. as for the cost etc, i have spoken to her about that already and she is more than happy to pay etc, in fact i offered to pay for Niece?s stuff and she said " oh no, i will pay for that" ... so i am not worried about that either.
I would not like you to step down...... if you would prefer to dedicate 100% to other things that is your choice as well, i would certainly be disappointed if you did that, but again the decision is yours.
WTF?! I want what?s best for my sis, but c?mon. Sis is a friggin? grown up and made a poor choice knowing full well it was a poor choice. Decisions have consequences. Why should I have to work that much harder and put up with a bunch of extra crap just b/c she made a poor choice?!
Be honest, am I being a selfish cow?
Re: It's come to this, advice?
Honestly, I don't think you are (being a selfish cow)
I don't know if you told her before she made her decision that you were considering stepping down, but I don't think that matters much because she knows how you feel about her (and having to collaborate with her).
I don't think you should have to put up with all of the stress, because of your sister's poor choice. Financial issues can be a matter of contention between bridesmaids (as I know from personal experience), and things don't look good if you (and your sister) already know this will be a problem.
Maybe I am insensitive, but it's not like you aren't going to offer your help in other ways.
Good luck, I know it will be a difficult decision to make.
I don't think you're a cow, but I do think you're being kind of unfair to your sister.
Yes, she knew what she was getting into by asking her FSIL, but she said that she's doing it due to her FI's request. Who knows - maybe they had a heated argument about it. Maybe he begged her. For whatever reason, she decided that it was important to ask FSIL to be in the BP, even if she might cause drama, etc.
I think it's unfair for you to punish your sister for this. Sure, it'll be a pain for you to deal with FSIL, but your sister is the one who will have to deal with her for the rest of her life.
If I were you, I'd do whatever BM duties you're doing with the assumption that you'll get no help from FSIL. If you're worried about money, spend what you would have spent on the shower when FSIL wasn't in the BP. Expect no help from her - sure it may not be fair, but that's life. Or, if she interferes too much, let her plan it - say that you're busy with the wedding planning.
Don't let this woman ruin YOUR relationship with your sister. You being her BM is about nothing other than you and sis.
Baby #2: Surprise BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
I honestly thought she would understand and just let me back out gracefully. Turns out I was naive.
Knowing the people involved here, that would have been the far better option. Thing is, my sis told me a few weeks ago all of the reasons (good, well articulated ones) why she didn't want FSIL involved, at all. She asked what I thought she should do and I was honest with her. I told her it would be a disaster. She agreed but said she planned to consider it anyway b/c she was getting heavily criticized by FILs for not involving this woman. Can I just mention that, in the time my sis has been a member of this family (15 years and 2 kids) that FSIL has been married THREE times and never once asked sis to be a part of anything, ever.
I think you are being a little bit selfish. This isn't about you and isn't your decision.
How would you have felt if your sister had told you who could and couldn't be in your bridal party? I've seen a bride try to make everyone happy on her wedding day. She was miserable. She dreaded her wedding. Don't do that to your sister.
And really, how much will you have to interact with this woman? She was already invovled as the FSIL and mother of a minor attendant.
Plus if you aren't an attendant, what happens to your sister's day? Who is going to be helping her get ready and helping her with the little details if you aren't there? If you know FSIL can't be trusted to pay for any of the extras, you're stepping down knowing your sister won't get to enjoy those parties? And if you are going to do this any way, then what are you gaining by not being a BM? What will you really prove? I don't think anything other then she'll look at her wedding pictures and remember you weren't standing by her.
Oh, okay. Well she DOES understand, but she doesn't want you to back out because she doesn't only want crazy *** FSIL and her daughter as her entire bridal party! I understand that she would be really sad if you backed out. I think it would hurt her more to lose you as a member of the bridal party, than it will hurt you to suck it up.
If my sister sent me an email like that I would be hella pissed and would accept her decision to step down because I wouldn't want her in my wedding party with that kind of attitude.
JMO.
I like this response.
I think you should suck it up and be in the wedding party with FSIL. If she really is this bad, your sister may need/want your support dealing with her.
Good luck!
Thanks for the responses, I aprreciate the honesty. Mst of what you all said, I had already told myself. I guess it was just the stubborn part of me that wanted to look at things differently.
I know I was putting her in an awkward position, but I suppose you'd have to understand the relationship between my sis and I to appreciate that I had every reason not to want to be a part of what may, very well, turn into a circus. I spoke to her last night, at length, and we hashed a bunch of stuff out. I guess she was feeling like she just really wanted someone with some balls in her corner, to stand up for her, and she also thought (mistakenly) that it was super important to me to be in her wedding party. I was feeling really confused (and skeptical) about her motivation for wanting me involved, and I felt like I was being used and manipulated. In the end I "sucked it up", told her that I will do WHATEVER she wants me to. She laughed and told me that, in that case, she wants me to be a bridesmaid...so I guess that's what I am going to do. Wish me luck.
Good luck!
I'm glad you are going to be there for her, and that you two have a relationship where you can be so honest with one another and still come out friends. I have a sister so I do understand how frustrating it can be, but I'd say overall it's worth it
And remember - we're here for venting so you don't strangle the FSIL and to tell you what the right thing is to do. My disclaimer is: when asked, my advice is often what I know the right thing to do is if you're going to be the bigger person. My answers to WWYD? tend to be different
