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Wits End: Big Vent
I am furiously angry with my husband, but he doesn't know it. I don't know how to have the conversation with him that he's not living up to my expectations. I have half a mind to give him some sort of ultimatum to wake him up from his lazy coma. I have talked to him about needing him to do more, and I just keep hearing his lame excuses.
He has significantly improved on the housework. But he flat out refuses to read anything about child-rearing and prefers to wing it with our child. And he flat out refuses to read anything about house-buying, preferring to go by his gut because everything will work out. And he has not budged is giant butt an inch from the same worn out spot on the couch to try to attend to his health. He only leaves the house to buy fast food. No grocery shopping. No errands. This means I have to do the things he should be doing. I have to do the research. I have to run around.
And I do these things, and I try to teach him what to do, and he just disagrees or refuses to do what I've asked out of laziness and learned helplessness (which I find SO unattractive). But, baby, you're so much better at the financial stuff than me. But, baby, she won't sleep for me, only for you. But, baby, I can't I won't I don't wanna
On top of this, he's recently gotten into conspiracy theories big time. He doesn't want to get a H1N1 shot now because he thinks it's part of the Bloomberg corporation conspiracy that he learned about by watching a fricken show hosted by Jesse fricken Ventura. It started with an interest in JFK and has blossomed into what may become full blown paranoia. I have already told him that these shows appeal to small-minded people and are heavily skewed to make mountains out of molehills in order to incite anger. He agrees, but gets sucked right back in with the latest conspiracy that he believes. It shocks me that he is suceptible to this kind of thinking. What next?
I wish I was married to a Man who was responsible and take-charge and an equal partner.
I don't really want to threaten him. And I feel awful for wanting him to "change" because it is a huge relationship mistake to expect people to change. But I am so exhausted. And I'm starting to really resent him and think of him as a drain, rather than a help.
And how do I say all of this without tearing everything to shreds? Because I do love him and want it to work in spite of his incredible laziness.
Re: Wits End: Big Vent
Aside from Scarlett, I can relate to you in this situation in so many ways so unfortunatley, I have no good advice. I cannot imagine what you are having to deal with.
Can you try focusing on one issue at a time so that he doesn't feel compleley attacked? Or do you think it is beyond that and he needs a complete intervention of sorts?
I started to reply, but I'm sure you've already thought things I've mentioned... What does DH do around the house? Does he have his own stuff and you, yours? As for Scarlett-I wouldn't let him say-you do this better. I'd give her right back to him and say DEAL.
As for errands and such, that's tough. I'm dealing w DH going to the market this eve as I ALWAYS go on my days off since the kids' schedule w us changed. We used to go together. What about doing some errands, etc together? Would that help?
One suggestion might be to give a list of things he does.... and doesn't do.... and why it bothers you... You would want to follow up w some positive things that he does that you're glad he does.... (DH takes out the trash and recycling bins, but DOES NOT take the recycling and put it in the recycle bin-why?!? IDK, but I"m sure if I let the recycling pile up after a few days or so, he'd get the hint and do it. I've done that with dishes lately... )
I wish I had more suggestions for you. It svcks when things are one sided. Does he know these things are bothering you?
I hear ya! Though we dont have a kid yet...and DH does help around the house...but there are things that I ask and ask and ask him to do and he just doesnt. BUT once he sees that I am going to do it/fix it...then he comes running to do it....very frustrating.
I htink you just need to sit down and have a very frank talk with him about wha tyou expect him to be doing daily. Make a chore chart if you have to!
I do think that he should pull more weight around the house/with the baby since he is home more then you.
Sorry you are going through this. Its a tough situation.
Yes, I like Agent's suggestion....
If he can't do certain things as good as you do, then maybe he should spend more time doing them... so he can be as good-or better...
This is going to sound bad, but have you tried "managing" your husband the way you would manage your staff? I've found that when I ask people to do something for me, if I don't get them a deadline, it never gets done. The same with J, who is usually super with chores. I did all the housework one weekend so I asked him to clean out the fridge. He said sure . . . but never did it. I asked again next weekend and said I needed it done by Monday. Even though he ended up doing it Tuesday, I think the deadline in his mind made accomplishing the task more of a prioity . . . .
When he says, "Babe, you're so much better at this than me . . . " I would say, "Why is your time more valuable than mine?" I know I say this a lot, but I feel like there's still an assumption is our culture that woman is suppoed to mother the man and take of everything for him. It basically implies that his time is more valuable than hers . . . so he can sit around playing XBox while she cleans the kitchen. I think that challanging that assumption to his face may help him understand where you're coming from.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this Aria. I know it's difficult to sit your spouse down when you have specific problems with them, but it's the only chance you have to get him to change.
The only advice I can give is to be as non-confrontational as possible. Tell him you need to talk with him seriously. Let him know the stress on you and the things that you feel are too much for you to handle (instead of things he should be doing but is too lazy to). Hopefully this will make him more receptive.
I hope you can talk with him and him really listen and not take it the wrong way. You know we are here for you always.
Aria, I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I understand fully that you would rather have one of you watch Scarlett (for many obvious reasons) but I also agree that him getting some kind of job will help him to do something constructive with his time besides playing video games and watching TV. Even if he found something for a few hours a week, like coaching little league or working with one of the local school's baseball teams. You would still need to find someone to help out a few hours a day (of course if it was little leauge he might be able to take her with him), but maybe having his own thing would give him some of his identity back and help him to get "on track" with real life. I see this with some of my friends, both men and women who stay home, they kind of get in a rut and (IMO) need help getting out of it.
As far as the crazy TV shows, (and this is really bad) my ex fi used to watch a show that drove me crazy. The cable was in my name, so I called the cable co and blocked the channel. Totally petty, but it's an option!
I could give you one of my typical long-winded advice, but there's somebody who has already done it better than me:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html
Check it out. One of my favorite articles and very insightful.
I totally thought of this article after I posted, but I couldn't remember the name. Good find, Twink!
Agreed, good article.
I have no advice. I would be super frustrated that DH isn't being an equal partner. My DH will pull the "but he can't go to sleep with me" type of stuff with Hunter, but thats about it; we balance each other really well. But since your DH is staying home, he's got to take on some of the responsiblities of being a SAHD, including organizing finances, grocery shopping, etc; that way you can have your time with Scarlett and not have to worry about this crap.
I will add though, that I do agree with him on not reading books on child rearing. Although if he is just being too lazy to read them, that's one thing, but I gave away all our books on them and just decided to go with our guts. And the internet if I need it.
Although it might be exhausting, "managing" your DH might just be a good answer. Maybe he needs more of a clear job description . . . something that defines your exact expectations. I have a friend who sets deadlines for her husband, like grocery shopping must be done by Tuesday at 5pm.
I understand where you are coming from on the parenting issues, but maybe there is another way to reach out to him. Instead of books, would he read an article if you sent him a link? My DH won't touch books but will happily read anything online. Give him a book and it becomes a huge issue.
As for the house, a good realtor will be able to help you both. Don't stress too much on the reading. Did you ever call Cameron? He has always been good about helping my friends out with questions and planning before they are ready to buy their first place. Maybe getting together and having all of your questions answered with your DH there will help to get him more involved.
And if he goes back to work, make sure he works in south county . . . so I can quit my job and babysit! I'm so sick of working already!
Good article... Totally reminded me of Men are from Mars.
In my distress, I'm still resentful that I have to go out of my way to train an adult on how to behave like an adult. I'd rather train an animal at this point.
But, this truly may be the only way that anything will change. When I calm down, I will give it a try.
Sounds like he needs a lists of things to do, which should help keep him away from the couch and those TV shows...
You definitely need to talk to him, and like (was it Lorelai??) said, make sure you talk about the good things too, the things he's doing right. Make sure you two agree on the things that each is supposed to do: like I'm supposed to work and bring home the money for bacon, you're supposed to actually get the bacon from the store.
Also, without making him read books (as he seems to have an aversion), share with him what you would like him to do as far as activities go with Sweetface, and talk about the positive aspects that would bring. Even if at this point you only agree that he should take Sweetface to the park while walking Ginger, for at least half hour, it's a beginning. Once he agrees to do little things like that and gets used to it, it shouldn't be hard to add more activities on top as Sweetface grows and needs more estimulation.
I think I'm rambling... just a few ideas, hope it makes sense.
Good luck!
Totally understandable, and you have every right to be frustrated with him, trust me. But once you stew on this for a while and can think through this problem with a clear head (and not from anger) maybe it will seem more doable.
It's obviously not going to work for every situation, either, but just approaching the problem from a non-emotional, non-nagging perspective is a good way to go. If he feels belittled, things are almost certainly going to deteriorate to the point of no return.
But it does blow donkey nuts that you have to put in so much un-reciprocated effort right now, and I think we all realize that. On the other hand, we want you to be happy and this is something to at least give a shot!
Ack!
Ditto the other girls, and double ditto the glass of wine! Hang in there, honey!