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Poll: How do you fight with your spouse?
So, the other day FI and I were at his folks' with them and his sister and her boyfriend and we were bickering about something stupid (in a room by ourselves, but the other people could hear, so yeah, dumb on our part) and his mom got really upset thinking this was some major issue in our relationship. So it got me thinking about arguing in general and how you feel about an argument you're having versus how somebody else would perceive it. So...
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue?
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house?
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues?
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship?
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
Re: Poll: How do you fight with your spouse?
I'll start, but I hope other people respond, because I'm really curious and like to learn from how other people handle situations...plus I talk to myself way too much in real life to start doing it on here as well.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues. We bicker every now and then, but I would say we have an issue that lasts more than a minute maybe once a month, twice if we're feeling fiesty.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue? We've actually have conflict over major issues maybe twice in the 4.5 years we've been together. Most of the time our conflict stems from somebody being insensitive (or one of us thinking the other is being insensitive) or because tone gets misinterpreted and feelings are hurt, the issues that generally start this type of conflict are very minor.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house? If its something really dumb, we quickly recognize that we're being dumb, agree to drop the subject and let it go. If its something where one or both of us is really upset or hurt, there comes a point in the fighting that we agree to table it and come back to it when we're less emotional (from an hour to a day later) and then we're able to recognize the real root issues and come up with a way to resolve those and ways to keep it from escalating in the future.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues? I am. I think we are very good at recognizing what the real issues are once we can separate ourselves from the emotions and being constructive about tackling those, or letting go of the things that can't be changed.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship? I'm happy with it. In the first year or so of our relationship, I felt like we never fought and I actually used to complain about it, because it just seems unhealthy to me. I think conflict is natural and healthy and finding ways to resolve it is what makes you stronger and love each other more.
6. How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc? I raise my voice some times and my tone definitely changes, but I wouldn't say I ever outright yell at FI. He is always calm and logical (ALWAYS, it can be really annoying), but he definitely gets an exasperated tone when he feels like he isn't being heard or we are not on the same page.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues.
We have only had a few serious arguements in 8 years. Maybe every couple years we get to a point where we are really taking issue with something and not conveying it well and will have to really take the time to discuss what's going on. We banter (not bicker- that's too strong of a word) probably weekly, depending on our moods.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue?
It's because he didn't sleep at work, I'm hungry, his mom is being annoying, whatever. Usually not over any issue.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house?
Eat, sleep, not stress about the other one being a brat bc it is just a condition of the circumstances.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues?
Absolutely. DH is incredibly level-headed and he has really helped me learn not to take things as seriously.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship?
I am fine with our marriage and I don't feel like heated arguments are healthy. I feel like it is a substitution for regular respect for the relationship. If it's a heated argument, someone was upset by something that happened and there's a problem that should be addressed, not to happen again.
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
Withdraw. Make rude comments until the real issue comes to surface and then talk calmly. This is proba an every-ther -year thing or something.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues.
We have a blow out about once or twice a year, probably. We get a little irratated probably once or twice a month.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue?
Its all minor ***. Usually one of us is just in a mood and we pick a fight.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house?
We talk. We talk incessantly. We talk until we both feel better and then we cuddle.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues?
For the most part, yes. However, we are both lawyers, and its hard sometimes because we are both good at arguing. Its hard not to get into a "well, you said this" "no, I didn't, I said that" thing. Something sets us off and then we spend most of the argument arguing about what it was that set us off in the first place. We've often joked that we need a court reporter present for such arguments.
The big problem is that he is better at arguing than I am. We try not to cross-examine each other, but sometimes I do feel like I am out-lawyered and by then I'm so tired that I just give up. Since its all minor stuff, it doesn't matter in the end, but he's just so REASONABLE. Ugh.
The last fight we had was a huge one and it was the first time I didn't feel like we resolved the issue that same night. He just couldn't understand my point of view, and that's rare. We've resolved it since, but I was pretty sad that night.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship?
I think we fight a healthy amount, although I hate it when we do. I don't know if its good for the relationship or not.
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
Big fight: cry, yell a little, and punch him in the face (not really, but i've wanted to)
little fight: snap at him, then talk calmly
Glad I'm not the only one who is annoyed by her spouse being rational all the time!
I'll respone too. But note, that I am no longer married. So, my answers are probably a good list of what not to do.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues. We were fighting about stuff at least 2-3 times per week and sometimes more. Sometimes these fights were major and sometimes they were minor.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue? We had conflict over everything. There was a lot of conflict over really major stuff. The minor scuffles were generally stemming from aggravation over the major unresolved issues. I often think my ex used the minor stuff to continue to wear me down so he could ge this way more easily when the major battles started.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house? I almost always gave in to what the ex-H wanted to keep the peace. I finally stopped giving in when I got pregnant and his demands were impacting our child. Once I stopped giving in, our marriage quckly disintergrated and headed toward divorce.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues? Nope, our marriage was a disaster, hence the divorce. Although, the divorce was a good resolution for me. Unfortunately, it has not resolved the issues for my daughter.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship? We definitely needed to fight less. Our house was filled with anger and resentment.
6. How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc? Ex-H would yell and intimidate. If that didn't work, he would storm off and ignore. I would try to talk to calmy about issues and when that didn't work, I would give in to whatever it was he wanted and simply withdraw.
Yikes, I just re-read my answers. In all seriousness, my marriage was that bad. I am not however as bitter as my responses might make me sound. I am quite well adjusted if I do say so myself. Now I just have to make sure my daughter stays safe and protected in her interactions with her father. I don't ever want her to feel the way I did when I was with him. All of our marriage issues stemmed from his inability and unwillingness to communicate fairly and priortize his family. Anyway, I digress....
Okay, I'll play.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues.
Honestly, a lot less lately than we used to. When we were having problems (about 3 years ago), the fights were frequent, but now that we've moved past them, not so much. We fight maybe every couple months or so (if you include little ones).
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue?
Major conflict is his family, other than that mostly only minor stuff that generally I tend to escalate into issues (I will admit I'm typically the escalating one).
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house?
Irrational fight for a few minutes, cool off time to think, then a rational discussion. We both have tempers depending on the issue, so a fight starting out irrational is not uncommon.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues?
Not really. He's the type to bottle stuff up, so a lot of times, he lets things go without resolving them. I wish we always came to a resolution or at least an agreement to disagree rather than him falsely giving in, even on really minor things, but maybe it is better this way for us, who knows!
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship?
I definitely don't wish we fought more. And we fight so infrequently now I can't ask for less. Good heated discussions are great. We argue politics, policy, etc. sometimes, but I don't consider those fights.
6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
All of the above, ha!
In response to your anecdote, DH and I never fight in public. We don't think it's right, and always feel so awkward and uncomfortable when our friends and (his) family do it, so we don't. At Thanksgiving, though, while we were visiting ILs, we were shopping with his sisters and disagreed on the color of our shower curtain. Definitely not a fight or even an argument (just him saying he didn't want matchy-matchy with the towels, me saying tough
). Well his sister perceived this as some sort of fight, and later that day, his mom (who wasn't there), comes and smacks his hand (like a 4 year old) and chastises him for fighting over silly things. Really pissed us off, especially coming from a woman who the night before got into a physical altercation with her children over a scrunchie. It seems like with some people, you can't even have a different opinion without them considering it a fight. *insert eyeroll here*
My Bio (wedding pics added 7/6)
My 101
YES. I love my MIL. She's awesome. But, she is unable to have a discussion about anything without getting upset. Its hard, because she is very conservative and I am very liberal so I just avoid all talks about anything we might disagree about like the plague.
DH asked her once what she thought the difference between an arguement and a discussion was, and she said, "Nothing. Its the same thing." UGH.
I assume she doesn't watch political debates?
My Bio (wedding pics added 7/6)
My 101
I don't think she does. I think she just knows (seriously) that what she thinks is right and there is no point in watching people discuss it or talking about it herself.
I'm glad DH didn't inherit that from her. One of the best things about our marraige is that we discuss everything...from celebrity gossip to supreme court opinions. Its fun.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues. Not very often, once a year maybe.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue? Usually something stupid or money.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house? Giving each other time to think it through and talking.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues? Yes
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship? Neither. It's okay to have a heated argument/discussion every once in a while. Doesn't happen very often around here and I like that.
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc? A little yelling, then withdraw to another room and cry. Eventually talking calmly. All of the above.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues.
We are not fighters, almost to a fault. In the almost five years we've been together we've had maybe two real fights. Both of which were when our relationship was still new and I was admittedly being insecure.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue?
minor stuff definitely. Major stuff tends to be a discussion with us, not a fight. We are very good at agreeing to disagree and don't tend to turn big things into a fight.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house?
I would prefer to talk it out right away however DH really needs to talk time to process and then talk later. This has taking me forever to get used to but I respect his need to process and try my hardest to honor it.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues?
Not always- like I said before I am a talker. I could talk about a subject for hours analyzing every detail. He's a wham, bam thank you ma'am kind of discusser. Sometimes leaves me feeling a lack of closure. If this happens though I try and bring it up later and address whatever it is I feel like I'm missing.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship?
I hate confrontation so I am glad we aren't big fighters. Big heated discussions are not healthy for me- I would obsess over them for months afterwards.
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
Mostly talking calmly. At first he withdraws and I bicker but when it comes time to get it out we are usually pretty good at keeping our heads.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues.
Not very often. If it's some small annoyance that's brewing, we both kinda sense it and back off. We might have a big fight over something only 2-3 times a year.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue?
I guess most of it is relatively minor. It only becomes a big deal if stuff starts piling up and one of us decides it's time to take a stand. I think the last fight we had where DH was actually yelling was when I kept harping on him to stop wearing socks with sandals to work (!!!). He wouldn't. Now it doesn't matter because he doesn't have a job where he can get away with that anyway.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house?
Usually we can talk it out. I usually need some time to withdraw and think before really stating my mind on an issue, so it takes some time and it's kind of a slow-burning thing, but we try to resolve it as soon as possible.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues?
Most of the time, yes. But in some situations, DH gets really defensive or takes and will start "fighting to win" instead of looking for a resolution to the issue. When he does that, I end up just shutting down and trying to end the fight, because he will start dragging out unrelated or hypothetical arguments he can use to "win." I had to deal with a lot of arguments in my family growing up and learned to fight fair for the most part, but I wish DH could learn that, too.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship?
I don't really like conflict and we don't fight much, so I think I'm good with that. However, I do think some heated discussions are good and add some excitement -- we can get pretty animated talking about things that we don't take personally, like news or political things or whatever.
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
For the most part it's talking. DH accuses me of "yelling" at him about things, but I never raise my voice -- he uses that term for anything that's said directly to him about something he's taking personally.
As I said, I tend to need to withdraw and think, so it's almost never a big blowout fight.
This is really interesting to read.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues.
I'd say we have a small disagreement 1-3 times a week. Not really a fight though.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue? Usually minor things, it's rare we have big fights now.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house? One of us says sorry first, then the other. We talk about what we fought about and figure out a solution.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues? Yes.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship? I think it works for us.
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
We usually yell, then say things we think but never say( the mean stuff), go silent and then say sorry. Sometimes( during big fights) I cry.
Good idea for a poll - it's interesting to see how other couples interact w/ each other.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues.
Minor stuff (usually started by a mean tone of voice, not a real argument) one or two times a week. Big fights, once every few months.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue? Most of it's minor, and fights (big or smal) are nearly always caused over a misunderstanding or a bad attitude - DH and I aren't always as concious as we should be of how tone of voice and word choice can affect the other person, or we let stresses from work come home with us, which inevitably leads to some hurt feelsings. As for if it becomes a blow-out or not, it's all about how quickly we catch ourselves being inconsiderate (and if the other person's in a foul mood, too)
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house? If it's minor, usually the aggressor either comes to their senses and apologizes, or the other person tries to calmly explain why something that just happened wasn't right. If it's a bigger argument, we usually raise our voices, separate to think it over for a bit (20 minutes?) until one or the other is either ready to admit they were wrong, or to talk about what the issue is, if it needs discussion. The discussion that follows is always very, very calm.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues? For the most part, yes. DH's and my big fights have grown more and more infrequent, which is good. When we were dating, we were very much a fireworks kind of couple - that is, when we fought, we really let each other have (yelling). Since then, we've learned to, as our pastor once said, fight "lovingly," and keeping that in mind has helps bring things into perspective.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship? DH and I are both passionate people with very definite opinions. Fights are bound to happen, and our competitive sides love it. That said, I think we're also both fairly good communicators. So long as we're still able to talk it out every time like we do now, I'm good with how often we fight.
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
It usually starts out as snark or a mean tone of voice. If it escalates, we yell. From there, we separate to think it over, then come back and discuss calmly. The cool down is key - nothing positive gets accomplished when you're amped up and yelling at each other.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse.
Rarely. Once every 6-12 months?
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue?
When we fight it's usually over an expectation one of us has and fails to communicate with the other. Like, he expects it's ok to stop by Academy on his way home from work to take a quick look at knives, and I expect that he'll be home as soon as possible to relieve me from mother-duty. Communication.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house?
We try to deliberately ask the other what they're expecting from the day/week/whatever. Make ourselves communicate.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues?
Yes.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship?
I am glad we don't fight more. You can have a passionate discussion and even disagreement without fighting.
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
He tends to withdraw and then wants to talk later, after he's sorted out his thoughts. I want to talk right away, before I let my imagination make things worse. So I try to sort out my thoughts while he's taking some time, and he tries to talk as soon as he can.
We NEVER yell, call names, or talk to each other in a way that is disrespectful. We talk, sometimes cry. We try to argue our side in a way that still communicates how much we love each other.
1. How often do you "fight" with your spouse. This can mean getting a little heated about something dumb to outright yelling, screaming, serious fighting about major issues.
We really don't fight. We do have arguments every once in a while - maybe every few months or so. Although lately its been more often because I've been under a lot of stress.
2. Is most of your conflict over major issues or minor stuff that you just end up making into an issue?
Usually our conflicts are over minor things.
3. How do you resolve conflict in your house?
DH just lets things go - I on the other hand continue thinking about it for a while, but we usually come to some sort of agreement or agree to disagree.
4. Are you satisfied with the way you and your spouse resolve your issues?
Not really - DH isn't much of a talker and I don't like fighting so I think many things that need to be said or addressed go unsaid.
5. Do you wish you fought less (or more?) or do you feel like a good, heated discussion sometimes is good in a relationship?
I'm glad we don't fight much, although I wish we were better about letting each other know how we are feeling about things and what's going on.
ETA: 6. Der....How do you fight? Do you yell, withdraw, cry, talk calmly, etc?
We usually talk calmly - neither one of us really yell - I think that's only happend once or twice in the last 5 1/2 years. I usually withdraw and cry though.