Hawaii Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
family feuds...
(or fueds?)
What do you do when YH is fighting with his parents? Do you generally stay out of it, or intervene? Basically the disagreement is over their bailing everytime they say they are coming to visit us (with some pretty lame excuses), even now that we have the baby. I am sad that they aren't coming down as well, but MH seems to take particular offense to it and now they aren't speaking. I'd hate to see this go on and have the LO not have a relationship to his grandparents (then again, maybe it will resolve itself shortly?).
Thoughts?
Re: family feuds...
I try to stay out of it.
MH always gets mad at his parents because they live 3 hours away and never see their grandchildren play basketball or hockey (the kids' sports of choice). I personally think he's fighting a losing battle. So I listen to him vent, but I will NOT get involved. His his battle to fight, if that's what he chooses to do.
Whenever we have issues with our respective families, we decide together how we're going to handle it (since it'll inevitably affect the both of us and, soon, our child). Then we'll take it up individually with our families -- he with his, and me with mine. Sorry to hear the ILs are acting so disappointingly...
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
I stay out of it. My MIL lives a mile from us and she sees DS maybe once a month? And that's if we go to her house. It really upsets MH but if I ever put in my 2 cents, he just gets more upset. My mom lives 5+ hours a way and she spends significantly more time with DS than my MIL. He also knows who she is and does not know who my MIL is (which is really sad...he knows a lot of other people).
I'm sure your husband is really hurt. Hopefully it will work itself out. Honestly, some people are not that into babies...maybe they will be better grandparents when he gets a little older/more interactive/STTN, etc. That's our hope in our situation, at least (even though DS is a walking, talking toddler).
I stay out of it, although nothing (yet) has had family implications. Although, maybe I should care a little more b/c I know that sometimes I get blamed for their disagreements. (ex: if we go on vacation instead of going to visit them - regardless of the fact that MH is part of the decision - I think I get blamed for keeping him away from them).
We live so far away from his family that all of the fights have to happen over phone/text/email and I don't have much communication with his family in the first place so I would really have to go out of my way to get involved.
As for my family, we haven't had any fights but I do have an estranged relationship with my real dad (got worse after I didn't invite him to our wedding). MH knows the history but obviously wasn't around when my dad pretty much decided not to be involved with my life (about 15 years ago). Coincidentally he popped back up right as DH and I started dating. I think MH would like to get involved in this and does advocate for at least some type of relationship with my dad (especially now that we are having a baby) and that frustrates me because I really think it should be up to me and me alone - but I am coming around to his point of view but it's a sticky topic for sure.
This is what we do, too. We certainly discuss the issue, but we deal individually with our own families. Unfortunately, Ben's family seems to have more of the problems so he has to do more of the dirty work...but that's the way the cookie crumbles, you know?
I'm sorry his family is being like this. One of Ben's sisters is the flakiest person I know (I posted over Christmas about how she made a big song and dance about coming to visit us one day, then didn't show or even call, and then when he asked her why not she basically said she didn't feel like it). It kills me to see her disappoint him over and over, but there's nothing I can really do about it, you know?
My DH rarely feuds with his family...that said he is disappointed by them time and again and generally disagrees with the way they go about certain things(healthcare, money, etc.).
I usually just hear him out, try to understand his point of view and maybe play devils advocate (although I generally agree with him 99% of the time) and let him know not to take it personally. I also encourage him to address the issue if it's really bothering him and he usually does...whether or not it actually changes is not that important, I just want him to express himself so he's not harboring resentments, etc.
Thankfully he and I agree 99% of the time about the issues in either of our families, so we're a united front. We are having some problems with his mom and step-dad when it comes to wanting to see us and soon, the baby. They live 90 miles southeast from us (this is the closest major city to where they live, which is why we moved here...to be closer to them). They are retired and basically sit around the house all day, everyday. Granted each of them does have some health issues that make them feel less mobile, but they can drive and do drive when it comes to things they want to do. That said, in the 18 months we've been here his mom has visited ONCE (DH went an got her, brought her here for a long weekend and drove her home) and his stepdad followed us home on Thanksgiving to pick-up a scooter that DH no longer wanted. He came, chatted 5 minutes, got the scooter and was back on the road home.
So the ONLY time we see them is when we go there. Which is about 1x month for DH and 1x every quarter for me (since I only have weekends off and DH rarely does, it's not very often that we're both off together and can drive out there). They are welcome to come see us anytime and have chosen not to do so. Now that the baby is almost here they expect us to find/make more time to get out to see them. WTF? I have already told DH if he wants to drive out there mid-week, each week to see them (and bring the baby) that's fine by me, but I really don't see how we can meet their expectations. They basically need to decide how badly they want to see the baby and then get in their car and drive out here. 'Nuff said. DH agrees.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
this. I would never feel comfortable approaching MH's parents about a conflict (I hate conflict in general already), even though I have a good relationship with them and I know MH feels the same way about my parents.
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
It's just really weird because MH is SO close to his family! They usually talk everyday, often multiple times/day! To have them not talking is really uncomfortable to me, plus I know he is hurt, and he keeps talking about it (which I guess is good - better than bottling it up inside). I just feel bad for him
The ILs used to come visit a lot, but it has tapered off over the years - and since FIL just retired and now that the baby is here, we thought they'd be excited to come now. MIL even cried when we left from the Christmas visit. It is disappointing.
We're really close to both our families. When a disagreement or argument does arise, though, we tend to just support the other and listen to them vent. Same as lola & lisa, we discuss things together and let each person deal with their own respective parents. We usually don't get involved unless the 'rents try to involve us.
Luckily we haven't had any situations where both parties feel the need to stop talking to each other. In that situation, I'd like to think that one of us can eventually be level-headed enough to convince the other to somehow get past it (barring that it isn't something major). I would let it go for now and try to stay out of it. Maybe it'll resolve itself on it's own. But if it goes on too long, maybe you can talk to your husband about it for the sake of your LO...