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Fuming! WWYD? (Long)
So I'm in a friend's wedding this year. Would I call her a close friend? No. I truly feel she asked me because she wanted even numbers. She came to my wedding and my shower. She did not attend my bachelorette party.
Fast forward, two months after my wedding, she got engaged and asked me to be in the bridal party. Now - wouldn't you think that if you asked a good friend to be in your wedding, you'd make an extra effort beyond the normal call of duty to attend their functions?
We bought a house and she didn't come to our housewarming party - for no good reason! She even tried to plan a jewelry party for that night, but no one ended up being interested so it got canceled. She also planned a surprise party for her FI's new job and expected us to come - yet wouldn't even stop by our housewarming party.
Now she's making big demands for her bachelorette. I just saw she posted a hotel she wants to stay at on her MOH's page - it's $350 a night!! I told the rest of the bridal party straight up that $150 is my limit for the ENTIRE shindig. Period. She wants to stay overnight at a fancy hotel, go to the spa, out to lunch, dinner, drinks, etc. for the whole party. Crazy, considering she didn't even go to mine!
On top of this all, she ONLY talks to me when it's wedding related. She texted me to tell me when the bridal shower is. She will ONLY talk about the wedding to me, or gossip about other people's wedding. I can't remember the last time she actually asked how I was.
Am I wrong for setting a limit for what I want to spend even though I am in a BP? Should I continue to stick to my guns? Should I drop the Bitter Betty act although I REALLY think it's incredibly shitty how she has been acting toward me? She isn't the first person to ever get married! GOD!
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Re: Fuming! WWYD? (Long)
i'm going through a similar situation right now except this is a very close friend of mine, we've been friends since we were 14. i'm 28. except, since she got engaged, we've hardly spoken. i'm in the wedding party. she did email me once, awhile back, complaining about her MOH not doing a very good job of anything.
i live in louisville. they are going to miami for the bachelorette party. flights are $360. she wants to stay at the shore club. which is about $300/person for three nights. So....$660 before I even land. I'm not going.
You cannot go broke because a friend is getting married. You have a right to politely decline. I understand you are angry and believe me - i totally get it. But, you don't want to get in a fight or burn any bridges (at least I don't think you do...if you don't care, then just tell her she's being an unreasonable ***. just kidding. sort of.)....so I would suck it up, do what you can, but don't strain/stretch yourself financially. In my situation, we still have to host the shower, and I agreed to take care of the invitations and dessert (for 60 people) and we are splitting the cost of the catering and each bringing 4 bottles of wine. Enough expense, in my opinion.
Can you compromise and maybe do the lunch/dinner/drinks but not the spa or spending the night (assuming its local)?
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Everything Zee said.
i think i would tell the bride about my spending limits, and tell her that you'd love to be part of her special events but only have x amount to spend, and just leave the ball in her court ? If she really wants you there, she'll offer to help cover your costs, or try to alter the event so that you can participate.
If she's a douche, then she'll just leave you out of the events (which will at least save you money), or she'll imply that you drop out of the bridal party. In which case I would drop out, and not go to the wedding at all.
Cdobs, you know I love you, so don't take this the wrong way...why'd you even agree to be in the wedding to begin with? I mean, you said yourself you thought it was because she wanted even numbers. Did you not see this coming? Is she just blinded by being "BRIDE" and is a relatively normal human being otherwise?
Regardless of those answers, the situation still sucks. Here's my take on it:
Whomever is "hosting/planning" the event needs to be prepared to cover the full costs. Bottom line. If they expect equal contribution from everyone, they need to plan it as a group within a set limit. If they want to plan what they want to plan, the most they can do is ASK others to contribute. You should be totally within your right to say "I would be happy to contribute $xx towards the party/shower."
Basically, if there's not equal planning say, there shouldn't be an expectation of equal money. Will most people ante up their share? Sure. But again, if you're the one planning it (be it Bride, MOH, family member, friend, dentist, whatever) you should be prepared to cover the cost yourself. That's my $0.02 about weddings and parties in general, though.
I also agree with Zee that this may be the perfect time to say "You know what, I may not be able to devote as much time and money as you're expecting/wanting from your bridesmaids. Perhaps it is best if I just attend as a guest instead."
I would just not be in the bridal party. Simple.
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