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Perspective/Opinions/Thoughts Needed
I'll try and keep this brief (not my strong point). Most of you know that the first few months after Marino's birth were traumatic. We both almost died before and after his birth. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks, he was in the NICU 4 weeks and then in the PICU for 2 weeks. There is no good reason why we are both alive and well, but its a true blessing.
I've always felt some sense of loss over my birth experience. Not only did giving birth suck (since I was dying and all) but I didn't get to see or hold Marino until he was 4 days old and didn't get to hold/touch him without gloves until he was 2 weeks old. I was basically in a morphine and then percocet induced haze until he came home, then I was terrified that he was going to die all the time.
All this time I've been hoping for a 2nd chance at this. I want another baby with a better outcome (even if better means the simple experience of holding my baby after he is delivered). I want to be able to enjoy a newborn for being a newborn. However, my MFM (maternal/fetal medicine specialist aka perinatologist) gave me his brutally honest opinion this is a bad idea (I do appreciate the honesty). The chance of me develoing HELLP Syndrome again is 30-40%, based on Marino's gestational age at birth. But he essentially said the risk to my own life is significant, since I went into DIC (for you non-medical ladies, it basically means that your platelets all go fight some random war somewhere in your body so your blood doesn't clot where it needs to). I was lucky to just end up with an abdominal sheath hematoma and pockets of fluid throughout my abdomen, as opposed to bleeding to death (I did require a large transfusion). Also, b/c of my recurring c.diff (I contracted this after Marino's birth...they gave my antibiotics b/c my incision was oozing...this was caused by DIC but they initially thought it was an infection), I have an additional risk of having a premature baby (c.diff caused dehydration, which can cause pre-term labor). I've had c.diff 4 times in the past 18 months and my doctors think I will continue getting it anytime my immune system is weakened (the bacteria can stay in your colon even if its not causing symptoms).
In a nutshell, the MFM said I will never be as healthy again as I was then and I may not have as favorable of an outcome. His official recommendation was that I look into surrogacy or adoption. Neither of those are an option for us (I will spare you the details).
The question I need help with is this: how do I move on? I am so bitter! Everytime I hear about a 2nd (or subsequent) pregnancy, I feel jealous, angry, etc. I know I am so blessed to be alive and have a perfect son, but I am mad that I don't get to choose to have more children when most people do. I know I am being a baby, but it's unfair and I'm mad. I seriously cannot bring myself to even talk to the people who are having their 2nd (or 3rd) child that announced this since I found out I can't have another. I am just a miserable witch!
If anyone has some perspective for me or opinions (even if its to get over it), I welcome them. I haven't really said this to anyone IRL (except my husband, who totally does not get it).
Re: Perspective/Opinions/Thoughts Needed
I've been told that the possibilty of me having 1 child is "highly unlikely". I have always thought I would have children but at this point in time it seems that would be a difficult if not impossible outcome. Also my husband is 53 and I'm 33....20 year age gap and he had a child from a previous marriage. And as with most older men he has low testosterome, which makes it even more difficult. So he's perfectly ok with not having children. I battle ever day with the thought of not really knowing if I can or can not have a child. I have started charting with the hope that maybe I was meant to be a mother and I will get everything that I have always wanted, it happens everyday right? But also in the back of my mind I have come to terms with the reality that I may not be able to get pregnant.
I do understand how you feel and I hope that you will be able to come to terms with your reality of not being able to carry another child. But then again Dr's have been wrong before and we woman have been able to amaze them with the challenges that we overcome. I wish you the best on your journey to overcome this obstacle and in the mean time you have a precious little boy that you share a deep deep bond with....you both overcame death and are alive:)
Take Care
and happiness to your family
Sarah, I get it. I've lost 2 babies (not something I advertise obviously) and it HURTS to hear about other people getting pregnant and having kids. My husband has had a vasectomy, so in order to have a family we'd either have to have it reversed (to the tune of $7K) or go the IVF (even more expensive). My heart hurts for you reading this, which is why I'm sharing such an insanely personal thing here, but know that you aren't alone in being bitter over this. I wish I knew how to tell you to get over it. Frankly I wish I could get over it.
Know this though - you have a beautiful boy who loves you unconditionally. You are so fortunate to have ONE. Embrace your son and his love for you and always remind yourself how fortunate you both are to be alive. Some people in the world would love to be able to just have the one child, let alone more.
((hugs))
I totally agree w/ this. My heart hurt for you when I read your post and I was carefully thinking of my response to you. I was wondering if it was a possibility for you to have a second opinion. I'm not sure if you have already. I think it would be hard for me to accept and settle in my heart w/o the confirmation of a second opinion.
Thank you so much for sharing this and for giving me some needed perspective. I will share that a good friend of mine was in your same situation (same ages of her and her husband). Her DH had low motility and she only had one working ovary. They told her that the chance of her conceiving on her own was about 5% (she could not afford IVH). She and her husband gave up and about 6 months later she got pregnant on her own (this was about 18 months after they started trying). She had a healthy baby in June.
BTW - why is it that men are so indifferent on this topic? MH has always said "whatever you want" in response to how many children we will have...he genuinely seems to not care one way or another.
I hope that you are able to have a child. Lots of luck to you!
Oh my goodness, poor you! First off, you are NOT a miserable witch! You're grieving, and your feelings are perfectly normal. It's okay to be bitter while you work through it. I think we've all had a little Miserable Witch in us at some point!
As far as moving on, there's no magic cure that will make you feel great about everything, but grieving will help you. Time will help you. Marino will certainly help you!
If anything, it sounds like this hardship has already helped you realize how fortunate you are to have your son. So many children in this world are neglected or taken for granted. Marino will never have to feel that way, because he has a mom who truly loves and treasures him. I think there's something very special about that.
I'm so sorry, Amy. I had no idea you went through that. Thank you so much for sharing.
I do know I am so incredibly blessed to have Marino and I really take nothing for granted with him. Not a day goes by where I don't remember how lucky I am to have him and for him to be as healthy as he is. The MFM actually said the same thing to me...that many women would love to have gotten the chance to be pregnant and gotten a baby out of it.
It just seems unfair that my options are taken from me, as I'm sure you can relate. Its awful to have to make family planning decisions based on money and medical procedures, rather than just what is right for your family.
You should be able to relate to this...the final nail in the coffin for my bitterness is that my SS's mother (who is unemployed so we have to pay craploads of $ to her everymonth) is pg with her 3rd child (3rd father). I don't think I talked to anyone for 2 days after I found out I was so bitter!!
I hope you are able to come to peace with your situation, Amy. Thank you so much for being so open.
Thank you for your insight as well
I am still "young" so to speak 
and my sister had her first child at the age of 35. I know that it won't be overnight and I am taking charting with a grain of salt. If it shows that I'm ovulating properly then hooray:) I have thyroid issues and PCOS. In fact I will be taking my thyroid out next month. But my Dr. reassures me that it is possible with medication to help regulate me. I have hope that everything will work out. It's funny how it usually does 
It always nice to hear someone elses perspective and to be able to talk about your trials and tirbulations with other woman:) And yes it frustrates me to that MH is okay one way or the other 
but at the same time its reassuring that no matter what he loves me and will be happy no matter what....as long as he has me to walk beside him, he's happy. There's no pressure except for the pressure we place upon ourselves.
This is my 2nd opinion. My first opinion was that of my regular ob who said "it will be fine, have another whenever you're ready" like it was no big deal. The obs in that practice made a few mistakes in my case, which, admittedly, was very unusual and a series of really rare and unfortunate circumstances. But the MFM told me that a) Marino's placenta was almost completely deteriorated when they got him out and the ob had obviously overlooked a cord blood flow issue in my last ultrasound (which took place 36 hours before he was born and they told me he was fine) b) I should have been sent to the MFM to be monitored more closely after that u/s b/c he was too small for his gestational age and c) the reason I have c.diff is b/c the ob mistakenly gave me antibiotics b/c they gave me a wrong diagnosis about the reason for the issue with my incision (which could have killed me). So, I don't really have a lot of faith in my ob's opinion that it is fine to have another baby.
Honestly, when the MFM told me all this, it made a lot of sense to me. My gut feeling has always been that it was really risky. I had hoped that he would tell me he could do something to keep me safe, since HELLP is sometimes caused by clotting disorders. But in my case, the remedy for clotting disorders is not a possibility, since my history of DIC makes it impossible to use a blood thinner.
He actually said "if you were my wife, I would not recommend it. It wouldn't be worth it to risk the life of someone I know and love for the possibility of a baby I don't know yet." When he said that, it all made sense to me. I hate it, but I know that the most important thing in the world to me is to be alive and to take care of my son as long as I can.
Sorry, I don't know how to put 2 quotes in one post.
Thank you SO much ladies for sharing your personal stories about having TTTC/having children! I have kept silent about it on this board because I am so happy for everyone on this board who is pg and I love babies and hearing all about everyone's pg and subsequent lives w/ their LOs. I don't ever want anyone feeling uncomfortable or bad posting about it because of me.
We have had our challenges and yes, it does hurt at times to hear about and see everyone else getting pg. But for me, thankfully, the pain doesn't last too long. It comes and goes and I really have my faith in God to thank for that.
I was also going to say that it would be such a blessing to have one child, but I understand that your feeling of having only one must be similar to what it must feel to desire having one at all. I think the emotions involved must be the same. I understand feeling that it's unfair and why is this happening/why did this happen to me.
Just know that you are not alone and we are here to support and encourage you. (((Hugs)))
I kinda know where you are coming from with the whole bitterness thing. As most of you know we were not able to pregnant on our own and had to resort to IVF and for months I was a very moody and evil person so as MH says. Any time someone got pg or had a baby it would start over with the greiving process. I just couldn't grasp why my step kids 16yo step sister could get pg and we couldn't. It just wasn't fair getting pg is supposed to be easy or so they preach in school and here we are having to decide if it is worth spending 15k to have a baby or to try to forget about it and try to live a normal life. We had many talks about this and since we were only trying for 1 anyways MH said that he didn't think I would ever be able to move on w/o a baby so we sucked it up and went into major debt just on the chance to get pg.
My heart really breaks for you b/c I know that feeling and it really sucks and YH does not get where you are coming from doesn't make it easier either. I hope you will be able to move on with the wonderful life that you have been given a second chance with.
Oh and I second others opinions get a 2nd, 3rd or 4th opinion if needed. GL
This. You already know how lucky you and Marino are to have each other. You also seem to trust your MFM's opinion, and that is very important. I can't offer any advice but just hope for the best for you and your family.
What a beautiful thing to say! Thank you so much!
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think your feelings are completely natural - you are grieving!! Just like anything else, I'm not sure it entirely goes away, but hopefully it will get better.
I'm not completely sure what all the medical terms mean, but maybe it would be worth it to talk to your doctor and see if you could reassess the situation "x" number of years from now? Medical technology advances and new research is always being completed in addition to a human body's ability to do amazing things so it wouldn't hurt to leave the ending open somewhat and just re-evaluate it in the future.
I had hormonal problems, which obviously lead to fertility problems and MH was less than as involved as I would like him to be. He mostly just felt out of his element and wants to "fix" things and knew he couldn't read an instruction manual and fix it so he kind of shut it down. It's hard, but I'm sure your husband (like mine) means nothing by his indifference, in fact he could be grieving too, if anything grieving for how hurt you are, but he probably just doesn't know how to show it.
:hugs:
(((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to say, really, but I can understand your frustration. We're not totally sure we're going to have a second child, but if I knew I couldn't or shouldn't have one, I'm sure I would feel the same way you do. It sucks to know that your choice is kind of taken from you.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
Mrs. Kaesha
Thank you so much for pointing that out 
This is so true, life is not as easy as it may seem to be, TTC, pregnancy and motherhood all have their difficulties and dangers. Centuries ago women were left to fend for yourselves. So glad that we have this sounding board to have different perceptions and opinions to help us all process a little better.
Oh my, can I EVER relate to this!!! Both points strike so incredibly close to home. In particular the step-children's mother......oh boy I bet we could share some stories.
You've gotten some great feedback, advice and words of encouragement. It isn't easy, and frankly, when you want a child so badly and can't have one, I'm not sure that anything can lessen that pain. I have to believe that time heals. I did see a therapist for a bit and it helped take the 'edge' off of the anger and bitterness, maybe that's something to look into?
I agree that it's very idealized...it wasn't anything like what I had imagined it to be...and though I was very happy to be holding my baby girl after a very length and arduous labor & delivery, I was sooooo exhausted, I was shaking uncontrollably from the ordeal, and I was so cold it was hard for me to focus on my baby vs how I was feeling. Don't get me wrong, all I could think about was how tiny and perfect she was, how she was mine, and how I loved her, but I was feeling a sense of relief more than anything else.
It isn't this magic, warm and fuzzy feeling for every mother out there the instant they hold their baby like it is on TV or in the movies. I had a friend warn me about this ahead of time....b/c at first she felt guilty for not getting "that feeling" when she was first handed her baby (and she had a "normal" vaginal birth, unmedicated). she said that of course she loved him, but her love for him has grown leaps and bounds since then, as they've bonded during the first few weeks and she feels like she did not get "that feeling" until after she had spent more time w/her baby. everyone's experience is different and I am sorry you went through such a traumatic birth experience, but I would not be too sad about having a different birth experience.
as far as having another baby is concerned, I am sorry that the risk my be too high for you to have another. i would definitely get a 3rd opinion, from another perinatologist. i am not the kind of person that would sue someone else or who normally encourages others to do so, but in this case, if it was a very egregious error on your ob's part, and it's just finances keeping you from adoption, would you consider litigation just to cover the cost of an adoption? I can understand the thought of not being able to have more children being very hard... I wasn't sure if we were going to be able to conceive in the first place (but am so thankful we didn't have serious issues to overcome). if you are looking for some perspective/thoughts from other women who understand what it feels like to be blessed with one child but who are unable to have additional children, consider posting on the bump "success after IF" board - there are many there who, for either biological or financial reasons (can't afford IVF again) cannot have more than one child. the women on that board are great and I am sure that they would be happy to talk to you about it and help you get past the sadness so you can move forward.
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
I agree. I am so sorry that you hurt so much from this. It broke my heart to read this, but do know you do have one amazing little boy who you almost gave your life to have. I would see about getting a second opinion.
Malia & Dave & Alexa
Happily married since 2-17-08! Three since 9-9-09!
Baby Blog
I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain. I agree that pregnancy and birthing have become so idealized. We had some pregnancy challenges in the past and I was definitely feeling sad/mad/frustrated about my situation and really had a hard time hearing some people's naive/easy/non-challant baby stories. Even with a baby on the way now, I still feel residual emotions about that. And maybe I always will...
I second those who recommend looking into therapy (your medical insurance may even cover it) or finding a community, online and in real life, that understands your experience. Nothing helps as much as forging a community with others who can intimately relate. Best of luck to you and your family!
Aww Sara, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling down. I honestly don't have any words for you, other than it's okay to feel the way you do and that you're not a witch by any means! I clearly remember everything both you and Marino went through after his birth, and honestly, I don't know how I would have coped with everything you did. You deserve a lot more credit than what you're giving yourself. Keeping in mind the fight you guys endured, it's always great to see you on FB or to check your blog and see how much little Marino is thriving! You're a great Mama, and he is so lucky to have you.
I also didn't realize how many girls on this board have suffered a loss or struggle with TTC, and for that, my heart goes out to all of you.
Sara, I hope everything works out for you the way you wish. Hugs to you!