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BF doesn't seem passionate about sex...
I've been a lurker here for a while now and have enjoyed reading these boards. I hope everyone will excuse me for making this my first post, I just don't know what to do with this situation.
My bf and I have been together over 3 years, and living together for a little more than a year now. He's a great guy and very loving/affectionate, but I don't feel like he's sexually attracted to me or passionate about me anymore (despite his claims to the contrary when I've brought it up to him.) We generally have sex 1-2 times a week, almost always initiated by me, but also usually unsatisfying for me. I always make sure he gets his, but I almost never get mine unless I take care of myself while he does his thing... he sometimes tries to pleasure me briefly but never really seems into it and will usually lose his erection while doing so, which is a huge turnoff for me.
I feel like I'm putting a lot of effort into making things exciting for him and fulfilling his fantasies, without seeing much effort back from him. We've talked about it many times and he always promises to try to harder, but things basically remain the same. He does sometimes say "hey, wanna have sex?" jokingly out of the blue, which I don't consider a serious attempt at initiating. He seems to get more into sex after I warm him up a bit, but sometimes before that point he will start talking about something unrelated, or make weird comments that I find offputting. For example, today when he came home from work, I greeted him at the door with a blowjob and then started rubbing against him, at which point he said "Seems like good exercise for you" which pretty much stopped me cold.
Do I have a valid concern here, or am I being too hard on him? Any advice would be appreciated. I feel especially clueless as he is the first guy I've been with (I've only dated women in the past) and I've always heard so much about how guys are all sex fiends.
Apologies for the long post, I just really don't know what to do...
Re: BF doesn't seem passionate about sex...
There could be many reasons why he doesnt initiate sex. Is he stressed? tired? on any meds that could lower his sex drive? Also think about when you had a good sex life together. What was different then?
As far as oral sex/foreplay goes, a lot of men can be self concious about it. They feel like they may not know what they are doing and if he's not getting a reaction from you maybe he feels like he's failing? Try giving him direction or asking him what could make it more pleasurable for him. Flavored pleasure creams perhaps?
Btw, I know exactly how you feel! I almost always initiate sex and recently told my husband that I had a problem with it and that if he didnt initiate i wouldnt either. lol. Idk if that works all the time but it worked for us!
As far as your bf being your first, my husband is also my first male partner. I read lots of books and cosmo for tips and tricks because I felt so clueless! haha. good luck!
off subject but ygmojica- I LOVE you simpson pic!! LOVE IT lol
It's been going on pretty much for as long as we've been living together (~1 year). Before that we were in a LDR and only really saw each other on weekends, so it's not really a good comparison. He's not on any medications, and I guess it's possible that he's tired/stressed, but even during his summer vacation it wasn't really any different.
I have brought it up with him, a lot. He usually says that he IS attracted to me and that he'll make a bigger effort to show it, but nothing really changes. I've also asked what turns him on, etc. but he's not very comfortable expressing himself sexually and emotionally, and always just gives a vague/sweet answer like "you!" So pretty much I've always been trial-and-erroring it, and making note of what he seems to like.
MrsJandy, I think you have a good point about confidence/self-consciousness. I'm concerned that he's feeling pressured and inadequate about sex... I will work on trying to build up his confidence and see if that helps.
You may just have to come to terms with the fact that this is his normal sex drive, and decide if it's something you can live with.
It's totally OK to end a relationship if you two aren't sexually compatible. It can cause a huge rift in a relationship, as you are learning. That's one of the things you learn about while you are dating.
I'm not saying that you should end it, just that it is an option.
Initiation is a big issue with couples, but my feelings is that once the ball is rolling, who is really going to care who gave the first push?
IMHO, the big issue here is his lack of regard towards your pleasure. That is a HUGE red flag for me. Remember, this is how he is now and is likely to be for the rest of his life. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn't care equally about your pleasure?
Sex is the microcosm of the relationship. When someone is selfish in bed, they are likely to be selfish in other areas.
You really make a great point here. My husband and I have only had a few times where he would finish before I did and he always made sure it didnt stay that way. Sex isn't the most important thing but it is very important to be sexually in sync with your parnter. You can also try counseling with a sex therapist. I know of couples that its done wonders for.
I've been living with my husband for 4 years and we've f*$ked 3 times today, (weekends hurray!) so how long you've been together shouldn't matter. He should still be hot for you.
I-2 times a week isn't Great but it's not too bad either, some people go for months...what seems bad is that he doesn't care about your pleasure. Have you said to him, point blank, 'I want you to go down on me until I ***.' and gently push his head down to let him know you are serious? Maybe he just needs a lot of direction and encouragement?
If he really just doesn't care, maybe you need to rethink why you want to be with someone who is that selfish.
My first thought was maybe he's intimidated by the fact that you've always been with girls? Maybe he feels like his skills can't match the previous women you've been with, especially orally. This is just a thought, but if that's part of it that could lead to his lack of self confidence in the bedroom and therefore killing his sex drive.
Also, living together can kill some of the romance. Maybe you forgot to flush the toilet once and now he got grossed out, lol, not saying you did obviously, but it's little things like him seeing you doing your beauty routine things that take away from "the magic" sometimes guys get really turned off by that stuff. Just another thought. Obviously I don't know him at all or you, so this is a total stab in the dark. Just throwing it out there.
PP who said it could just be that he has a lower sex drive right now is probably right also. Was he ever really sexual?
lol thank you I love the statement of the pic..lol