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Mom Rant: She just doesn't get it (LONG)
Okay, I hate to do this, but I just have to get this out of my system and figured you girls might be able to shed some perspective on this for me (hormones may be clouding my judgement)...
As you know, my mom moved in with us last January...almost a year ago to the date. She had been laid off from her 6-figure job in CA and decided to head out here and start a new life. We offered her our guest room and have adjusted to having her and her two chihuahuas here.
She's worked out a way to receive her EDD benefits here and is on COBRA, both have been extended, thank goodness. She's also found part-time work at a local spa (she's a licensed masseuse) and has just started to build up her clientele here. That said, she started in October and got sick with Shingles on Thanksgiving and only worked 2 weeks there in December. Then she went back to CA for the last two weeks in December and the first two weeks of January to visit my brothers, etc. for the holidays. So not on the new job very long at all.
In the meantime there was a lapse in her EDD because of a snafu with turning the paperwork in ontime and now the claim has to be restarted and it will be several weeks before she gets a payment.
Long story short...she's broke. (Mind you, this was often an issue when she was making 6-figures...she doesn't know how to manage money at all). On top of it, her license has been suspended due to an outstanding ticket and expired tags...so she cannot drive right now. To resolve this issue will take about $900, which she obviously doesn't have.
She informs me of all of this while she was away in CA. On top of it she says, "there's a warrant for my arrest because I failed to show up in court." WTF? She was pulled over in OK in November for expired tags and out of state plates...they ran her CA license and it was discovered she had an outstanding speeding ticket from 2007 and CA had suspended her license because of it. So they gave her a fixit ticket and scheduled her for a court date here in OK to resolve it all. She missed her court date because that was the day she came down with Shingles. Then she went to CA for the holidays.
So a series of unfortunate circumstances has now snowballed and has become an added burden on me and J. And she's acting very flippant about it all. We are shuttling her to/fro work and her attitude it like, "so what's the problem?" Hello?!? We're trying to get ready to have a baby. J scheduled to take off two weeks to be at home. When he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid. We PLANNED for this and now, because she's broke and we're floating her (she pays us $300/mo. to cover "rent", utlilities, etc.)...she's eating our groceries (which we budget for), feeding her dogs our dogs kibble (which means we're going through it twice as fast) and costing us gas money since we're chauffering her to/from work which means four roundtrips minimum each day (sometimes more if a client cancels because she doesn't want to sit there for 3-4 hours until the next one shows).
I brought it up today and she's mad that I did. She said she "informed" me of her situation and I should have known how that would impact us. Well duh! I am not stupid. But could she at least acknowledge that it is negatively impacting us and not assume that we know? She said she didn't know she needed to do that...because it's so obvious. WTF? Am I out of line here? I mean I a not going to throw her out on the street and we'll find a way to make this work, but I resent that her BS is now getting on us. As it is, J only works 3-4 shifts/week which means he makes in a month about what I make in a week! That was our agreement...so he could go to school. And he'll be home with the baby so we don't have to pay for daycare until next Fall. So our budget it tight, but we're making it work.
My mom has a way of being a victim of her circumstances and then just kind of has a nonchalant attitude about things. She said,
"I didn't realize that you two were strapped so tight that this would make a big impact upon you." Like it's my fault for cutting back so much that we have no cushion to cover her B.S. She infers that J should be working more shifts...it's really none of her business.
She does suffer from depression and has said that she insulates herself from the stress of all of this by not getting emotional about it. Okay, I get that. But really? She's acting like I shouldn't have an issue with all of this.
So I bring it up and then she's like, "I know I am a burden on you. On all of you kids...your brothers too. Maybe I should just try to get welfare. Or be homeless. I can stop working so I won't need you to drive me to/from work. I didn't intend to lose my job or to have these problems. I am sorry it's a burden on you...it's a burden for me too."
UGH! She went THERE! So she totally didn't get it. I said, "all I need is for you to acknowledge that this is really bad timing and that it's adding stress to our lives." So she did. Like in a "is that good enough to shut you up?" kind of like when you tell a kid they have to say sorry.
So now she's hiding in her room and stomping around when she comes out. So I plan to let it blow over and then address it again when clearer heads are prevailing. I know she already feels like crap about her situation but I needed to express myself about how it's affecting me. Is that wrong? I feel like I just cannot win right now. To top it off, she's been VERY generous with buying us things for our nursery...like almost all of the big ticket items. And for that, I am grateful. But to be honest, I had NO idea she was spending her money on baby things and not socking any away for a rainy day. She said she was getting good tips at work and that she got a refund on her COBRA payments so she could do this. I did question it. And told her appreciate it, but don't expect her to do this for us. She insisted and said it was the least she could do. So I accepted her gifts. But now I regret it. Had she said, "I am buying these baby things but that means I cannot pay rent or buy my groceries, etc." I would have said that's not going to work for us. So now it's done and we cannot go back. And she's basically feeling like I am coming down on her after all she's done to help us get ready for the baby. Like I said, she just doesn't get it.
So am I horrible? Should I have held my tongue? What would you have done? What should I do now? I don't need this crap...I want to just chill and get ready for all that's going to happen next week when I give birth to my baby. One thing I know for sure, I will NEVER put my daughter through the crap my mother has put me through over the years. I love her dearly, but her dysfunction has burned me time and again and it never gets any easier to cope with.
Re: Mom Rant: She just doesn't get it (LONG)
Wow, that totally sucks. But that is not the way you should respond! Take a deep breath. SMILE. You can not control what she does and the circumstances. The only thing you CAN control is how you respond. How you let it affect you.
Stress is not good for you, or the baby. So, as much as that would irk me, it's in your best interest to find a way to let it go. I don't mean let her walk all over you, but accept the fact that despite your planning, not everything goes according to plan!
You will see, when the baby arrives, NOTHING goes according to plan or your schedule! Be adaptable. And don't let this get in the way of your excitement and joy in having a baby!
You will also see... When you become a mother... What it is like to be a mother and it might help you see her in a new light. :-)
Malia & Dave & Alexa
Happily married since 2-17-08! Three since 9-9-09!
Baby Blog
Yikes, sounds like all these bad things really are snowballing for her... and like her actions are defensive. I'm sure she really is sorry for everything going on, and is probably frustrated at the situation, and at herself.
I really can't give any advice on this... but just hope things will get better and easier for all of you. *hugs*
You have a lot going on right now Lori so don't beat yourself up. I am sure your mom feels horrible for having put herself in this situation. Once that precious little girl of yours is in your arms, nothing else will matter.
Oh and the plus side is that your mom will be home to help you cook, clean, etc. while you concentrate on breastfeeding, taking care of yourself and Libby.
Gosh, that's tough.
I think your mom's in a rough spot right now and she is undoubtedly feeling overwhelmed and guilty. I wouldn't try to make her feel any worse, but I think you're right to bring up your concerns and try to work out a solution that empowers her to get her life together and also works for you, DH, and little Libby. I don't know what that situation might be, but I think mom definitely needs to get the legal issues sorted out, continue contributing financially to the household, and make attainable goals (and meet them!) that help her get back in the job market. She might need help with this -- could you talk with her and your siblings about how to access this support (e.g., career counseling, financial counseling, therapy, etc.)? Any costs incurred in the process could be shared by all the kids who can contribute, and mom can work on paying you all back when she's in a better situation.
And you can thank her, again, for buying so much for Libby... and maybe give her a temporary break in rent and what not, but remind her that her greatest gift to her grandchild would be working toward getting her life back in order so that the entire family could thrive and co-exist more peacefully.
Even though we may want to "take care" of our family members, I think it's important to not let them disengage and give up. That doesn't help anyone, and the people who suffer most are those who already sacrifice and give the most (that's you!). My family has a long history of enabling people to shun responsibility (out of "love") and it's done terrible things for those around me. Part of the reason I think I grew up so fast and became so responsible is because I saw the madness going on around me and vowed to do differently.
Sorry that this is piling up on your so close to delivery. But Libby's arrival will bring such great joy, hopefully a lot of this will seem less frustrating then... good luck working out a plan!
Ugh, that's so frustrating. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this right now. Don't feel bad for your reaction to her. It might not help the situation but you hiding your feelings or holding it all in wouldn't help either.
I don't know what else to say but I hope she gets her act together and realizes that you don't need added stress or a guilt trip right now.
Ugh hon, I'm sorry.
I see a lot of my mom's personality in your mom's...because while I love her, she makes me craaaaaazy sometimes! She's the reigning queen of martyrdom and I totally hear her saying something like, "I know I am a burden on you. On all of you kids...your brothers too." *sigh*
And like your mom, she's not good with money (in fact, she and I are politely debating a MAJOR financial decision she's currently considering that would not be a good move). Actually, no one on my mom's side is good with money (in fact, I'd rate most of them as epically bad), which is probably part of the reason I'm such a tightwad and have dedicated a lot of time and effort to becoming financially responsible.
So I do understand where you're coming from with a lot of this - it can be a frustrating personality type at the best of times, and even worse in a situation like you're dealing with right now. I agree with a lot of what lola said - especially these two parts:
I'm sure she's feeling pretty crappy about all of this herself - I don't know if it would help to encourage her to get things back on track. In the meantime, can she take public transport to work and back? I know it's only a small part of the budget issue, but it might help a little. (((hugs)))
Lori I am so so so sorry that you are going through this. I know just what you are going through. I loved my mom more than anything in the whole world but she used to make me CRAZY!!! Like you, it was like I was the parent and she was the irrisponsible child. It was like that for me even from a really early age. She lived with me a few times and I went through some similar things as you. She passed away 9 years ago and although I miss her terribly, sometimes she STILL makes me crazy. Take this week for instance... I need her death certificate by the end of January. AZ is a closed record state so you have to be immediate family member, will executer etc to get it. I've been trying to get it for weeks now and it's one thing after another because she did things ass backwards -like put her name as Louise A on my birth certificate instead of her real name, Alma Louise (because she hated the name Alma). Well it shows that Louise A is my mother not Alma Louise so they won't give me her death certificate
. Now this means that I can not show my work her death certificate and get her removed from her free flight benefits and transfer them to my MIL who lives in Maui -who very much wants to come out every chance she gets to be w/her new grand baby. I grew up never knowing my grandparents or any family besides her and because of my irrisponsible, disorganized mother, my child will only see his grandma (my MIL) a few times a year, at least for the first year. I guess I have a whole year to continue working on it and hopefully next January I'll be able to add her. I have SOOOO many more examples of her doing things that just don't make sense, that cause a lot of un-needed frustration.
It sounds to me like your mom has a good heart but what she is putting you through is not right. Even so, you have already let her know how you're feeling, now it's time to just let it go. You won't change her, you will just drive yourself crazy, and you won't always have your mom Lori so take this time as a blessing, to be with her and enjoy her as well as Libby. This is a time that is all about family. I know it's easier said than done but I PROMISE you that one day you will look back and be glad for this time with her, glad that you helped her, showed compassion, generousity, love and forgiveness.
This is just my opinion of course but I really feel like I've been before right where you are now.
Thank you for your kind and understanding responses ladies, I really, really appreciate it. It helps to know that A) I am not the only one (thank you for relating your specific experiences Jaime, Julie and Lisa) and
I can still love my mom while being upset with her actions (or lack thereof).
DH is going to talk to her today (he's driving her around today), they communicate well, and impress upon her that we're really glad she's here and we want her to know that we'll work with her to get through all of this. Then, when I see her, I will just reiterate that I needed to express myself so I could let it go. My mom is funny because she has no problem telling others what's up but when it happens to her she doesn't handle it that well.
Most of all, I realize that even with all of my mom's quirks and dysfunctions, that she loves me and I love her and I am extremely lucky to have her here with us at this time. As for choices she makes and how she lives her life...all I can do is make sure that I don't fall into that and certainly don't bring that sort of dysfunction into my relationship with my own daughter.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
One question, is she getting treated for her depression? Medication or therapy? The first step for her would be to get treated.
Make sure you don't take on her guilt trips like this:
"I know I am a burden on you. On all of you kids...your brothers too. Maybe I should just try to get welfare. Or be homeless. I can stop working so I won't need you to drive me to/from work."
It almost seems like a codependancy issue, as long as she knows you'll pick up her slack, she'll keep slacking and then make you feel guilty about it. Logically, it would be easy to say, just don't feel guilty, but we're human, and daughters and it just isn't that easy. Think about it, if that was a boyfriend and they kept taking your money and when you called them on it, they were all " oh poor me" about it, you probably wouldn't put up with it. But of course, you can't just "dump" your mom, so it makes it all the more difficult.
I read an article in Psychology Today a few weeks back that you might find interesting, it's not about abusive mothers, it's about difficult mothers, mom's who can sometimes act like children:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200912/mother-damned-est
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
She has in the past. When she moved here she decided she was no longer stressed and she went of her meds. It worked, for a while, at least. I mean she wasn't in bed 20 hours/day and was functioning well. I am not totally convinced that is the case now, but again, she's very defensive if I bring it up, so I don't.
My mom has a long history of depression and drug/alcohol abuse. She has been sober for 23 years but in many ways she still acts like an addict. And honestly I think she has an issue with spending in a way that is like an addiction. It's worse when she's making money (as I said she had a six figure income until December 2008 and still lived paycheck to paycheck). There have been times when she's acknowledged it, but mainly, she's in denial about it. She says, "I have given up so much, this is one of my joys in life and I am not sorry that I like to shop." So, whether it's $5 or $5000 it burns a hole in her pocket. She also compartmentalizes things...i.e..."this paycheck is for bills....these tips are "fun money"...etc." which is fine if it works, but in her case it doesn't. If she owes bills but hasn't been paid, she doesn't use the tip money to take care of the bills, for example, because that's her "fun money." It's insane, really.
She has overcome a lot in her life and considering where should could be, she thinks she's in a pretty good place (I mean she's not homeless, using drugs/alcohol, she raised productive children, etc.) That said, there's still a lot of dysfunction there. She has been in/out of therapy for decades, we've done mother-daughter counseling (in my late teens), and for the most part, I have just come to accept that it is what it is. We are generally very good friends and open in our communication. But I have obviously touched a nerve with her and she's reacting like a child. She wouldn't even talk to me this morning or look at me. J just took her to work and said he would talk with her.
You know, you're right. I have worked hard to break the "dance" that develops between a child of an addict and the addict parent, but obviously it's crept back into our relationship. I don't get the whole, "I don't want to be a burden..." and then doing nothing to actually avoid burdening me or my brothers. It's bizzare. My MIL does the same things (she's also a former addict). Honestly? My mom wants to be taken care of...she feel entitled...she would never say it outright, but her actions do. Since I was 15 she has lost major jobs (all with major money) and been out of work for 12-24 months, then gotten herself together, got a new fabu job, promised to change and then the cycle repeats itself. This cycle has happened at least 4 times in the past 20 years. To me, that is not normal. And now, with this economy, she has overestimated how that would factor into her MO. And she's feeling victimized by it all (which I do understand...many baby boomers are being extra squeezed by the current economic crisis). But what is the plan? J acknowledged that we will most likely be providing for her from now on...I mean, what else is the plan? I am feeling resentful about that. And he's been super cool about it, but c'mon, this is not exactly what he signed up for either. So more conversations will need to be had. We want to buy a home this year and in all honesty, we could try to find a home to accomodate my mom, but I really don't want to. I want to have a home with just me and J and our kids. So then the thought is...do we get her a condo or small place for herself? They are affordable here. But that would prevent us from getting a home for ourselves anytime soon because we cannot manage two mortgages. So frustrating.
Thank youf or the link and for your perspective. I know I am not alone in my issues with my mom. I guess I just didn't expect them to be coming down on me in this way just days before I become a mother myself.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this - especially right now.
I really think Lola and Kshiz have great points - your mom has mental issues that need to be addressed and you can't do that for her. She blocked you out until everything snowballed and she got out of control and now she is relying on you to pick up the pieces and that isn't fair to anyone involved. I know you have come to the conclusion that you will be fairly responsible for helping her out from now on, which is admirable but I don't think it would be helpful until she really wants to help herself. Hopefully she will come around soon. I know it's difficult to deal, especially when mental illness and addiction are involved.
Her legal issues really could have been mitigated - she could have gotten a continuance and sorted everything out when she got the first court date but didn't own up to the responsibility, this really makes me think she needs more than just financial help right now - she has been making on bad decision after another that a rational, stable adult should be able to avoid.
And don't feel bad for not telling her your financial situation, it wasn't any of her business when you were functioning like a roommate situation. Now that she is more dependent on you I think you are going to need to have that talk with her and set some long term goals - how long does she expect to live with you? What type of assistance can you reasonably manage? etc, etc.
Most courts offer payment plans and are really understanding - I'm sure you are going down that route now.
I wanted to respond and say I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine this situation. In our family, the parents do everything imaginable for their kids and expect nothing in return. Its been a challenge for me dealing with DH's family where his mother and other family members have all these expectations (ie: she'll call at 8am on a Saturday morning and expect him to run over there and clean her gutters/mow her lawn/shovel, etc). I can't even imagine there being an expectation to help our parents financially.
Is she planning on helping you with the baby once she arrives? Maybe that help will make the financial stuff seem like less of a burden?
Sorry I have nothing helpful to add...just wanted to say I think you have a right to be upset and you have to figure out a situation that makes you, J and Libby happy.
A lot of what I wanted to say has been said already. I just wanted to stop in and offer some support and hugs. Remember to take things one day at a time and to surrender to the things you can't control. {Hugs}
I just wanted to say that J is one wonderful man! Not only does he put up w/all of this but he's even in a place where him talking to her might be more effective than you. You have a great DH.
Just a thought... would your mom possibly enjoy being a live-in care giver for a disabled or elderly person who does not want to go into a home but needs assistance to continue living on their own? It might be good for her to be needed by someone like she would be in this type of job. It would give you your home back and get her out on her own. Typically I think she would get room & board and a small salary. She could possibly even continue to work where she is now.
It's hard, I know. A person does not need to lock themselves in their bedroom w/ week long crying spells to be depressed. All of what you're describing are behaviors a depressed person exhibits. The "behaviors" alchoholism, spending, poor me stuff, is all just her trying to cope w/ her depression. Alchoholism, a lot of the time developes because of depression, people try to self-medicate. The unfortunate thing about addicts is that they do not realize how they affect those around them. They truly beleive that they are doing nothing wrong. She's not doing any of this intentionally. However, if you provide the only support for her, she will let you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help her out, but it should be contingent on her putting in some effort. You need to live the life that is best for you, j & Libby FIRST! You're mom isn't your child, nor your responsibility. I don't mean that you should turn your back on her, but I do think you need to set boundries. I had to do it with my own mom, I sucked, it was painful, I cried alot, but when I laid down the decison for her to clean up her act, or she would never take care of my daughter, she straightened up pretty quickly.
I'm sure you know that depression & addictions are partially genetic & partially learned. For myself, my big wake up call to take care of my own depressive and anxiety issues was when Ella was born. I can't undo her genetic predisposition to it, BUT I can do everything in my power to make sure I take care of myself, so she doesn't learn any of the behaviors from me. KWIM?
Sorry, I'm rambeling. I tend to get heated about this since it's been a big part of my life too, so I totally get where you're coming from. Anytime you want to talk, you have my contact info.
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)