April 2008 Weddings
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Friend Vent

    I feel like a bad friend but there has to a point that i have to stop bailing my friend out. Here is some background. So my BFF had her 4th child on New Years Eve. She can't not afford the kids she already has. She dropped out of school when we were 16 and so did her husband. She doesn't work and he barely makes 12,000 a year but they thought it was a good idea to keep having kids.

    She calls me consistently and tells me how they don't have money for this and that such as food for the kids so i always feel bad and either give her money or buy her some food. She called me a month or so ago to ask if my parents would lend her 3,000 for her eletric bill. My parents said no (I don't blame them).

    So i got a text from her on Sunday about how her whole world is falling apart and how they just got evcited on Friday and said that she cn't afford baby detergant. I always want to rush and help her but i am fed up.I can't keep coming to her aide every single time she gets into trouble. it is stressing me out.

    I am going through my own problems. Trying to pay off debt and wanting to have a baby and Dave isn't ready. I know she is going through  a lot but it would be nice for her to call to see how i was doing too. I have a tendency to keep things to myself but she knows that i am having a hard time with being ready for a child and Dave not being ready and feeling like we are not on the same page. I just needed to  vent and DrinksBeer if you read all of that.

Re: Friend Vent

  • WOW!!!! I agree you can't keep bailing her out.  Has her husband looked for another job? 
  • It is probably his 10th job. Neither one of then them even has a HS diploma so the job choices are limited.
  • That sucks and it's crappy of her to keep putting you in a bad situation.  Maybe next time you can bail her out by offering to watch the kids while she goes to work.  They need to own up to their responsibilities and take care of their children without bumming money off you and your parents.  Her husband should start by looking for another job or at least getting a 2nd job to bring in some extra income. 

    Stay strong and be as emotionally supportive to her as you can be but I agree that you need her to support you as well.  What good is a friendship that only goes one way?

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • dont feel like a bad friend. i have an aunt who mooched off my parents and grandparents for years.. still tries to mooch off of us and lay the guilt trip about how they're so broke and all that. It has gotten so bad that my grandma is in danger of losing her house bc of this aunt.

    The way i look at it is this.. if she doesn't learn the hard way then she'll never learn at all. If she knows she has someone to fall back on everytime she'll never try to make her life better. my aunt has lived with my grandma for years now and basically pays her nothing, lives off disability and refuses to get a job even though she could have worked most of this time.

    I know you feel bad for the kids and everything but sometimes you just have to let someone fall.

  • I completely understand why you feel like a bad friend, and that you are worried for her and her children, but the reality is you are being a better friend by not helping her.  By continuing to bail her out, you are enabling her to keep making poor choices.  It is unfortunate for her children, but she needs to go through some difficult times to realize she and her husband need to reevaluate things and make some drastic changes.
  • This is going to be blunt, but honestly the best thing you could do for her would be to send her to some job posting sites/newspaper ads and send her some information regarding getting her tube's tied or her H getting snipped. 

    For the most part, our lives are the products of our decisions and we each have to deal with that.  She's no exception.  By continuing to buy her things you're just enabling her behavior.  I know it's hard to cut her off because there are small children involved, but it's not your responsibility to step in all the time.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  

  • Speaking from family experience, it's best to cut off the money-handout pipeline...it will only drag you and your family down too and won't help them or those kids one bit in the long run.

    Let her know you (and your family) aren't a financial/monetary resource anymore. But you are still her friend...and can help with locating foodbanks, or pointing her to emergency financial resources for housing, an ear to listen, occasionally a babysit, or helping her research at home work possibilities, or something. She has to do the work, she has to support her own family...but she still has a friend (just maybe not one to lean on and ask detergent from). good luck! don't feel guilty!

     

     

    Baby Birthday Ticker Tickerimageimage
  • I'm sorry you have to go through this.  It seems to me like at this point she is taking advantage of you.

    If it got to the point that you feel the need to vent, I think you should stop helping her ( which is sounds like you are at that point).

    I know its hard to not help, especially when kids are involved but what are they doing to better themselves to get out of the rut they are in?  There are GED classes out there that are free of charge, or grants even.

    As far as detergent.... she can buy ALL Free, or Tide Free and it will be perfectly fine for the baby.  This is what we do, and even wash Lo's clothes and ours together.

    Good Luck :)

     

     

  • I agree with previous posts. You are NOT being a bad friend by putting your foot down. I think that there is a point when enough is enough. If it were someone who hit a bump once or twice, then I can understand running to help out. However, this situation is different. I think you are actually being a better friend by not running to the rescue.
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