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climax just out of reach
My husband and I are newlyweds though we've been together for three years. Two months ago we had our first and have been trying to get our schedules worked out so that we're not missing time for sex. The problem that I'm having though is one that's been there for some time. He can get me sooooo close to orgasm yet loses the speed or friction and then when I tell him how close I am and that I need just a little more or a little longer he gets tired after three minutes or gets angry and gives up. He's also become a bit of a tease in the sense that he'll get me all worked up and let me believe that we're going to have sex then at the last minute state that he just wants a blow job or hand job and that's the end of all attention on me. I'm starting to wonder if this new attitude he's taken to exciting me stems from him being insecure about getting me to climax. Any suggestions on how I can make him feel better about putting some more effort into sex?
Re: climax just out of reach
This is outright manipulative and geez, maybe even abusive:
He's also become a bit of a tease in the sense that he'll get me all worked up and let me believe that we're going to have sex then at the last minute state that he just wants a blow job or hand job and that's the end of all attention on me.
He's got to stop doing this.
I'd point blank call this to his attention and tell him to stop it immediately.
Ummm, can I assume that when he demands a blow job or hand job that you tell him to go f*ck himself? This is the only reasonable response to such a demand, unless of course he is giving you oral as well.
Clearly your orgasm is optional in his mind. This isn't someone who is interested in sharing a mutually satisfying sex life. This is a person who is insecure and only interested in using your body for masturbatory pleasure. He seriously gets angry over having to last a whole three minutes? What a mess.
Well, if he feels bad about himself for failing to last 3 minutes after you tell him you're close, I see no problem with that. He should feel bad. I don't think you can/need/should do anything to "make him feel better" about putting more effort into sex. He should want to put more effort into sex.
It's a pretty d!ck move to get you worked up, only to ask for a bj and then roll over afterwards and not reciprocate. Ask him how he would feel if you did that to him. Seriously. If can't see why this is a problem, that should tell you something.
Also, if he's getting too "tired" during sex (which I'll assume isn't lasting all too long, no?), he needs to get in shape. The day that I'm too out of shape and too lazy to get in shape for sex is the day that I'll probably ask to put be down out back, Old-Yellar-style.
Obviously, you should talk to him, preferably outside the bedroom so he knows how you feel about all the things you've brought up in this post. Then, see what he does. I hope things get better.
ETA: fixed morning-related grammar issues.
I agree with the PPs that he is being a douche, but it's probably due to lack of experience. He has no clue on how to satisfy a woman sexually. It seems like maybe you need to do some manual stimulation while he is on top or behind. It will help you get to where you need to go. Also doing some foreplay can get you closer before you get started.
Since you are just really starting our with the sex, it is going to take time to really figure out how you can both be satisfied, but you both have to be openminded that this isn't going to happen immediately. He needs to stop being such a big baby first of all and you should try to get yourself to orgasm on your own a few times (this is assuming that you have never maturbated or masturbated to orgasm).
I don't think inexperience is an excuse for this behavior. Even an inexperienced man knows how build-up and Os work. When he makes the decision that all attention for her is over after foreplay, he is intentionally denying her something she wants. This is f*cked up and not due to inexperience.
My first partner was also a virgin and knew waaaaaaaay better than to act in such a sh!tty way. Why? Because he actually cared about me. This guy is a dump-worthy tool.
Whoa....you were seeing him and he was schtupping the rest of these women???
Because of "how good" he waas for them?
I wholly side eye that one and how. Why did you tolerate this mess? I'd have cleared out of there so fast windows would have shaken in Oslo -- and not to mention that this is leaving you -- and the rest of them -- sitting ducks for possible STDs.
69!!
Well, to be honest, I can't really understand how one can have a fatalistic attitude in the bedroom such as the one you're describing here. From what you've said, there doesn't seem to be much evidence that it's impossible for him to please you. You've said it would only take a couple extra minutes. If he's giving up so easily, and he's not in fact uncaring and selfish (I'm still not sold that this is the case...), then he need to pull it together like a grown up and figure out how to make things work. Being all mopey and fatalistic is just childish and embarrassing.
That being said, the fact that he gets you "worked up" and then just asks for a bj without reciprocating is a big red flag. In this case, it doesn't matter if he's fatalistic or not. He's just being selfish.
I obviously can't know exactly how you're aware of how awesome he was in the bedroom with these other girls, but I'm guessing that they didn't tell you. Or maybe they did, I don't know. But if he's bragging about that, as in felt the need to brag about it, that says a lot.
no, he didnt do anything with them, they were just hounding him. it took two years for us to shake them off and convince them they he didn't want to be with them.
it's more that i feel that since he was used to them adoring his ability in bed that he figured that he would be able to do the same to me, yet he's not able to because of emotional issues. he wasn't very close to them but he's incredibly close to me and he thinks that because he actually cares for me that he's afraid to do anything that might mess things up and yet he's accidentally failing by trying to fix things. he's nervous. he really hates it, believe me, he always feels horrid afterwards and isn't sure how to make me feel what he believes i deserve to feel. i intimidate him is a better way to look at it.
if DH did that to me, i'd get him almost there with a bj, stop, and then flick him in the nuts. that's mean and spiteful to stop when you tell him how close you are. if he gets tired he can ask you for some help or to pull out a toy and both of you to get you to orgasm.
some women orgasm easily, others don't. I also fall into the hard to get off catagory. granted alone and by myself it takes me maybe 20 seconds. but sex is different.
some guys really view it as a blow to their ego if they can't get the woman off, but i've never understood that. as bad as this might sound to some, you both may have to get used to the fact that he's going to orgasm more than you. But that he shouldn't stop when you are that close, i mean if it's been like 20 minutes since you have been "that close" i would understand that though. but help a guy out and add your hands to the mix too, you know what you like