November 2008 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Marriage advice.
I saw this thread featured on the nest front page
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/29856595.aspx
pretty interesting
what would be your marriage advice or what would you have liked someone to tell you before you got married?
Re: Marriage advice.
TTC #1 13 cycles, CP 6/09, TTC #2 1 cycle
CDing, EP'd for 13 months for #1, BFing for #2
Pregnancy Hypertension - inductions at 39w, I grow big babies: DD was 9 pounds 1 ounce 22 inches, DS was 11 pounds even 22 inches - both vaginal deliveries
Ditto! Except that I wasn't really ever discouraged from shacking up
. Unless your personal/religious beliefs strongly discourage it, I feel that you should "test drive" a partner before you "buy" him, so to speak.
I agree with living together first. It was not really discouraged by my parents per se, but it wasn't encouraged either. They weren't thrilled about DH and I buying a house together before getting married though....ooo boy that caused some big fights. It was SUCH an adjustment to living with DH for me, I would just have breakdowns over nothing sometimes. I think it was very similar to what's in that book "The Conscious Bride" (I think that was the name?) about it's a transition period and requires you to perceive and accept that.
Anyway, I also agree with learn to pick your battles. Case in point- DH's concept of cleanliness is WAY different than mine. I've reached the point where I'm just thrilled if he cleans after himself at all.
This. M and I lived together for 5 years or so before.
I was against living together unless we were engaged. He wanted to live together before we got married, so that was our compromise... I think mine would have been wanting more advice w the SKIDS. That was tough, but I'm getting used to finding 'me' time and 'us' time (DH and self) vs 'we' time...
I feel darned lucky DH was married before and lived alone before we got together... He knows what killed his last marriage and also is more conscious of things.
Not much else though... maybe $$$ matters?
I agree with living together. For us it was easier, cause we both had lived with someone else before, so the adjustment wasn't "traumatic", so to speak.
Communication is key. You have to be able to talk to your spouse about your feelings and opinions, even if it's scary.
Always say please, thank you, and I love you. It makes such a difference!!
Hubby and I did not live together before we got married and it was SUCH and adjustment afterward but I don't think that would be the advice I would give.
My advice would be to start thinking of "we" rather than "I" as soon as you get engaged because it is so hard to adjust to that. "We" need this usually conquers, "I" need this, and that is hard for someone who had been not married for so long.
First, I would say that the idea of "never go to bed angry" is bs in my opinion. Whoever came up with that idea is an idiot. Sometimes, things need to simmer down and be allowed to dance in your head. Staying up all night angry just leads to delerious fighting and people saying things they dont really mean just to get the fight over with and go to bed. I think more importantly is (as Lore said) communicating. And learning how to do so efffectivley. Not everything works well for everyone else.
Please, thank you, and I love you's are very important so I agree with Lore on that one as well.
My father (crazy I know) gave me the best advice right before the wedding....
"Be slow to wrath, and be swift to forgive. And when you are angry, hold hands. You will be surprised how quickly your anger disappears when you feel the warmth of the one you love."
No matter who you end up marrying, just by marrying them and making them your family you give your spouse the power to ruin your life. Don't marry anybody who you wouldn't trust with your life.
Don't expect all your needs to be met by one person, a.k.a. your husband. You need to have other relationships and interests as well. Sometimes he's not going to want to sit there and have some long drawn-out conversation with you about what your co-worker REALLY meant by that comment, so call your mom or best friend and don't resent him for not being all enthralled in it every time.
Live together first and have sex, obvi.
I cannot agree more. Sometimes, I just have to go to bed and "sleep it off" in the morning every thing is fine again. I imagine if we stayed up all night, I would just be sleep deprived and cranky the next day too.
I agree also with the please and thank you's. I think showing the other person appreciation for all that they do is very important since it can be very easy to start taking each other for gratned.
I agree with pretty much everything else that was said - especially living together. I'm a firm believer in long relationships before getting engaged/married because I think you should be absolute best friends, not just lovers, before committing to a lifetime with that person.
Also, babies don't fix relationships, they only complicate them further if you are having problems and are the ones who get hurt the most if you end up divorcing.
I'm going to have to go against the grain here and say I don't think it's necessary to live together before marriage. I believe communication is the key to all good relationships.
As much as precana classes suck sometimes, I saw a lot of value to the ones we took. They made you talk about issues like family values, wanting to have children, where you are headed with careers. Basic stuff that so many couples over look and can lead to divorce.
Communication is my number one!! (Kim, we were supposed to take precana classes, but weasled out of them -- we already discussed all the things you listed the class makes you discuss. But I do agree that they would be massively useful for many couples bc many do not discuss these things)
I'm with many of you on the live together before marriage. Dh and I moved in together during college for financial reasons. The first year we lived together was terribly difficult and had it been our first year of marriage (where we had no friends and lived in a strange place), it could have caused major problems with us. Though I think this ties in a lot with communication, some things cannot be communicated and just learend from experience -- like DH and my definition of clean is way different.
Appreciate your spouse! I can't count the number of discussions DH and I have had about this. It's easy to take your spouse for granted or at least not show them how much you really do appreciate them.
And a rule DH and I have is always say "I love you" as the last thing before you part/go to sleep. Even when DH and I are steaming mad at one another, we still say I love you bc you never know if you'll see them again.
My best advice: If one or the other can't argue fairly, you're screwed. You have to fight fair. No irreversible name-calling. No completely dismissing the other's feelings. No shutting down an argument and not coming back to resolve it. No insincere apologies.