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I have a dilemma....WWYD? (Extremely long)
DH's brother is getting married this Saturday and I don't want to go to the wedding. DH is leaving the decision up to me but at the same time giving me a bit of a guilt trip about it. Here's the backstory:
DH comes from a very disconnected family. When his mom was still alive, they hardly ever spoke. They recently only got close when she was going through chemo and he was taking her to & from her treatments. DH's father is not in the picture, hasn't been for more than 15 years. The rest of his family is really unstable. Nice people, but unstable. And it probably doesn't help that they are heavy drinkers. I'm not close with any of them.
When we got married in 2005, everyone was on board with coming to the wedding. Including his 2 brothers which were the BM and GM. In the end, only his mom, stepdad, sister, BIL, and grandpa ended up going, which was fine. I felt bad for DH but we understood that not everyone could make it to Mexico. I did have a problem with his 2 brothers though, because all along they kept telling us they were going, we paid for their wedding attire, and yet, they never bothered to face us or DH really, to say they couldn't make it. I know they weren't obligated to have a bachelor party for my DH or anything but they never even offered that much. Not even a congratulations or much less a gift or card when we returned from our honeymoon.
So let's name one of the brothers Ethan. He and his fiance, Laura, (she was in the picture when I was getting married) are getting married this weekend. They have both been married, and both have kids from previous marriages. Ethan has not held a steady job in at least 2 years and owed his ex back child support for a long time until recently. I'm still good friends with his ex, and also the godmother to his 2 girls. Ethan & Laura party, a lot, every single weekend. Everything is an occasion for a party. I can't say that I hate her or don't get a long with her, the truth is I try to avoid her at all cost because I find her terribly annoying and without any class. This is someone that showed up to my daughter's baptism late (we were literally in the middle of it), without any panties (you could just tell!) and with 3 extra people......without ever RSVPing. She brought these extra people to the reception at our home without ever bothering to introduce them to either one of us. I just don't agree with the way they live and prefer not to be around them.
When they got engaged, Ethan sent my DH a text message, asking him to be the BM. I didn't know people actually did that in the form of a text message! My DH replied yes. So then Ethan & Laura set a wedding date for June 2009, and a bachelor/bachelorette party in Vegas for May 2009. My DH tells him he can't go to Vegas so he gets demoted to groomsmen via an email from Laura because she thought my DH wasn't taking the time to plan a special party for Ethan, one that she thought he strongly deserved (those were her words). I so wish I could post a link to their wedding website so you can see how ridiculous they are.
They end up moving the wedding back to December 2009 because they realize they can't afford to get married in June. Okay, fine, whatever. They end up having another bachelor/bachelorette party here in town in October for those who couldn't make it to Vegas, but we don't go, not that I would want to, but my DH had to work anyway.
And here is the part where I finally told my DH that I had enough of them and would be perfectly fine never seeing them again. There was a fundraiser/benefit that took place in August for my MIL, to help out with her medical expenses. Over $6,000 was raised. They asked her a loan because Ethan got pulled over for DWI and was sent to county jail for unpaid tickets/warrants in September. She tells them no. Okay, he does his time and gets out. They then go back and ask for a loan for the wedding....she tells them no again. MIL gets admitted to the hospital in November and DH's sister borrows money from MIL for a couples shower that she volunteered to host for Ethan & Laura at her house. Okay, the lady is on her deathbed and you're asking her for money for a party that she cannot even attend? On top of that, Ethan asked her for $140 to get his car fixed. My DH was livid and convinced his sister to cancel the party. Unfortunately right after this, MIL gets sent to spend her final days at a hospice. During our visits there, I got to see Ethan & Laura head out to "pick up food" but instead return reeking of alcohol. It wasn't until later that I found out that they were outside drinking in their car in the parking lot with other members of the family. My own mother even noticed that Ethan reeked of alcohol at my MIL's rosary. Obviously they major problems.
So on top of all of this, the wedding takes place this Saturday at 6 pm, but they want all the guys to meet at the BM's house beginning at 2 pm. The place is about an hour away, meaning I would have to drive out there by myself and still find a babysitter for my DD. I'm dreading at though of taking separate vehicles and having to drive back in the middle of the night.
I can truthfully admit that I'm probably still a tad bitter how they treated my DH when we were getting married, and that probably contributes to part of the reason why I don't care to go, but really, should I feel obligated to go? My heart is just not in it, and I can think of a million ways how I'd prefer to spend my Saturday.
So, my nestie friends, just out of curiosity, what would you do if you were in my shoes? Suck it up and go or start planning something fun for me & DD to do on Saturday? 
And thanks so much if you managed to read all of this!
Re: I have a dilemma....WWYD? (Extremely long)
I would stay home. Seriously, life is too short to do things out of perceived obligation. If YH wants to go or feels like he has to, that's fine, but I wouldn't go.
This sort of situation comes up a lot for MH and I because of his kids and his nutty ex-wife. I used to suck it up and go to everything until I realized that I was putting everyone else's desires first and me being there wasn't appreciated anyway. I may come across like a b!tch to some of the people that wonder why I'm not there, but I don't care anymore. My sanity and comfort is much more important than people who couldn't care less about me.
Stay home and have fun with your little girl!
This.
Life is too short to spend dealing with toxic people like that. I know they're "family" and you should theoretically be the bigger person and just go...but in this case I feel like your time is much better spent with DD!
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
On the one hand, I would consider going if DH would appreciate the support. On the other, I would also be protective of my own feelings and try to prevent any further frustration from the person/situation.
That being said, if you feel like you've just had enough already, I'd stay home. It's hard finding reliable child care, ya know?!
I would definitely stay home! there's no reason to surround yourself with those kinds of people. only reason i would go is if MH really wanted my support - not because i care what anyone else there would think.
on a side note, if YH is leaving it up to you, he should accept whatever you choose. otherwise, he should state that he wants you to go. MH and I agreed to do this (ie, say what you mean) and it makes things so much easier! it's really helped us not feel resentful in social situations when the other person doesn't go, or goes but is grumpy the entire time.
This.
I tend to agree with this.
That said, in your situation...I'd probably still go. Hear me out - I wouldn't WANT to go. At all. However, I practically could have written this post myself - your husband's brother is like the male version of Ben's sister. And if she ever gets married (technically she's engaged, but honestly I'm not sure I ever see a wedding actually happening), we will go. Even though I don't want to. Because in Ben's family, well, family is family. And it annoys me that they all just kind of go, "oh, it's OK" even when it's not, just because they happen to be related by blood, but that's the way it is with his family and I would literally start WWIII by not showing. (Man I hope that makes sense!)
I don't know if it's the same way with your DH's family...if it's not, and if it wouldn't cause the kind of problems that I'd have by not going to SIL's wedding, then I'd definitely stay home lol!
I agree. But if your DH really doesn't care one way or another then I would skip and plan a fun day without the drama!
OK, that pic of Cassie is ADORABLE!!! So I take it she was NOT invited? How rude. She's the cutest thing. Perfect flower girl material!
I would stay home. You have a built in excuse that you weren't able to get a babysitter (because you didn't try, but whatever) and you didn't want to take 2 cars.
If you DH left it up to you, then he probably understands. I sure hope he's not getting them a gift also. Geesh! I am steamed just reading your post!
Malia & Dave & Alexa
Happily married since 2-17-08! Three since 9-9-09!
Baby Blog
The picture of your daughter cracks me up! She's adorable.
If I were in this situation I would want to stay home because they sound like drama. But I wonder how your BIL/SIL will react and how this could affect you for years to come. If it were a shower, or birthday party I would say don't go, but it's their wedding. The way your SIL reacted to YH not being able to plan the bachelor party in Vegas makes me think that you not attending their wedding would be a big deal for years to come.
Married Bio
What a piece of work! I got irked just reading it, too!
Does your DH want to keep a good relationship with them? I guess it's his brother so he does... I'd just worry that your not going could cause a rift between YH and Ethan.
Having said that though, if you really feel you are "done" with them, I wouldn't go, and have a great Saturday with DD.
I would go to support my H. I feel bad that your H's brother is the way he is. It must be hard for your H. I would take everything that you've been through with BIL and how bad and frustrated that made you feel (and mulitply it by 10 for how your H must feel). It is hard to be related to someone who has that many issues. I don't think men express it the way we do, but they still feel badly.
That's me. If you believe you H is good to go on his own, you know him better than I do.
On a completely separate note, I would make sure everyone has a designated driver, limo, taxi option. Sounds like an accident waiting to happen. Be safe.
Newlyweds since 2007