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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How do you and DH fight?
Do you fight fair? Do you fight often (not that that's bad, some people are just fighters/debaters). Do you have a system to resolve fights? One of my couple friends when they get in a fight, they leave each other alone for 5 minutes, then calmly sit down and discuss why they're upset.
BJ is the king of turning things back on me. If he f's up and I freak out on him, some how he ends up mad and freaks out too. I just don't understand. We don't fight often, we both hate fighting, so maybe I'm thinking since we don't fight a lot we never learned how to fight effectively with each other? Does that make sense??
Re: How do you and DH fight?
I wouldn't say we have out and out fights- more like spirited debates.
We tend to check in and dh will say things like, "are you just wanting to vent? If so, fine. Just say so in advance so I don't feel attacked."
I have learned to preface any rants with my- let me get this out... and I will also tell dh if I find it's not the right time- ie: we're unable to fully discuss things, or he needs to tone things down.
Communication is one of those things that takes time. Dh is naturally loud (I refer to this as his 'kitchen' voice) and I am naturally one who avoids confrontation- we've both curbed these instinctual behaviours- which, are really just defense mechanisms, and worked around our flaws.
We have made a commitment to play fair with each other because you just don't ever want to cross those lines in a relationship.
We don't fight much either. It's more the bickering stuff like "you didn't wash the dishes" which I defintely wouldn't constitute as fighting. We are both pretty relaxed when it comes to major issues that most couples would fight about and we tend to be on the same page.
This. You remember when they separated the girls and boys in sex ed? That's when they taught them how to do this. At least that's my theory. Some how it's always our fault. I bet Tiger Woods has some how convinced his wife it was her fault.
We only fight about dumb stuff, never anything serious. And we most definitely do not fight effectively. DH has no filter and will dig up stuff from YEARS ago. I almost always end up with my feelings hurt and he's just pissed. The main problem is we pretty much only fight if we've been drinking. Not a good combo.
You mean, how do I fight with myself? Alex isn't a fighter. In the nearly ten years we've been together, he's started an argument maybe a half dozen times. Maybe.
This is how it usually goes. I get upset (for a real reason or stress), and start to get "huffy" (Alex's word). I stomp around a little (or sulk, depending on my mood) and look for things to fight about to relieve whatever tension I'm feeling. Then I pick something and I proceed to "talk loudly" (yell) for a few minutes, then storm off. Alex gives me space for the next five minutes, then he comes to find me (it is very hard in our HUGE NYC apartment haha), and asks what is really up. Then I cry and vent for 15 minutes, he hugs me, apologizes for the stress, and we go on our merry way.
When Alex is stressed, he just needs space, so I give it to him. He's always pretty open when something is bothering him, so when he's ready, he'll come to me and we'll chat. Much more effective than my way, but I secretly think he loves my flair for dramatics...:)
I survived the RoLex wedding and all I got was this lousy husband.
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In our 5 years together, we've had maybe 4 disagreements. Never an actual fight. He's very, VERY level-headed (I think because of his police training). I, on the other hand, tend to dwell on stuff - so I may be upset/mad, but Erik gets over it quickly.
Talking things out definitely helps more than fighting and freaking out. Because you can think rationally when not freaking out.
This. This is how DH & I are. He gets over things quickly & it takes a lot to actually see him mad. We've been together 2 years and I can't even remember the last time I saw him actually mad at me. I've seen him flaming p!ssed at his dad or brother. On the other hand he gets very frustrated with the fact that when I am mad I (1) need to not talk about it for a while, so I can calm down, & (2) find it difficult to move on after an argument. Even if we resolve the issue, or agree to disagree, I still find it hard to move on and act normal again. Sometimes it takes me a full day to feel "back to normal". For those reasons, I actually try to be upfront and let him know right away if I'm upset about something. The thing DH hasn't seen from me is that the reason I like to not talk about why I'm angry right away is because I have a hot temper and I tend to go on the attack... which is why I try to cool down. That's something I had to teach myself when I realized my previous tactics were just making things worse.
Totally this! I cracked up reading this. I am much more "expressive" than Timm.
We aren't big fighters. And honestly we bicker more than fight. I think we got in one yelling fight in the past 7 years. We are pretty honast about what is bothering us.
Because I am a redheaded Irish girl, I just get angry - not at him, about not finding clothes that fit right most recently - and then yell at the world. He leaves the room and comes back a couple mins later and makes me feel better. I feel better after throwing my hissy fit and he feels better knowing that "he made it better."
Call me crazy but DH have had some great "arguments" yelling, screaming (usually by me) me leaving for awhile, him turning stuff back on me...but ya know what? none of them have ever changed the way we feel about each other. We bicker sometimes over stupid stuff and I really don't think any of our fights have been over big stuff. DH is the one who will come apologize first 99% of the time. I'm very stubborn, but I'm getting better at apologizing and I melt 99% of the time as soon as he hugs me....lol.
Honestly I don't see anything wrong with having a "healthy" fight every once in awhile as long as it's not to often....if you never fight you never get make up sex
HAHAHAHA Yep, that about sums it up! It's just in our genes
Um...DH and I fight a lot and we still haven't learned how to fight effectively
ETA: Most of it stems from my passive/aggresiveness (thanks dad!) and stubborness (thanks grandpa!). Also, I am constantly correcting Jason because, well...he makes stuff up! I remember things almost word for word and Jason "paraphrases" things. Except that when he paraphrases he fills in the gaps with made up sh!t and I find myself constantly correcting him. He hates this and he'll blow up at me if I really get on his nerves. The other thing that escalates things is that DH doesn't fight fair, he hits below the belt by attacking me and calling me hurtful names.
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We bicker...more than any other relationship I've been in (shoot the guy I dated before him we never argued because I don't think that ever really communicated period). I've always been very laid-back, but DH likes to whisper things under his breath after I leave the room...oh that irks me! But we 'have' to talk louder than the other person and we cuss...oh boy do we cuss. I can use the F bomb as a noun, adjective, adverb...and of course verb! DH is the baby of his family and I think always got away with crap...he does NOT talk things out and seldom ever apologizes for anything. He likes to disappear and I'll find that usually he's gone to bed (doesn't matter what time it is). He also thinks that I have ESP...I'm fond of telling him "sorry my ESP is turned off right now" or "what are you, 5???"
We just usually "decompress" and then it's like nothing happened. I do hope that this changes...the one time I tried to talk to him (sat him down and everything) I swear it was like talking to a child...he would not look at me and sat and kicked his feet. I tried not to giggle.
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FI and I rarely have big fights, and neither one of us are yellers. We get aggravated with each other on a fairly regular basis, but we're both trying really hard to just come right out and say what it is that's bothering us...if we can do that, we accept it and move on.
I'm not a big talker in the first place, and talking about how I'm feeling is torture to me (I'm worse than a man). When I get stressed or frustrated (even when it has nothing to do with FI) I tend to shut down and get very snippy....and he always assumes it's because of him, which then makes me even more frustrated. It's a vicious cycle.
I've never been good at debate....I have a really hard time puting my opinions into words, and an even harder time explaining why I feel the way I do. I'm a terrible communicator. This drives FI crazy (although I have to say he's not always the best at telling me why he's angry too). And I'm a crier, which drives me crazy. I'm angry, and I want to yell but instead I end up crying which makes me embarrassed at myself and more angry....I end up not being able to articulate anything because I'm so frustrated at myself for not being able to explain how I'm feeling (and for crying).
If I'm really angry, usually what happens is I will be all huffy and snippy, FI will ask me what's wrong, I'll say "nothing", he'll get mad at me for not telling him what's wrong, I'll get mad at him for being mad at me, we'll stop talking to each other and sulk for the rest of the night. Usually by the next morning I'm calm enough to have an adult conversation. Sometimes if FI is persistent about asking what's wrong I will tell him right away....after breaking down into tears. Both of us are super stubbon and neither one of us ever apologize.
Yikes, I'm a mess. My poor FI. We've definitely got some work to do.
{Blog: Adventures of AlaskanAlison}
This.
We had a fight once about how we never fight. It was my fault because I was mad because we never fight and I thought it was unhealthy. It lasted for 10 minutes, then I was over it. Don't get me wrong, we get annoyed at each other and normal stuff like that... but we don't "fight" about anything.
I am the cranky pants in the relationship, quick to anger etc. He is mr. calm. Sometimes I walk away, and he sits there and doesn't say much. He can always tell when I am mad, and sometimes I let things that make me sad get to me in the end I will get mad at him and he can tell and I will break and bawl and he comforts me. We are not allowed to go to bed mad.
However, I feel I always say I am sorry first. Which drives me nuts, but because of his calmness, I am 75% more calm too, and get less angry.
Ha ha, this! DH calls it my huffing and puffing. I'm not one to yell and tend to hold it in for a bit to rationalize it all. But this is how I am about all things that get me worked up, most of the time it isn't DH as we don't really fight/argue much. If it is towards him, I'm more of the silent treatment type and will eventually let it out after a while. He's pretty laid back but when he does get mad at me, he usually tries to let off steam by going outside or in another room. He knows I wouldn't take well to being yelled at.
Yas are all gonna think we're nuts.....
Peter and I FIGHT. BIG TIME. Not often, but when we fight (like once or twice every other month), we're both hot-blooded Euro trash.
I'm the worst.
I hit. I throw EVERYTHING. I break things (plates, mirrors, glassware, remotes, etc). I curse. I scream. I cry.
Peter puts up with it until he's had enough and then he freaks out and before ya know it, I shuttup.
Then we have AMAZING make-up sex.
That's my favorite part
Ali - i'm the same way!
Ditto this! Although, DH is more stubborn than I am. I tend to apologize quicker than he does. He seems to think that if he just doesn't say anything about whatever the issue was, after a few days, all will be forgiven. WRONG! This is something we're working on!
ahhhh I freak out...! DH call me "turbo" when I get into this ranting mode! I know it doesn't help solve anything, but once I pass that point I can't control it! He's usually pretty calm but if I push the wrong buttons he'll get really mad and shut down... then the fight goes nowhere. We do have this pack that we will never go to bed angry so we usually find a solution to our problem or agree to disagree. We've had maybe 1 or 2 fights since we've been married... but too many to count in the 10 years we dated before that!
I went to this workshop on Behavior Management for children today, but this same strategy would work on adults...
When someone is really heated and angry they are not going to listen to anything logical until they've calmed. Therefore you say "I understand you are mad because...." and give them 2 choices they can choose from "At this point you can choose to either ____ or ____" Trying to resolve anything in the heat of the battle is useless, so take a break from each other and come back when you have some solutions to suggest. I'm going to try this the next time we fight!