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Needing some advice
So me and my fiance - we have been together for 6 months and engaged for two. Yes, things did move quickly. I also moved him in quickly as well. So - I can honestly say the one thing we fight about all of the time is sex. And it is not him fighting with me - it is me fighting with him about it. From the very beginning, it was every other day and now it is like every two or three days - however, sometimes we go 5 or 6 days without having sex. We have had a couple of big arguments over this, because I try to initiate and he turns me down, which is like rejection to me and hurts my feelings. Our last argument was this past weekend and throughout our arguments little things come out - and he admits he is very dysfunctional when it comes to sex and he associates it with arguing and drinking - his last relationship of 5 years was nothing but this and the girl got pregnant on purpose.
The issue is - he will not go see someone about the issues he is having with sex and I want it more. In my opinion, we should be having sex at least 4 times a week being so new in a relationship. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Re: Needing some advice
Ok, I am so confused. You've been together for six months, and engaged for two years. Say what?!
As for you thinking you should be doing it four times a week since you're in a new relationship. It is ok if it is your expectation that you should have sex at least four times per week. I would not put that desire on "being in a new relationship." Is that expectation going to change as soon as you hit 3 years of marriage? Two years? Ten years? Just claim it--you expect to have sex at least four times a week. No explanation needed.
While I agree that disagreements about how much you're going to have sex are a huge red flag prior to marriage, I think there are way bigger issues here. His last GF got KU on purpose? Did she punch holes in his condom? What was his role in that pregnancy?
He is filing for bankruptcy and has child support issues? Are you sure NOW is the right time for marriage. I would say that if you marry him, you're going into a marriage with sex problems and money problems, both of which are MAJOR strains on relationships.
EDIT--Ok, I get it. Engaged for two months, together for six months. Sorry!
I'm pretty sure she is saying they've been together for 6 months, and engaged for the last 2.
Why did you feel the need to get engaged so quickly. If he is having such major financial issues why rush into marriage. You are going to be stuck with his mess. Fighting over sex is also another bad sign. I'm not saying these things can't be worked out but why get engaged so soon?
MKE, I think she means they've been engaged for 2 months.
OP, I think you two need to have a discussion about your expectations regarding how often you should have sex. He's stressed and you know it, maybe you shouldn't add more stress by harping on the sex issue.
HOWEVER, I have to echo MKE's suggestion that now may not be the right time to be thinking of marriage. Especially with his impending bankruptcy and parental rights issues. Perhaps you two should slow things down a bit, let him get a handle on his financial and child issues then renew the talk about marriage. Going into a marriage with one person already is feeling unsatisfied sexually and the other is having serious financial troubles is a breeding ground for trouble.
Early on, you're right, lots of sex is often the norm.
Know what else is key early on? it not being THIS MUCH WORK.
He's telling you clearly that he has issues w/ sex. And that' he REFUSES to do anything about them.
So your options?
1-take him. and consign yourself to a lifetime of being sexually frustrated w/ someone who refuses to get help for his problems.
2-Leave him. And recognize that you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. And that he doesn't want to change.
Regardless of your bedroom issues, take a little deeper look at your relationship. You're already having big issues and you've only been together for 6 months. Is this something you want to deal with for the rest of your life?
Why do you really need to be engaged right now?
Also, I need some more background on the his background. How many kids does he have? Was he married before? You said he's filing bankruptcy or visitation or something?
As for the bedroom issues, a certain "number" should not be attached to how "new" a relationship is. But, if the sex drive is lacking for you, there is an issue. So, you say he's stressed out, what's going on? I have a feeling it has to do with the previous questions I have asked.
"Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts. It stays on you forever."
This is perfect. This relationship may just be too much work for you, and it isn't like you've invested years, it's only been 6 months.
"Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts. It stays on you forever."
Too much drama for a 6 month relationship. How old are you? Regardless DTMFA, go to counseling to see why you need a man in your life so desperately, buy a vibrator in the mean time...Next!
Why marry this fixer-upper of a boyfriend?
Financial problems, sex issues and an unwillingness to work on things? Sign me up for that!
Ok, I very much agree that there are bigger problems at play here and that there is no need to rush into marriage before working these bigger issues out (especially the financial).
But...IF the sex part were the only issue, it seems to me that things could be worked out. I feel like different advice tends to be given on this board when posters have issues of differing sex drives based on whether the person who wants more sex is the male or the female. When the man wants sex more often than the woman, people tend to say that as long as the couple is having a reasonable amount of sex, the guy can fill the gap with self-love at times. I've rarely seen that proposed when the woman has the higher drive, however.
In my opinion, very rarely are couples always 100% in sync on exactly how much sex they want. In my relationship, DH started out with a slightly higher drive, then it was me for awhile, and now it's back to being sort of him again. Throughout a lifetime, people's hormone levels and stress levels and fatigue levels fluctuate, and this affects drive. I think it's unrealistic to assume that you will be perfectly matched with another person's sex drive for the rest of your lives. There's eventually going to have to be some compromise in both directions. As long as you're both within a similar general range, it can work.
Anyway, this ended up not really being directly about the OP, but I wanted to comment on it because it was something I noticed.
D/x with endometriosis Aug. 2011
Expecting "Huckleberry" 8/29/12
Whoa...it takes TWO TO TANGO...she got pregnant by herself? He's half to blame; he could have worn a condom.
I wouldn't take this guy on a bet -- the child support issues and his current monetary status is what would be the dealbreaker to me; I'd have been history at this point:
Sorry - I also wanted to add that he is stressed because he has to claim bankruptcy and he is having issues with the child support and parental rights. So he is saying that is putting him in a bad mood and he does not feel good about himself.
Eh, have you gotten the complete and total story WHY he is bankrupt? I would if I were you -- and have you gotten the entire story why he is not paying child support? Again, I would, if I were you.
Same goes for the issues with parental rights.
Tell us again why you want a broke-assed, deadbeat dad as a FI. I'm sure that's an eye opener.
So after four months of being around this hot mess you thought it would be a good idea to legally tie yourself to him and his problems? How low are your standards that this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?
If you two are having this many issues after 6 months, it's a pretty clear sign that this is NOT a good reltaionship. Throw him back and try again.
And no, love doesn't conquer all. You need MUCH more than love to make a relationship work.
How old are you? I'm guessing less than 25...
Your sex life should be the least of your worries right now.
Why are you going to marry a guy going bankrupt? I mean I understand life happens sometimes. But this type of situation is never a good start for a marriage.
Step back and reevaluate all of this relationship. Not just the sex life part.
This, exactly. After a meager six months, you should still be in the "honeymoon" phase. There are all kinds of red flags going on here. DTMFA!
Hi Everyone! Thanks for your comments. Not that I am defending, but just wanted to clarify some things.
1. Bankruptcy - I kind of get - he bought his last house with his girlfriend - the one that has his son - they bought the house for $200K more than what is was worth - the entire US has been going through that so when they decided to split - they tried to sell it - they could only get $200K less and they cannot make that up - he could not afford the house on his own - so they both left it and are claiming bankruptcy on it. Not that is the right thing to do, but I know so many people like that right now.
2. Child thing - well he does pay Child Support - she will not let him see the child - so we are dealing with those issues of trying to see the kid.
3. For my age - well I am 34 years old - I have been through a wealth of relationships through my years and this is the first time I have been engaged. However, this is also the first time that I have dealt with a guy that does not want to have sex that often. That is why I came here.... I am not trying to put a number on how many times a week we should have it, but I am use to the first year always being like the honeymoon phase and I just do not understand this one. Good news is - we are going to counseling to find out the root of the issue - and this is for both sides - me and him.
okay, i'm not going to judge you with respect to how quickly you jumped to an engagement. my husband and i moved in with each other after 3 wks, were engaged after two months and married by month 6. guess what? we've been married 16 years.
what i will say is that the first year of marriage is quite difficult for anyone. starting out with sex issues, money issues, etc. is NOT the way to begin. marriage lasts a long, long time. there are a few reasons to get married quickly, but this doesn't seem to rise to that level.
seek counseling, please. make sure this is the right situation for you. if it is, it will wait a while.
wishing you luck.