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Husband ALWAYS wants to have sex...ugh.
I haven't been on here is a very long time...I think it has been a few years actually. But I am having an issue and don't want to talk to any of my friends about it. So maybe I can get some help here. This is going to be kind of long but I need to vent a little.
My husband and I have been married about 5 years. We have 2 kids who are 3 and 1. I had to go on Zoloft after each child because I had really bad post partum anxiety. The zoloft decreases my sex drive significantly to the point that if we never had sex it would be fine with me. I have tried to go off the zoloft but that wasn't a very good idea!
My husband is very attractive and I am attracted to him. I just don't ever want to have sex. It's not that I don't enjoy it once we are in the act- it's just that I never have a desire. He always tries to kiss me, hug me, be sexual constantly...in fact it often is at strangely inappropriate times- when the kids need something, when we are in the middle of dinner, when I am trying to do laundry, when he stops by my work, etc.
He has told me that he feels rejected by me and feels that I am not attracted to him. I feel terrible about that- and I am attracted to him, but sometimes his timing annoys me. And it really annoys me that he literally wants to have sex every day. NO joke.
Sooooo- any advice on how to handle this? I know I shouldn't be complaining that my husband is attracted to me and wants to be sexual alot...but he takes it so personal and it isn't intended to be that way at all.
Thank you,
Lindsey
Re: Husband ALWAYS wants to have sex...ugh.
Long ago, I had a boyfriend who had a lower sex drive than I did. We had a fight once and he said "You are always asking for sex." I responded "It seems like I am always asking because I didn't get any sex the first 10 times I asked. So I have to keep asking..."
Chances are that it seems to you that he always wants sex because he didn't get sexual contact the last couple of times he asked.
His need to come-on to you when the children need your attention comes from his feelings of being abandoned for the kids. Since you stopped being sexual with him after the kids, he subconsciously feels rejected by you in favor of them.
You guys have got to tackle this on multiple fronts. Talk to your prescriber about different meds -- there are lots of options. You guys also need a marriage counselor. You guys need to find ways to get back on the sex bandwagon.
Talk to your doctor for other medication alternatives.
GL
Ok, my husband has a sex drive that could re-populate the earth if disaster struck. Every day? I am lucky if we only do it ONCE a day.
I am also on anti-depressants, I take Lexapro. I know it decreases my sex drive, and I have worked over a period of 8 months to decrease (not stop!!!) my dose. It helped some.
For us, it is all about honesty, love, and compromise. He understands when I am sick, tired, sore (well, when you do it 1+ times a day, I get sore) he is going to have to deal. I understand that I am not always going to be completely "in the mood" but I am willing to stop and take time to be a part of an intimate, loving act with my husband.
The thing is, when I REALLY don't want to, he is responsible for telling me when he REALLY needs it. Some times, it would be nice, like an extra cupcake after dinner, and he gets over it when I say "no". This is when we remind each other it is about love, no one is being rejected, etc. And yes, I tell him every time I say "no" that it isn't a rejection, that I am attracted to him, etc. Other times, he needs to be close to me, to be held, to feel like we are one. Those days, I work it out no matter how tired or "not feeling like it" I may be. It goes both ways for us, and neither of us do anything or sacrifice anything we wouldn't expect the other to do for ourselves.
See if you can talk it through to a point where you both understand where you are coming from and can reach a compromise.
Work/kid time/etc needs to be addressed as "off-limits". That is unhealthy and inappropriate and has to be stressful. You can come up with a "code", like a phrase or touch that indicated the desire for as soon as possbile, but allows for the moment to pass while still communicating the want. We have a squeeze pattern that we use! I know if I get four squeezes on the knee while we are out to dinner that he is gonna have to do it later! It is fun and sexy and keeps it appropriate for all situations.
Good luck. It is tough, and both HB and I have had lots of tears about this. Open communication is the only thing that works! If you need a third party, try a couple's therapist. You are NOT alone in dealing with this!
Aside from talking to your doctor about your medication, I think this is really good advice. It is all about communication.
ok, please take my message with a grain of salt, im a very blunt person and i dont want to sound like im being insensitive because im not lol i also have not read the other posts, so if im reposting something, im sorry
sex shouldnt be the number 1 priority, but it should be a priority.
id never suggest that your husband would cheat on you, but feeling "rejected or unattractive" is a VERY common excuse that men use to cheat.
what you should try doing, which i highly recommend before the situation becomes awkward or uncomfortable is COME ONTO HIM.
he would be THRILLED if you chose a time, that was convenient to you, to pretty much seduce him. a time that youre not doing the laundry, or not helping the kids ect. i realize that you dont have a desire to start having sex, but you do enjoy it when it gets going, so just bite the bullet and make your husband feel wanted...attractive...maybe this will also help you in the future to want to have sex as well.
with guys, sex is important to them. sometimes its all thats on their mind. it is actually a proven fact that men think about sex triple what women do....also, the average married couple has sex at least once a week. (so the internet says)
like i said, sex needs to be a priority....not number one, but it needs to be a priority.
this. it's not fair to not give something to your husband that he needs (b/c lets all admit it--guys need it) and then act like he's not going to get it somewhere else. My sex drive used to be much lower--but then I realized, it's a HUGE mental thing for me--I just tell myself that I'll enjoy it, and think about how much my DH enjoys it when I enjoy it--and I do.
If my husband began to act as you have explained, I would seriously think about divorcing you.
Sex is important. I understand that you are on medication that decreases your drive, but don't you still have the need to be close to him? To make him happy?
I am not always in the mood, but I love the closeness between my SO and I. Usually, I'll get into it once we begin regardless if I was in the mood before.
I think you are being extremely selfish. I was sick for a while, and couldn't have sex per doctor's orders, and I still thought it was important to give my SO a sexual release in other ways.
There are other ways to have a loving relationship other than sex and if a man has to have it all the time than he is not worth it. and if you had to give your SO a sexual release than he is not a very loving husband if it was so important durring your sickness.