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To be or not to be a mom?
Hello,
Its been a long time since I've been on here. Brief history, my common law spouse Jer and I have been together for 9 years and are not married (not the wedding type and kind of do our own thing). We have no children and had kind of decided that this year would be the year we decide if we want any children or to forgoe the whole parent thing all together. Being a mom is not something I dreamed of, ever. In fact for a large number of years I was certain I didn't want children. But in the past few years as I've be come an aunt, gotten older, and more settled, I wonder if I may want to change my mind and consider being a mom...
So, I thought I'd see if there is any one on here who have chosen not to have children and ask if you can share your reasons. And vice versa, and moms want to share their experiences and why they want to be a mom.
Thanks in advance!
Re: To be or not to be a mom?
Baby #2: Surprise BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
Having a child has changed my life. I cannot imagine it without him. It is so fun and rewarding and kids are so funny. I love being able to go to places like waterparks and science world and let go of myself and watch his eyes light up. And watching him learn the simplest little things is somehow the most amazing thing to me.
I can't picture myself being 40 plus and not having a family to have over on holidays and grandkids to live through. Alot of people I talk to who don't want kids are hung up on the idea that they like their life as it is and the freedom to go out with their friends. But as their friends start having kids one by one, they realize they are going to be really lonely. Picture yourself in 10 year...in 20.
The worst thing you could do is bring a child into this world if you are willing to give 110% to caring for and loving it each and every moment. So make sure you are making the right decision.
Leah, North Vancouver Associate
Monkeybeans.ca
It's really a personal decision. One that you and him have to decide on together. I personally have always wanted children, and now that I have my niece and nephew...I see that I want children even more so. I can only pray that this happens for us one day soon
crone2b - you might want to take down your website & banner from your posts/siggy. Very shunned upon on the Nest world.
You know, it was really the holidays that did it to me. I started to wonder what it would be like when we're old. I didn't want to be the great aunt that gets taken in by others over the holidays but would have my own family. But I'm not sure thats enough reason for me.
Don't get me wrong, I take this very serious, and I don't think we could go wrong, I'm sure we'd be great parents and have always thought that (i.e. in case we had any accidents). Its that conscious decision to stop preventing pregnancy that feels like a big step.
Its wierd I'm not afraid to have kids, I'm sure it'd be great (albeit a lot of work), I guess I'm slightly afraid of if I make the decision not to have kids, will I feel like I missed out.
We chose a long time ago not to have kids (DH had a vasectomy when he was 23, 2 years before we were married). Neither of us ever grew up wanting to be a parent so the decision was an easy one for us. We are very, very close to our nephews and niece and, while I love them to death, I can't imagine having one of my own. In fact, the more friends and family that had kids, the more certain I was that it just wasn't for me. I am more confused by the desire to be a parent than anything else - lol. We have a really great life, that is exactly the way we want to live, and children would not easily fit into that lifestyle. And we both admit that we may not be selfless enough to sacrifice the things we'd need to in order to have a family.
That being said, it was hard for our families to understand and accept our decision. Both of our mothers were very sad, his blamed me, mine kept talking about adoption! lol They just didn't "get it". We don't want kids, at all, ever.
I won't lie and say that I haven't occassionally wondered what our baby(s) would have looked like, and wondered if they would have been tall or short, and athlete or an artsist, but nothing compelling enough to change my mind. I have had to grieve certain things; our siblings who gave our parents grandchildren have a relationship with them that we will never know or experience, and that makes me sad. People aren't as undherstanding as you may think about a woman's decision *not* to have a baby. Many assume that you don't like kids, which is so not thew case. As a practical matter, we have had to put into place financial plans to ensure that we are cared for in old age as we will have no children to do errands, etc for us when we are no longer able to. Our financial picture for our retirement is vastly different from that of my parents and ILs, who *do* have children to rely on to help them out.
There is nothing wrong with living a child free life!
Ditto this. No soliciting on The Nest.
I feel you on this one. My wanting to have kids is constantly changing. This past year I was hell bent on not having kids. I was terrified about losing myself if I had a child. Its seems to me that the majority of moms I know are all about the children. They have nothing to talk about, think about or do unless its about their children or someone else's. They have no individual personality anymore and that terrifies me. I do know one mom who has been able to maintain some sort of individuality out of like 7 or 8 ... and she's the one who's had twins. This is what I scared of most. Ya sure I can say well I won't let it happen to me but I am sure lots of moms say that. Also I don't think FH and I can afford kids and their $5000 dental bills and $1200 hockey equipment. I think of all the things we could do if we didn't have them. Like travel and retire earlier because we would have the financial freedom to do so.
I know that once I turn 30 I will probably start hearing the clock ticking and I will give in and I know I probably won't regret it for a second. I envy the people who this decision is clear for them. I wish I was a firm no or a firm yes, that would be easier!
Frannie! Frannie! It's me Suzanne in Burlington! How are you! I'm never on here either, just saw your name and almost dropped dead at the title
Don't have much time, but I'm definitely of the camp that scoffs at those moms who are like "OMG, haven't been able to take a shower in days etc. etc." Put the baby on the bathroom floor, lock the door, and take a 15 minute shower! God! That's just my little rant
Anyhoo, I had my second 9 months ago, and am learning more about myself everyday, I love it. I'm also part of a great mom group, and met loads of like minded non-coochie-coo'ers when Lucy was in her first year, so that helped me feel normal and not like I had to keep up with the Hardcore Mama Jones'. If you're still in Burlington and want to borrow mine to help you decide, feel free
If you DO decide to go forward, you 99.9% won't regret it. But if you don't, you WILL probably regret it 99% at age 50 when there's no turning back, in my esteemed scholarly opinion. If you're like Melozia and lucky enough to know in your heart of hearts you don't want them, then I think that's awesome too
I kind of agree with this. I never used to want kids, and my husband didn't either. We went into our marriage thinking that we'd never have kids.
But, even though that's what I wanted, I could never truly imagine us without kids. I kind of figured that we'd either change our minds, or have a "whoops". I think the reason I couldn't imagine us without kids is that I couldn't imagine us old, without kids. I feel like the elderly need kids and grandkids to visit, look after them, etc. The thought of an elderly couple (or worse, an elderly widow/er) without a young family to visit all the time honestly makes me sad.
Once I fully accepted that we would have kids one day, I was surprised how quickly the idea of having kids grew in our minds. My husband went from being anti-kid to idolizing kids almost overnight. We can't understand how we never wanted kids before...
Ditto;
it is like the words flew out of my mouth...
I can admit I am scared that I will not an able to afford to pay for all the lavish things but I know I can give them everything they will ever need!
I hope and plan to be able to take a vacation with just DH and I ...even if we have to wait 10-15 years.... we will accomplish it...I think it is something you have to set your mind to... anything is possible if you work hard enough.
Nothing in life is perfect but some many things are just right!
A big part of having kids for me was having that family tie as I get older. Let's face it, my parents will not be around forever and although my brother and I have a great relationship, at some point he'll be busy with his own family/children if he decides to have them.
Also, I don't think anyone in their right mind could regret having kids, but I'm sure there are lots of people who regret never having kids. Just something to think about.
Mom, why are you washing my feed in the sink?!
In case anyone is interested to hear where I'm currently at with this... After a long talk with my hair dresser (its amazing how much easier it is to talk to someone who is not part of your family or circle of friends on certain topics), she pointed out that if I was adimently against children, that I would likely know. And thats true - I'm sure DH and I would be completely happy without kid(s), but I'm not certain that we don't want kid(s). I'm not sure the subtlety is evident in that sentence, but it seems to make sense to me now.
I'm not the type that feels the NEED to have kids (i.e. my sole purpose in life is not to be a mom). But at the same time I appreciate that kids might enrich my life at some point. So, I think I'm willing to give it a chance, but only leave it up to chance. I'm thinking going off BCP for a period of time and seeing what happens naturally (i.e. no charting or other techniques). If it doesn't happen then it wasn't meant to be.
Obviously, we need to discuss the finer points of this between ourselves, but DH has been very clear that he is ok either way and its really up to me (as we have recently addressed his medical concerns about pregnancy and me). Oh, and due to the medical concerns, I'd have to get a spinal MRI before going off BCP, but once I get that out of the way... who knows....
Thanks Nesties!!!
(Suzanne - great to see your reply - I think I tried to send you message)
I haven't been on here in FOREVER, but i couldn't help but comment.
DH and I recently decided to stop the BCP and just see what happens. Only months before I had been completely opposed to the idea of having kids... not interested in the slightest. I came from a family of six kids and I didn't feel ready for the chaos and I've been enjoying our married freedom.
My heart changed when I realized that no one is ever fully prepared for parenthood, but having a family of your own is one of the greatest gifts in life. It's just one more person to have fun with, take on trips, share the holidays with, learn with, grow with, etc. Everyone's parenting style is unique, you can make family life work for your lifestyle. It's a given that there will be sacrifices, but they will all be worth it!
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
- Robert Munsch