Boston Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
New and concerned... Help!
Hi girls! I am fairly new to the Nest... but am not holding back in voicing some concerns!
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My DH and I were married last summer. While engaged, we talked about TTC a year after marriage (wanting to have "fun" for a while). That would put us into Sept. 2011. Now he's backing out! He says he's not sure if he is ready, and laughs at me/tells me to calm down if I try to discuss it.
?I need some unbiased help! This seems unfair and immature. How should I handle it?
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Re: New and concerned... Help!
do you mean you were planning to TTC in Sept 2010? If it's really 2011, I'd just keep quiet for now because that is a LONG time from now and a lot can change.
Other than that, as much as I know it seems unfair, I don't think you should whine or try to pressure him into the baby thing. I fully believe that one of the only things in life you definitely shouldn't push someone into is having a baby - your lives will never be the same. We are still waiting to TTC because my husband isn't ready. He knows I am and he doesn't oppose talking about it as much as he used to and I know he's coming around. You can't force someone to be ready.
Don't talk about it for a while, then pick the right time to have a rational conversation about both your concerns/wishes about the whole subject.
It's tough when you have got BOTB. DH and I were out of sync for the first couple of years about the baby train, and I know when he was off of it he had trouble talking about it too. You don't want to try if he feels completely not ready cause being pregnant/having a baby will just extra stress if there is reason he's hesitant, but has he explained why he feels he's not ready? Make sure you explain that you aren't trying to pressure him, just understand his reason for changing his mind or is it a feeling that he is unprepared in general.
When we got married, we had a time line for the baby stuff, but things definitely didn't go as planned and we've waited another year or two. I know DH and I both wanted a baby sooner, but we knew that we needed to be more financially secure and responsible in general. It would totally annoy me though when I just wanted to talk in general about it and he would freak out or laugh at me being all googy eyed seeing babies. I knew I wasn't ready, but I just wanted to talk!
Talk to him, and when you need to vent or talk baby and he's not listening come here!
He's allowed to change his mind- just give him some time. The shoe has been on the other foot for us in the past and I have always appreciated Dh's patience with me.
This is why I love the Nest... you have calmed me down in a matter of minutes!
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September IS far away... it's just hard to bite my tongue! I just needed a calm voice of reason... or 5!
I agree with PPs. A lot of people (men and women both) are enthusiastic about the prospect, but when it starts looking imminent, they start thinking about the ramifications of having a child and it makes them understandably nervous. You have plenty of time to discuss this further... whether it's September 2010 or September 2011... or even later.
Whatever you do, don't pressure your husband. He will be ready when he's ready. I know that's probably frustrating to hear, but you can't force him to be prepared before he is. You got married so recently he probably wants to take time to enjoy some time with you before you bring a child into the mix. There's nothing wrong with this - in fact, it's wonderful to build that relationship and to just have fun being married. Having a child is a beautiful thing, but it's also hard and it can put a lot of strain on a marriage... it changes everything!
FWIW, I am 35 years old and H and I will celebrate our one-year anniversary on Valentine's Day. Given my age, we initially we thought we'd try to start TTC pretty quickly. However, for a number of reasons we haven't, and I'm SO GLAD we have waited! We probably won't start TTC for another six months to a year and as much as I want to have a baby with him, I am enjoying our lives together as a solo couple so much. Honestly, if I were younger, we'd probably wait another five years before starting to TTC.
Don't rush children. Enjoy your quality time together... ask any parent... they will tell you that they LOVE their kids and can't imagine their lives without them, but that they wish they had appreciated sleeping in, having sex whenever they felt like it without fear of interruption, watching whatever TV shows they felt like, being able to work out at the gym regularly, having time to yourself for bubble baths or reading a book, etc. Remember, this time that you have with just your H is so special too...
It's funny that you brought this up today. MH sprung it on me tonight that it wasn't ready for foster kids yet. We had originally planning on doing the training this fall and starting in one year.
Now, he wants to wait two more years to start. I, unfortunately, found this out when he was talking to his mom.
I know it's feels so sucky and unfair right now. But, as pp said, it's not a good idea to force him into it. I thought about trying to do that with MH for about a second and then figured that would really backfire on me.
And, I am starting to come around - it will be nice to enjoy two more years of quiet. :-)
My lovely DH goes back and forth on his timeline... I tend to take what he says with a grain of salt though. A few months ago he said "5 years"... and then I reminded him how old he will be in 5 years, so he said "3 years" and then I reminded him that it's almost a full year of growing a baby (and that's if you get pregnant right away)...
I revisit this topic every so often to see what his response is as I know it's not the right time right now.
Starting a family can be scary-- it's a lot of changes- in your relationship, financially, maturitywise, etc-- and it can be a big step. I know with my DH he will get there sooner rather than later, especially with his friends starting families as well... it can be really upsetting when it feels like either there is a miscommunication or he's backing out on his word. With my DH, I know he's just scared (though you should see him cradling our pets... he's totally ready).