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Ready to give up on husband...need some advice
I have been married for about 6 months now and sex has been the one bone of contention throughout our relationship (we dated for 7 years!) I always seem to want it more than him and when I do try its the rejection that burns the most. I am very attractive, keep myself fit and desirable, yet he is constantly denying me, which makes me feel so bad. Recently he's been working alot and we haven't been intimate for about 3 weeks now, and he seems to be just fine about that, whereas in my head I am ready to blow up. Normally if I really try we have sex on average 2 times a week! I want to cry as I write this, its so frustrating! He has been working at a new job in which he is under alot of pressure and stress, and I know this is probably the reason, but when I am stressed I want it more because it relaxes me...We have fought and fought and I have made it really clear that I am not happy, yet we always seem to fall back into the same old pattern. On one occasion when we were fighting I even reverted to sleeping with an ex because I felt so hungry to be wanted (he knows about this). Wouldn't he think about this and want to change???
He acts as though I am being unreasonable and in turn makes me feel guilty and shameful for wanting sex more often. In my previous relationship sex was never a problem, whereas now, even if I try to touch him or make naughty comments he just ignores me. Even if we didn't actually have sex, and he simply sent little messages that communicate to me that he actually wants me would make me feel completely different, but it is always platonic stuff with him. This is supposed to be my husband!! Honestly, I am ready to give up on this but my hands feel tied...so do I commit myself to a lifetime of distance and coldness between us, that leaves me miserable?? Oh yes, if I ever suggest taking this more seriously he makes me feel silly, like this is not a problem, its my problem. I also know that he is not having an affair or anything, its just him. Hellllppppp please someone!
Re: Ready to give up on husband...need some advice
You need to split up. If you think it's okay for you to have sex with other people, as you seem to do, then you're not suitable for anyone.
And really, you think that cheating on your husband is going to make him want to be intimate with you more? Yeeeah, that's not how it works.
You had to know someone was going to say this but, if your sex life has always been this way and you've been so dissatisfied with it, why did you go through with a marriage to this man?
Now you're married, already cheating on him with an ex during times of fighting, not having sex for weeks ... I hate to say it but I don't see a lot of hope here.
yeah..this.
Hopefully he's out there banging someone else since you feel it's ok for YOU to do. Sounds to me like he married you out of spite since, you know, you cheated on him. Payback maybe?
I wouldn't think cheating on your SO would make them want you more. Probably even less.
So, you cheated on your husband and then wonder why your sexual intimacy with him is lacking? Gosh, I can't possibly fathom why he wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who thinks it's ok to sleep with other people.
ETA: Plenty of couples have differing sex drives -- it's a question that gets asked on this board relatively often. The solution to this is communication, NOT cheating.
Ditto this
This
You should have mentioned this then. The way you said it made it very clear that you were cheating on him, and we just assumed you meant while married (b/c thats what you were talking about) Comments would have been totally different if we had known this. The more detailed you are, the more we can help you!
OMG!!!!! I FEEL LIKE YOU JUST READ MY EMAIL? LIKE UR READING MMY MIND!!! I CANT BELIEVE THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE LIKE ME!
MY FIANCE IS A WORKAHOLIC! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS WORK WORK ,BCUZ HES THE BIG BOSS! ARRRR HE NEGLECTS ME !
I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, AND HE SEEMS TO BE FINE WITH IT... BUT ATLEAST YOURS DOESNT WATCH PORN! I FEEL SOOO REJECTED,AND I CRY SOO MUCH.. BECUZ I NEVER FELT SOO ALONE, SO UGLY.. I TRY TO WEAR SKIMPY THINGS, I TRY TO LITE UP SOME CANDLES, AND NOTHING NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK... MY GIRL FRIEND SAID THIS CAN BE A MEDICAL CONDITION.. WHERE THEIR LIBIDO IS DECREASED ...AND YOU CAN CHECK THAT OUT AT ANY FERTILITY CENTER!
AGAIN I FEEL U WITH THE WHOLE 4X A MONTH SCENERIO! AND 4X IS ARE BUSIEST!!! IF I LEAVE IT UP TO HIM, IT WOULD BE 2WICE A MONTH! YES IM SOOO DEAD SERIOUS!!! I ASK HIM WHY THE PORN? U NO WHAT HE SAYS? "BECUZ ITS LESS WORK" UMMMM WHICH IS WORSSE YOUR SITUATION OR MINE! UGH! IM SOO DEPRESSED..
I NEVER HAD THIS... AND IM NOT EVEN AT MY PEAK.. GEEZE I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHEN I AM!!! I FEEL LIKE A DOG IN HEEAT ,THEN HE TELLS ME"OHHH ALL U THINK ABOUT IS SEX SEX SEX..." BUT ALL U THINK ABOUT IS WORK WORK WORK..
go see a counselor....stop, listen....go see a counselor! please...for the sake of your marriage (and your sex life!).
You two need to learn to communicate with each other. If he is stressed and busy with work-it makes sense his sex drive would be lower (thats a typical male response.....things at work are crazy, they feel stressed and less good about himself and hes less likely to want sex). And, please dont forget hes a different person than you...sex may help you relax, but it doesnt help him. (for that matter...do you know what will help him relax?). Have you also talked at all about the fact that if you simply felt desired, it would help? and by talk, I dont mean have you subtely hinted at that-have you come right out and said it, asked for it?
For the record, having different sex drives is not uncommon in marriages at all....its happens a lot and its something alot of couples have to work through. Also, the ups and downs of a sex life is normal in marriage.
You two need to chat honestly and my guess is that it would be really helpful for BOTh of you to have a 3rd person to provide another perspective, and to mediate. I really ercommend talking to a counselor. Even just a couple sessions might prove really beneficial is getting you talking and focusing on each other.
First off...you say the only thing that has held your relationship together is sex. Strange that you would go ahead and marry him when that's the only thing going in this relationship.
Second you slept with another man after a fight and expect him to change to meet your demands this doesn't seem like a good solution. If I cheated I would expect my man to suddenly be attracted to me and want to sleep with me.
Now I can see it form your POV. Your craving attention and he's not giving it to you, but that is no reason to cheat and then go around expect A)sympathy and
Your husband to change his sexual attraction to you. You need to understand his needs, perhaps he's under so much stress he can't perform, hell during school I don't get it very much since he works so much and so hard sometimes his college homework and writing lesson plans has him up till 2 or 3am. I don't complain though because I understand it's very stressful for him. You should talk to him in a non blaming way. It's not entirely his fault
I ready your post to my fiance though and asked for his opinion. He laughed and said "no, I wouldn't want her either" counseling unfortunately seems to be the only option to get him to trust you again and perhaps will actually open up communication since you seem unhappy with your relationship wether it be because of the sex, attention, whatever.
Agreed. I hope things get better.
I completely agree. you can't just "give up" on your husband. Thats rediculous. It doesnt seem like you are taking this commitment seriously if you are thinking of divorce just becuase u dont get laid. I can completely understand your point of view, I have the same problems with my fiance some times, but we're not even married yet and I would NEVER leave him or cheat on him just because I wasn't geting laid as much as I wanted. They make toys for a reason. And weather it happened yesterday, or 6 years ago, you need to understand that cheating on him is ALWAYS going to affect his sexual desires. He may have forgiven you, but you never forget, and especially for a man who is caring, being cheated on creates A LOT of insecurities and sleeping with you may very well remind him of that pain. I think you both need to see a couples counselor... work it out, find the problem... dont just run away. Marriage should mean more to you then that.
It sounds like the two of you could really benefit from couples counseling, and if he doesn't want to go or can't fit it into his schedule, then I suggest you go by yourself.
The first thing I got from your message is you're being pretty selfish. You're sooooo worried about not getting enough sex, you just brush aside the fact that he's started a new job ....you make that pretty obvious by saying
"He has been working at a new job in which he is under alot of pressure and stress, and I know this is probably the reason, but when I am stressed I want it more because it relaxes me"
So, you acknowledge that you might know the reason why he doesn't want to have sex...but you don't care. If you want a marriage to work, you have to put the other before yourself.
My husband is the same way....if he is stressed out about work/money/problems, he clams up, becomes distanced, and uninterested in sex. I'm usually off in my own little world, and then I snap back and realize he hasn't been his self, and then I have to coax it out of him whats on his mind....I suggest you do the same. Slow down, ask your husband whats on his mind....he'll probably blow you off, but just nicely remind him that he can talk to you about anything. And if he finally does let you know what's stressing him out, just listen, and don't try to push it more.
Your marriage isn't going to last if you're only concerned about your sexual pleasure. You're both going to get old, you're going to have ups and downs...hell, what would happen if one of you were disabled or become extremely sick and was no longer able to have sex?
Also, men often get their approval and satisfaction from their jobs and from work....and it sounds like you get your feelings of approval from sexual intimacy....this means him doing well at his job is just as important to him as it is for you to have intimacy. Perhaps explain your needs from a point of view he'll understand.
You may be stressing him out by pressuring him to have sex so often, just let up a little. By constantly reminding him how unhappy you are with your sex life you are nagging him and just telling him what he's doing WRONG all the time. That certainly wouldn't get me in the mood!! You talk about what YOU need, but what about what HE needs?
The overall message I got from your post, is that its all about YOU. You are from the standpoint that you are not responsible for your actions, and that he should be the one changing. You make that point by saying " On one occasion when we were fighting I even reverted to sleeping with an ex because I felt so hungry to be wanted (he knows about this). Wouldn't he think about this and want to change???" There you put the responsability of changing on him....but what about YOU changing??? You're the one that cheated! Yet you think HE'S the one that needs to change?
I'm not going to assume that your husband is dumb enough to marry someone he's been with for 7 years that he doesn't love and cherish and care for.....so you should assume that too. You both need to learn how to communicate more effectively, and the best way to do that is going to be with counseling.
The fact is that sex may not be his #1 priority in your relationship, but it sounds like it is for you. You need to realize good relationships aren't built on good sex.
I know it sounds like I'm assuming this is just all YOUR problem....I'm not. He absolutely, positively is contributing to this problem....but you need to work on yourself before you worry about him changing.
Also, work on your self confidence....do something outside of your relationship that is going to make you feel confident and independent...something that doesn't involve an ex. Do something like take a yoga class, or kickboxing, or a cooking class...something you'd be interested in that will make you realize you can accomplished things on your own.