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Should I be pissed?
DH's parents are having money troubles to the point where they almost can't afford to live in their house and have big credit card issues. A lot of their troubles come from their limited income and high medical bills.They've mentioned getting calls from bill collectors.
DH and I have been giving them about $100 a month to help keep them afloat. When I was there over the weekend, and we were staying in their extra bedroom, I noticed a new bed set on the bed. The bed spread she had previously was only a year old and barely used because no one sleeps in that bed. When I asked her where the other went, she said she "hated it" and got rid of it.
Now, to our fault, we didn't specify that the money were were giving them was to go towards bills. We thought it was understood (silly us). But the new bed set addition, which cost at the very least, half of what we give them monthly, has me concerned. Are they spending the money we're giving them on luxuries? Are they putting expenses like that on their credit card that they're trying to pay off?
What thoughts do you have on the issue?
Re: Should I be pissed?
I'd probably feel the same way. I worry that my ILs will end up in that situation and I already know they're not getting any of our money unless we can pay things off for them instead of handing them fistfulls of cash. MIL would spend it in a heartbeat.
Maybe you could resituate the way you're helping them. Instead of just handing them $100 every month could you make a direct payment into something they owe $$ on?
I like that idea... I'll mention it to DH to see what he says. I mean, it just makes me look at their whole story... the barely being able to eat (I've seen their pantry, it's bare)... the turning down the heat to save money... and then they go buy some bed set they don't use?
I mean, if their intention is that they got it for DH and me (since we're the only ones that use that bedroom), that's sweet, but there's better uses for that money...
I agree, and if they don't want to do that, then I prob wouldnt give them money. The bad thing about this is that you are just now starting out your life with your husband and creating that foundation, and you are dishing out that money to parents who made bad decisions. I am pretty selfish and I would have a hard time giving money to anyone who makes bad decisions like that, unless they showed me some improvement and how they were going to fix it first. I also think about if I were a parent and my kids had to give me money. I prob wouldnt take it, because they are trying to start their own life. It would prob eat me up inside to take money from my kids, even if they offered.
My Blog!
I'd be a bit upset about that too. I mean there is always the possiblity that they had a gift card that they used to get the bed set or something, but you'd think she'd have mentioned it if that were the case.
I agree with the above thought - instead of giving cash, ask do directly place the future money on bills- so you would know where it is going, and at least have that piece of mind. (I suppose doing that might free up some of their money for fun items, which would lead to more of the same - but hey, worth a try!). Good luck!
Oh, I've known since very early on in our relationship that we were going to be the ones to end up supporting them. I am and have been fully aware of that, to the point where it's understood that we will be inviting them to live under our roof when they are fully incapable of maintaining their house. This has been discussed and planned for at length.
And for what it's worth, it's not entirely their fault that they're in the financial situation that they're in. Without getting into their backstory, DH's father is 89, and only receives a small bit of SS every month. DH's mother, 64, has a disability and can only work part time and draws a small amount of SS. Between the mortgage they're still paying off, their car payment, and their ongoing medical bills, they're very strapped for cash.
I'm just a little stunned that his mom went and made a purchase like that. It has to be addressed, and it'll probably be in the form of us paying a specific bill instead of giving her cash, as you all have suggested.
If they're going to eventually move in with you anyway, why don't they stop paying and press for forclosure or just walk away? That would be one less bill they'd have to deal with. (BTW, this isn't normally something I'd approve of, but this situation is different.)
I just had to lend my mom a couple hundred dollars (made the mistake of telling her how well we're doing financially) and she blatantly lied about why she needed it, telling me some ridiculous story. I just let it go and gave it to her anyway because #1 I probably don't want to know where it's really going (she's got a history of bad decision-making, though doesn't seem to be on drugs any more) and #2 We are just recently building a relationship after years of drifting apart because of aforementioned drug issues, amongst other things. If I didn't give it to her when she knows I am able, I'm afraid she'll stop calling me. I know it's probably wrong on many levels, but I need to have my mom in my life, even if it's at arm's length in order to prtect myself. I just hope she doesn't start abusing my generosity. We shall see...
Sorry, I made it about myself.
I obviously feel your pain though. I agree that handing over cash without any parameters is what will lead to these gray areas. Talk it out, write down a plan that all four of you sign, and then if they continue to be irresponsible about it, then they've violated the terms of your agreement and you can decide not to give them any more. That would at least not make you "the bad guy" because they did it to themselves knowing the consequences. Good luck!