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need friend advice
so i've been friends with my friend c, since we were 10 years old. this puts our friendship around 19 years old. we have gone through a LOT together. we went to college together, when she moved to memphis, i moved to memphis. she were in each other's weddings. etc etc...
she got married in june, and then her new H's band was on tour, so she went with them for awhile, and they asked me to help find them a small show and a free place to stay when they were passing through denver in july. she and her H stayed with zach and i while the rest of the band stayed at some motel. i didn't hear from her again until november. this is even with me texting or calling her about twice a week july through september, and then finally texting her that it was hurting me too much to try and not get anything back from her, so she could contact me when she was ready.
she called me a few days after zach had confessed about his cheating. i told her everything and she cried with me and apologized for not calling sooner and told me that she would do a better job of being a good friend. there were some things that had happened in those months of no contact that i was not even aware of (her BIL passed away and she doesn't handle death well, plus she was newly married and was having a hard time juggling her H and friends and church and everything) so i forgave her and just decided to keep pursuing her. you can't throw away a friendship like that, right?
well, since that day in november, she has called or texted me TWICE. i called her on christmas, no answer. i called her on new years, no answer. i leave voicemails almost every time i call. i had surgery and she didn't call. she posted a comment on FB to one of my status updates that she was glad i was doing well and that has been the extent of our communication.
for some reason, i woke up really upset, as in, about to cry, about the situation this morning. i imagined writing her an email to tell her how hurt i am, but i don't know if that's the best thing to do. i just want her to know that when somebody spills their entire heart to you about their husband cheating on them, it's not ok to ignore their call every single time they call, and you might want to check on them. i still have hard days. i'm glad i have you guys and 3 other friends that know. my one friend, sarah, still calls to check on me a few times a week. granted, she lives here and has been through a very similar situation with her H, but still. i have stopped calling c my "best" friend, because she's not anymore. and i'm disappointed by that. there is nobody that supports her and loves her like i do, because nobody else has that history. i am so hurt...
WWA08D? write her the letter? or let it go and just move on?
Re: need friend advice
I know how you feel. I have friends, twins, that I have been friends with since we were infants. We've seriously known each other forever. We started to grow apart in college because they went away and I stayed home. But we saw each other almost every time they came home and when they graduated and came home for good things got better. We saw each other more, but not like we did when we were in school which is understandable because we had grown up and gotten jobs and it was just harder. We don't see each other as often as we would like - but they work in bars and I work in an office so we have completely opposite schedules. We try to get together every chance we get but it is hard. We can go for months without seeing each other and pick up right where we left off never having missed a beat. Would I like to see them more? Absolutely. Talk more? Definitely. Do I love them any less than I did when we were growing up? Not for a second.
My point is that no matter how little or how much you talk you two will always have a strong friendship that can't be duplicated or replaced. I don't think that you should give up on her because I think you will never be able to forgive yourself. She might not be purposely avoiding you, she might just be busy and letting time slip away ya know? Maybe she's got some things going on with work, or life, or church, or whatever and doesn't want to burden you because you've got so much going on and she doesn't want to stress you out. Maybe she just doesn't know how to be there for you with Zach and his cheating. I think it would be ok for you to write the letter to tell her how you feel, again, and ask her what's been up and why it seems like she's avoiding you. It could be something completely stupid that gets solved by just asking. But don't just give up because that wouldn't be Bethie
Something like this, I have just let the friendship go in the direction of wherever. Some of my friendships ended up like that, but not every one of them ended. As much as it hurt me, I just made myself realize that people and relationships change. There's only so much you, as one half of that friendship, can do.
I have a friend I've been friends with since first grade. He doesn't always respond to texts (I don't do it often anyways), but once every couple of months, I'll send him an email to see how he's doing, and he'll respond. He contacts me every so often too, but not as much as I'd like to talk with him. I also have a couple other people that I still consider friends, but really only communicate with them a couple times a year, even though we used to be really close.
Unfortunately, people change, lives change, priorities change. I'm sorry you're going through this and it sucks you're hurt. I know, I've been there. Not sure if in my little ramble I gave advice that helps, but it's my view :::big hugs:::
~~~MARRIED BIO~~~
People grow, friendships diminish.
Let her go.
You can't keep giving, giving, giving and get ignored in return.
This will probably not be helpful at all, but I agree with everyone who posted a reply.
I definately think you should write your friend a letter. If you can't get in touch with her on the phone or face to face, you will never have the opportunity to get things off of your chest.
After writing the letter, I would just let her go.
I have a friend who was in my wedding, friends for years (not 19, but still a long time) and I find out she is not as good a friend as I thought. I let her know how I felt, and now, when she calls/emails I take the time to talk to her, but if she doesn't, it doesn't hurt me anymore.
Letting go of the expectations is the most important. If you don't expect her to be the same friend that she was 10 years ago, then it won't hurt as bad when she isn't.
I don't know what to say about this other than I totally understand. My good friends (very good as in, in my wedding good) have not called me ONCE since I told them I had cancer. Who knows why people do these things. I don't have any good advice and I wish I did. I just hope that things turn around and she is there for you.
::hug::
Ummm... can I pretend that I said this? THIS.
Hmmm... but this is true too. I am torn between what to think on this one. Both Carrie and Kendra make very, very good points. I'm sorry Bethie.
The unfortunate reality is that things change and it's often beyond our control. It happens to all of us at one time or another. I went through this in college with my BFF from third grade. We had a bit of a falling out and didn't talk for almost a year. But we eventually realized that not talking wasn't what we wanted(Poorly worded sentence, but I think you get the gist). We had to adjust our expectations of each other. We had a bit of a rocky recovery, but we've been strong. I may not call her every time there's drama (and vice versa) but we still update each other and talk every now and then. In fact, she and her family are coming to visit in April.
I'm also kind of going through this with another friend. (She was actually my MOH). There was a bit of conflict when we first moved up here and different things seem to set her off. It was really upsetting for me and most likely for her. We talked about it a bit and things improved for a while, but then there was explosion #2. After that, things got spotty. she would act rude whenever she felt like it rather than expressing a differing opinion in a polite, respectful way. DH had some bad interactions with her as well and I don't think that helped. But, I've had to realize that she may be going through things personally that she doesn't want to let out right now. She doesn't like to show weakness and I know she has her own issues to sort out. So, I just kind of dropped it and tried to move on. Sometimes I think maybe I'll ask her again what's going on, but I haven't made a move yet. Anyway, I know this situation is different from yours, but I just wanted to use it as a point that sometimes friends need space for whatever reason. She may not feel like talking about it yet or maybe she doesn't know how to be there for you right now.
I know it's hard.
I hope you guys can sort everything out, but realize that if she doesn't then she's the one totally missing out on an awesome friend.