Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Rant: MIL drama/BS (LONG)
WTF? I love my MIL but she has crossed the line...
Yesterday she was supposed to come visit Libby. She has yet to meet her and she's already 3 weeks old. At first it was because MIL was recovering from a bout of pneumonia...totally understandable.
Yesterday we were all set for her to ride out to Tulsa with her husband (about a 2 hour or so drive)...well, she cancelled. At first it was because she wasn't feeling well. Then later, she called back and told J it was because she was uncomfortable in our home because my mother lives here. She didn't want to "intrude." WTF?
Mind you, she and my mother have shared one Mother's Day breakfast back in San Jose about 8 years ago (MIL came to see us...this was before her health really turned for the worst)...and a couple of random convos when my mom has answered the phone when MIL calls the house. They actually have stuff in common (both recovering addicts, etc.) and from all accounts I've always thought they meshed well. I mean, they're not friends, but as far as inlaws, definitely cordgial and friendly.
So now, all of the sudden, my MIL has issues with the fact that my mom lives with us, gets to see Libby "whenever she wants" and feels like my mom is judgy and standoffish. Based upon....???? She was invited to Thanksgiving at my MILs and declined the invite (initially my mom said no because she didn't want to deal with the drama that is my BIL...she's heard us talk about it and I actually advised her against going. My mom has anxiety around angry people and I knew my BIL could cause anxiety for my mom. Then my mom got Shingles on Thanksgiving, so there's no way she was going anywhere). My mom said thanks for the invite, but she preferred to just stay home and rest. Somehow my MIL took that as a personal affront. I have no idea why. I swear she sits around and invents drama in her mind. She has NOTHING to do and just stews all day.
So now she's invented some tug-o-war, drama BS between herself and my mom. And I guessing it will now manifest itself over Libby. So disappointing. I am so exhausted to even care right now. I told J to invite her to come out then when my mom is at work (which is W-Sa). J talked with her and basically now his mom wants to come there...which I suspected all along. We're not going to do it. Her house is not conducive to Libby's health (I've posted about it before) and there's no way we're hauling ourselves in the car out there...we ALWAYS do. We've lived here a year and a half and she's been here ONCE...and that was because J went and got her and brought her here for a long weekend and then took her back.
I am so over it. We moved all this way to be closer to her and she cannot even come our way at all. I don't get it. Maybe we had false expectations? Let's see..."my kids move 1500 miles east to be in the city closest to my podunk town (literally...the closest town to her is called Poteau)...surely I can drive the 90 miles to see them every once in a while." Guess not.
And I am pissed. I mean, I love my job here, but I got it so we could move here. Surely I could have found a day job in CA. (Well, maybe not now...) and J is in a wonderful school program for nursing. But seriously! I live 1500 miles from ALL of my friends and family (except for my mom, which you all know how that situation is going...) and it's hard. Whatsmore...my two best friends in the world are coming out here in the coming weeks to visit. One is PG and has a 18 mo. old and both are artists, so this economy has really hit them and yet they have found the time and money to haul themselves out to visit. The other is a SAHM of three kids and is coming for almost a week. She's arranged for childcare at home, etc. so she can come for a visit. And my MIL cannot make the effort? WTF?!
Thanks for listening (reading)...you don't have to respond...you all have been MORE than supportive about my family ka-ka...it's unbelievable. I know I am not alone (and appreciate the PMs and posts saying so and sharing your tales because they DO help immensely). I just needed to get this out. J is stressed by it...his mom called today to say sorry...not sorry for pulling this crap, but sorry for telling us what she's been stewing/brewing on...UGH! Like that makes it any better. "Sorry I told you..." not "sorry I am creating this drama in my mind."
Re: Rant: MIL drama/BS (LONG)
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
Sorry you are dealing with this. Even if your mother was the biggest witch on earth, she should just suck it up and visit her granddaughter! Honestly, just don't let it get to you and don't give in or you'll be giving in on this all the time. You have a newborn, you should not be expected to worry about making her feel comfortable, especially if that means travelling 90 miles! Definately do not give in on this...I think it will set a precedent for future visits.
My MIL lives a mile from us and she sees Marino maybe once a month and that's only if DH brings him over there. It's really upsetting for my DH but I figure Marino has so many other people that adore him, I'm not going to let myself get upset over the one person who can't be bothered. But if he gets older and she starts making and breaking plans with him (when he's old enough to understand), we're going to have a big problem.
Lori, I'm so sorry! Family drama is the worst. All you can do is stand your ground and it sounds like you're doing that. Try not to let her get to you. Sometimes people overreact or make things up in their minds. My mother does this sometimes (often when she's sad or stressed about something else).
The thing I try to keep in mind is that, while the drama my mom reads into a situation may be frustrating and ridiculous to me, it's real to her. She can choose to deal with it, set it aside, or let it control her. I can't make that decision for her.
She has pulled the whole "Sorry I told you, but that's how I feel." thing a few times. The best response for me is "Sorry you feel that way, but this is how things are.". I think that's fair. She can be honest about how she feels, I can be honest back, and we move on from there. It usually turns out okay.
Word. I've already promised Libby many, many times over not to ever put her this sort of predicament..ever.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
One of the things that Rob reminds me of every time I get upset about my moms BS, is that we have a great example of what *not* to do.
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
sorry you are dealing with this!
I agree, her reasoning is ridiculous and I wouldn't give in and go visit her with a newborn either. Not that it is any consolation but I'm sure she doesn't realize what she is doing, or at least isn't doing it to be particularly difficult - from what you have said in this post and in the past I think she probably has some emotional issues. Hopefully it will all smooth over soon but try not to let it interfere with your babymoon
Sorry your MIL is being so petty Lori. I really don't understand how people can put MORE stress on a new mother already has a enough to learn about their new baby as well as the raging hormones.
I had a good relationship with my ILs until Elyse was born. They have hurt me and dissapointed me in so many ways since her birth. I don't really want to get into it right now, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in the IL drama.
Married Bio
Wow Teri, I am sorry for you too. That's just sucky. What is wrong with people?
I am not taking it personally at all, that said, I really just don't even have the energy to deal with it at all. I feel horrible for J...he's really beside himself. Since Libby was born his mom calls the house 3-4 times a day! Before they just talked once a day. And her questions are ridiculous...she'll hear Libby in the background and ask all sorts of ridiculous questions...like I'd have no idea what to do for my baby without her! Ugh.
I dunno what's going on with her...she does have issues...many like my mom, actually. Addictive behavior, abusive backgrounds (which leads to victim mentality and also grandiosity and a sense of entitlement), anxiety, etc.
But my mom is surprisingly supportive ever since Libby's birth...thank God! Started during labor and delivery and has continued....no questions or advice (other than her asking almost daily when I am going to give her a pacifier! ARG!) and as far as I can see...no judgement of what J and I are doing or not doing. So now my mom is being "normal" and MIL loses a grip?! Sheesh. Ah well...at least it's not BOTH of them going off the deep end at once.
(((HUGS))) Teri...you're not alone.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
So sorry you are going through this Lori. Sounds like your MIL is insecure and jealous of your mom. Like others have said, don't cater to her. And like you said, at least it's not both of them at once!
Nail.on.head.
Apparently she called back this afternoon (Libby & I were napping) and apologized to J saying that she is jealous of the time my mom gets with us and Libby. She didn't cop to inventing drama in her head, but she knows that we know it's her M.O. J said, "I don't want drama in my house mom, so you need to find a way to resolve this for yourself."
It's up in the air whether or not she'll be coming out here anytime soon...we shall see. ARG.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
NICE JOB J!!!
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
Ugh - so frustrating! I don't blame you for being annoyed or upset - I would be too. These kind of petty power games always piss me off...they're just so ridiculous and never actually based on anything. I agree with pps that I would stand your ground and not make the trip out to see her - because honestly, once you've done that, she'll expect it every time (at least, it sounds like she will).
Also, kudos to Joseph for this:
I'm so glad he's not afraid to man up to his mom!
what a freakin nightmare! I'm so sorry! family drama sucks! if she wants to get into it on her own, fine, but you are rightfully way too exhausted to deal with BS from people right now!
You need to get as much rest and recover. Focus on Libby. She won't know the difference for awhile, anyway. It's MILs loss to not come see the baby! She's TOO CUTE!
Ditto!
Jealous of your Mom spending more time with Libby? Puhlease! That is so childish, who needs that kind of drama?! Hang in there Lori and I'm so proud of J for standing up to her! It will all pass soon and hopefully she'll realize how she was acting (and missed out on seeing her beautiful Grandbaby because of it, *shakes head*)
I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
Wait, you move to be closer to her but yet she can't drive to meet her granddaughter?! I have so been there too, and it bites being in the middle of IL drama. I feel bad for your poor DH. My MIL passed away last November and I can't tell you how many times my DH has said he wished she came around more or was closer to us. He spent so much time & energy into forcing a relationship that just didn't exist.
I hope your MIL realizes what she's missing out on before it's too late.