Cincinnati Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL moving in?!!?!
I posted this on the relationship board but am interested in your opinion, My H asked me over the weekend what I thought about his mom moving in with us. I just told him that we would talk about it later. His mom and dad are getting divorced and she is living with her cousin at the moment. She is deaf and doesn't work or drive because of it.We just bought our house this year so we have room to spare. I don't want to be a b*tch and cause trouble but I know if she moves in it will be permanent and we will need to support her. His family never came to our wedding so I do not have a good relationship with the in laws. Note: He has a brother who is married w/no kids and sister who is single. Neither have offered up their homes for her to move into. So she has no where to go.
The H and I have been married for a year and a half and are working though a lot of problems we have discovered in our marriage and still have a long way to go.
Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions on how to handle this one?
TIA!
Re: MIL moving in?!!?!
Wow, that's tough. My personal opinion is that IL's moving in (or vice versa) is a bad idea for a marriage. I know other people feel differently. But for me this would be a no go. But it will be imperative that this not appear that you are just vetoing it out of hand which could potentially cause major problems with your husband.
I strongly suggest you two meet with a marriage counselor to help you both voice your positions in a civil and organized way. Plus it might be helpful to address some of the other issues you have alluded to.
But, honestly, moving an IL into a new marriage that is already experiencing some speed bumps seems to me to be a horrible idea. Good luck with your decision making.
I understand the position you are in. My mother has threatened my doorstep several times.
What kind of help does she need? At minimum. Are there other ways you can help her that don't involve her moving in with you? I would highly recommend you and H try to explore other plans to help her, and use moving in with you as a last resort. Can she live in an apartment nearby, or even an assisted living (since she doesn't drive) that close by so you can help as needed? Would you have to help pay for these arrangements, or could she possibly afford it? Would any of the siblings help, financially? Does MIL even *want* to move in with you or is your H just trying to protect his mom?
this
His mom is living in NY and his Dad are in Florida. She has never worked and does not have a lot of money. We aren't in a position where we can support her living in an apartment and his brother and sister don't really go out of their way. They really don't like me.
I know things are tough for her right now so i feel REALLY guilty not doing anything.
Ditto this, exactly. I'm pretty sure that this issue is going to come around for us, too, and I can honestly say that it would put a HUGE strain on our marriage. Difference being that it's my own mother, not my MIL.
I also liked the suggestion of seeing a counselor about it to help you guys talk things through and come up with a solution.
Baby GIRL EDD 5.21.13
My Blog | My Chart
2012 Races Heart Half Marathon 3.18.2012 - 1:51:01 (PR)
Flying Pig Marathon 5.6.12 - 3:50:28 (PR)
Leadville Trail Marathon 6.30.12 - 7:32:23 (not a typo)
Esri 5K 7.25.12 - 21:57 (PR)
we are in group counseling. Mostly because I hate the mid-west and we are both un happy here but we can not move back east until H finishes school, we sell our house and find jobs on the coast. (No one else needs to recommend counseling... should have put that in the original post)
Guess the point of the post is what to tell his mom because I feel guilty about the whole situation. She is living with her cousin and his kids. None of her kids have offered her help.
I would suggest contacting a social worker and found out what your options are. Depending on what level of care she needs, she may qualify for assisted living, in home care, etc. and those places can help you go in the right direction. You may want to call the Council on Aging and see if they can help you. Its not just for older people, but people who need different levels of care. I wish you the best during this difficult and trying time. Def give this a lot of thought b/c it may end up being a life long battle and you have to weigh whether or not you are able to support her forever, 24 hours a day, etc. GL & you will be in my T&P's.
And while this is unfortunate, I have had this same thing happen for years w/ multiple family members. The families (whether it be children, siblings, etc.) just don't want to deal with the responsibility. Either b/c its too overwhelming or they don't care. In either case, don't feel like its SOLELY your responsibility to take her in. Contact some places, explain the situation, and see if they can recommend a program(s) that you can look into. Like I said, she may qualify for some type of in home care or assisted living. It just means she needs a little help every now and then, not constant 24 hour nursing supervision.
Has MIL ever been self sufficient? I'm betting she went from her parents' house to her husband's and grew up in an era where she wasn't expected to support herself b/c 1-she's a woman, and 2-she has a disability. Can she get disability or Social Security? If so there should be housing programs available to her, even work training, transportation, etc. I would call some social service agencies and have them help her. She needs to learn to take care of herself. I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic.
If you do agree to let her move in I'd tell her that she can stay for a set number of months (maybe 3) and tell her that she has to do something to move towards independence while she's there. Can you come up with the money to support her on her own for a few months? Tell her that you'll pay her rent for 3 months, then she's on her own? I think there should be limits & understanding so she doesn't end up with you for the rest of her life. And honestly, if you're having problems now (I've been there) I agree that having her there might be very bad for your marriage.
Good luck & I hope the two of you can agree on something.
Oh, also, if the other siblings are old enough, maybe out of college, I think they can help. Your dh might need to meet with them so they can work something out. Don't wait for them to offer (maybe they don't know they need to offer help). Have him tell them what you need and ask them how they can help.
ETA- I didn't read the other responses so much of this is a repeat of above-sorry!
Agreed! I have re-read this thread a few times as well as the one the OP posted on the relationships board. It's hard to give her direction when her thoughts seem somewhat tangential, there is little info offered about DH's position and feelings, no info about MIL's own wants or plans, the nature of the marital probs, etc.
I think she has received great advice about contacting social service organizations as well as challenging what appears to be MIL's learned helplessness. But with MIL currently living in NY I am not sure how much assistance local organizations will provide.
OP, good luck with your tough situation. I hope you have found helpful some of the advice offered here and in the other thread.
The Deaf community is a very proud and closely knit group. In general, they don't like for their deafness to be seen as a disability (ie- most of the time it is pc to say a person with autism, a person who uses a wheelchair vs autistic person, wheelchair bound, but the Deaf community chooses to put Deaf first and capitalize it). That being said, I am sure that there are plenty of places she could go for support. There is St. Rita's School for the Deaf locally and I am sure they could offer some great resources. There is also Galludet University in DC that could be extremely helpful.
Just bc MIL is Deaf doesn't mean she can't function independently. Does she sign? Signing is becoming a big trend in early childhood education and perhaps she could find something there.