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marriage coming soon and im terrified! please help
ohkay, i feel so horrible! i dont know what to do! my bf and i have been going out for four years. unofficially, almost five years. we met when i was 15 and he was 16 and we have been steady since, but, now i think we are at the cross roads of decieding whether or not were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Marriage could be in the mix very soon. He may not be perfect but hes perfect for me, hes my best friend in the entire world, and would make the perfect husband. But heres my problem! i feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way, but i feel like i want to experiment with other men! or women! i wish my bf and i could have met when i was 25 or so, when i would be ready to settle down. my friends tell me im lucky for finding my true love so soon, but i feel the opposite! i wish he wouldnt have come around for another few years. i dont want to lose him. like i said, hes my best friend and i believe my true love, but i need to experiment and see what else is out there. what do u guys think? do you think this means i dont really love him? what should i do?
Re: marriage coming soon and im terrified! please help
If you are feeling this way, DON'T get married yet!!!! It is only going to cause trouble down the road because getting married will not change your desire to experiment, and you can guess what that means. If you are questioning where you love him or not, and you are willing to risk everything you have with him to "experiment," chances are that your love isn't very strong. I was in the same situation, my DH was my high school sweetheart and I never seriously dated anyone else, and at times I would think that maybe I should....but I knew it wasn't worth it. What I found was the greatest man for me, and why would I blow it all to regret it later? If you don't love him enough to realize that, do not get married! If you both agree to seperate for a time and do your own thing for a while, and THEN you feel ready for commitment, go for it. Until then, DON'T!
You're not ready for marriage -- with this gent -- or anybody else -- any time soon.
If you are conflicted about commitment and your sexual preference, end the relationship. This is a no brainer.
Very few 19 year olds are ready to get married. Like I said, end the relatioship; it's pretty clear you're heading in another direction. GL.
there is nothing wrong with taking a break within a relationship and then re evaluating things after you've "sewn your oats", so to speak. If you guys get married you'll probably just grow to be resentful of the fact that you never got to live out those crazy college years where you get drunk at parties, make out with random people and have some meaningless sex LOL.
Not saying that is for everyone but it sounds like although you love him, you feel slightly unfulfilled. If this is something that's really bothering you just take some time apart. If you guys are "meant" to be together than you can handle that maturely and get past it. Everyone deserves the opportunity to enjoy their teens and college years.
Don't sell yourself short.
My now-husband and I started dating when we were 15 as well, so I understand where you're coming from on that point. We got married 2.5 years ago, after 7.5 years of dating. However, neither of us have felt the need to experiment with other people, so I really can't relate there.
There is no need to rush into marriage, especially at such a young age, and especially if you are having doubts. One phrase that stands out for me in your post is "but i need to experiment and see what else is out there." In a relationship, I think it is one thing to wonder "what if we hadn't met so young," but it is another thing entirely to feel a need to experiment. That need is not a bad thing. I don't doubt that you love him very much, but something inside of you is telling you to go a different direction. I think you should follow that voice.
Think it over, and then talk to him about taking a break. Be prepared for him to feel hurt or confused; unless he is having the same desires, he is probably going to feel rejected. Don't let this stop you, though; it isn't fair to him for you to stay with him if you are questioning, and it isn't fair for you to push this need aside.
Good luck!
Just because you have been dating for 4-5 years does not automatically mean that marriage is coming soon. You're only 19.
If you are feeling that you may want to experiment with other people then it may be time to take a step back from your current relationship. I agree with PPs that open relationships usually do not end well and people get their feelings hurt. It's not fair to string someone along- you either want to be with them or you don't.
It is perfectly okay to feel the way you feel. You marry someone because you 100% know that they are the only person you want to be with. I wouldn't explore the possibility of marriage until you feel this way.
I honestly don't think you're ready for marriage. Like the PP's said, take some time, fulfill your goals, and do what you want to do. At the end of that road, if your current boyfriend is still there and you feel ready, then you could talk about it. It's not wrong for you to want something more out of life than what you are getting. If he's really your best friend, he will be there through everything. Once you have done a few more things that you want to do, then if it's right you can think about marriage.
To add, don't do something because you've been dating a set amount of time and because that is what people expect. You've been dating for 4-5 years, but there is no set amount of time you "should" be dating before you get engaged.
My advice has nothing to do with your age--if you have even the slightest doubt about a marriage, you shouldn't go through with it.
You aren't ready to be married yet. You are very young and inexperienced.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be independent to travel, experiment with new things and new people (be safe, obviously) and just be YOU for a bit, without worrying about someone else.
I dated my HS sweetheart for 8 years. I am now so glad that I didn't marry him. He's a great guy, but just not the right type of person for me.
I got married really young, had a child and I felt like I needed to expirience others as well. When I married him I had ONLY slept with him and it weighed on me throughout our marraige. He also turned into a different person which made me really want someone else. We were at a crossroads after being married for two years. He wasn't getting any better and was going out all night and his anger was getting to much for me to handle and I was tired of being depressed and waiting for him every night. We ended our marraige.
In my opinion if you want to sleep with other people you should discuss this with your significant other and let him know how your feeling. You shouldn't get married while your feeling like this because in a few years it may begin to press on you and lead to cheating. It sounds like you may need a break and be single to exxpierience life, as a single lady. Your not wrong for feeling the need to do this but it needs to be discussed
This. Everyone has said it very well, but this stands out as being exactly what I thought. If you have doubts now, they will only get worse as time goes on if you get married. Why is marriage even on you guys' radar right now? It seems like a lot of pressure to put on yourselves at age 19, and you're naturally pushing back against that pressure through your curiosity about other people. Keep dating each other if you want to, but take the pressure off yourselves by taking marriage off the table for at least, oh, 3 more years or so.
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:People your age don't have a monopoly on this particular issue (although I most certainly think that 19 is far too young to start thinking about marriage (for most people)) - but one of my closest friends just got married about 6 months ago - she's 33. Her husband is the only person she's ever been intimate with. A few months before the wedding, she was feeling a little weird about the fact that she would live her entire life without ever having experienced that with anyone else. I worry about her, and she's 33 - what happens when she starts to resent her husband for her lack of experience/variety/whatever? You can't help it if the "The One" is someone that you met early in life - that happens! And when it happens, it means that either, you will always wonder what else is out there, or, you will be so completely satisfied by that person that you won't worry about it. You seem to fit into the first category.
However, if he really is "The One", you should just talk to him about it ... you know, tell him what you're feeling and see what he's feeling... maybe he feels the same, and you could agree to back off the exclusivity for a few years and if you are still each other's "One" after college or whatever, you can move forward toward getting engaged and married.
The idea of "marriage coming soon" should never "terrify" you - which tells me that 1) marriage is not actually coming soon, despite your expectations, and 2) you need to take some time to discover what you really want (experimentation is only one way to do that). That may mean an open relationship or a breakup or just a very very open talk.
Please don't marry this man.
You are obviously not ready.
"Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts. It stays on you forever."
I agree with PPs who say it really doesn't sound like you're ready to get married, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think you should sit down with him and have a very frank talk about how you're feeling. It's possible he feels the same way.
DH and I started dating just before I graduated from high school. There was a time when I felt something like the way you're feeling now -- I didn't want to experiment with other women, but I wasn't sure that I didn't want to have fun with other guys. We broke up for a while, and while I didn't sleep with any other guys, I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted.
At 19 and 20, I had a lot of growing up still to do. It wasn't good or bad, just the way of the game. It sounds like you (and possibly your BF) are in the same boat. Why not give yourselves some time to mature and become comfortable with yourselves, with who you are, before you throw marriage into the mix?
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Your not ready if you think this way. Marriage is a serious commitment for the rest of your life. You need to decide if hes the one for you. Is he the one you want to spend your entire life with? If you don't know, then don't get married even if you are thinking about other men and/or women. Do not marry him out of guilt either because you could hurt him. You marry for love. I wish you the best.
If you have any doubt in your mind that he's not the one and if you want to be with other people, then you're not meant to marry him.
Breaking up is hard to do, but I'd say it's time to say goodbye if you want to be with other people.
Time to cut and run for a while. Even if you don't date anybody else. You are way too young to marry and haven't mixed with enough other men.
These highschool romances then marriages have a higher than average failure rate.
All of a sudden "marriage coming soon?"
On TIP you said it was "in the mix."
I think that you need to give it a break and then reevaluate in a year or so.
I got married young but was not asking the questions you are now. I believe you need to get out there and live a little and explore other options. If he really is "perfect" for you then you'll go back to him.
So just say no to marriage. There is no reason to get married NOW. If you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, then what is the rush?
I do agree with ALL of the pp's in saying don't get married yet. You may not realise this now, but you are too young. Regardless of how old and mature you feel.
BUT, don't let the previous posts make you feel that some day you are going to find a man who monopolizes every sexual thought in your head, and until you do, don't get married. It's completely normal to have desires, we are sexual beings. I am very happily married, but other men (and women) do enter my fantasies. The key is that I don't act on those 'desires' because I love DH enough to respect our exclusivity.
So, don't postpone marriage because you wonder what it'd be like to be with someone else. Postpone marriage so that you can expereince life as a young woman and figure out what you want/need from life before merging it with another.