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sex problem - long
So, my husband and I are having a problem with sex, or maybe the lack thereof. Before we got married, we decided we weren't going to have sex, but we messed around a little bit, and it was fun. He always loved to mess around. Things changed after we got married, though. During the honeymoon, we tried to have sex, but it was painful for me, so our attempts failed many times. After our week-long honeymoon, when we got home, I would try to initiate stuff, and he never seemed interested very much, except a few times he was interested after I had gotten out of the mood (because he never said he was interested). It was then that I told him that I wasn't going to initiate anymore, and he seemed fine with it, although I would still initiate occasionally. Anyway, we still haven't had sex (almost 9 months later), and our sexual encounters just keep getting fewer and further inbetween. It's been at least since before Christmas since our last time, and he doesn't seem to really care. I know he's not having an affair or anything, but it seems like he doesn't even want me at all, whereas before the wedding, he couldn't get enough of me. Even when we do have "sex", he barely touches me at all (although he does occasionally ask what he can do for me, but I know he just wants to get to the punch line, so I don't torture him). When I asked him about it, he said that he didn't like doing anything b/c we aren't actually able to have sex, and he wanted me to use my dialators (which I try to use, but they are painful and discouraging), and he didn't like it that I was hairy. I do have quite a bit of hair down there, but we don't have money to waste on waxing all the time, and shaving is not very effective and painful/itchy within a day of shaving. It grows back within a couple of days. I guess that brings me to my ultimate question:
Is me being hairy really that big of a deal?
I know there are a lot of things in here that people will attack (our decision to not have sex until we got married), but I am not looking for your judgment about that. Should I just get over all of this or what?
Re: sex problem - long
Ok, There are more problems in that mess than just you being "hairy". If that's what your main concern is I would say get some trimmers and at least keep yourself neat and tidy. You don't have to shave, just keep it trimmed and short. That is only going to get you so far. If you have had problems in the past and have had to use dilators, then you probably need to start using them again. Sex is probably no fun for your husband if he thinks he is hurting you, or you seem uninterested because it hurts.
Really, you need to just sit down with your husband and talk about it.
Some guys really don't like a bush and like it nude down there. I know my FI alternates between the two. He stops doing oral on me I get the picture that he doesn't want hair down there. I get, I don't like hair on him when I give him oral. So I either shave or don't, it's up to you. There is also at home waxing kits that are pretty cheap and give good results.?
As a PP said, there is more to this just his dislike of hair. Have you really in detail talked to your doc about this. How many times have you used the dialators? It's one of those things where if you stop your physical therapy before an injury is healed, everything you done before is thrown out the door. ?
This is much more than your physical issues with sex. The hair can be trimmed (someone posted a "sugar" recipe here in the last few days and it sounds pretty easy to do and is better than wax - and cheap).
And this is just screaming at me:
He barely touches you? He just wants to get to the punch line? Without foreplay he's going to have a hard time getting anywhere and no wonder you're having problems in the bedroom. Seriously, if he just wants a 'wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" then he should hire a prostitute. YOU, however, are not some whore, you are HIS WIFE and he should treat you as such.
I know you said things are tight, but you need to get yourselves to counseling ASAP. As in yesterday. If you don't you're going to be miserable. You deserve to be treated as an equal in your relationship and that includes sex, too.
And, to be honest, I'd stop initiating too if I kept getting turned down and on the off chance I wasn't blown off I felt like just a hole in a mattress!
This picture is hopelessly skewed.(and this post and problem is yet another reason why I do not advocate "virgin marriages.")
You can also try a dipilatory -- there are many good ones sold in drug stores -- though the problems in this marriage is not entirely due to the fact that you're allegedly too hirsute. What did he expect to find in your pubic area anyway?
Even when we do have "sex", he barely touches me at all (although he does occasionally ask what he can do for me, but I know he just wants to get to the punch line, so I don't torture him).
What's happening here? What exactly does "he barely touches me at all" consist of?
You've also said this:
Anyway, we still haven't had sex (almost 9 months later), and our sexual encounters just keep getting fewer and further in between. It's been at least since before Christmas since our last time, and he doesn't seem to really care.Counseling for the both of you -- and joint sex counseling for you both, as well.
This behavior isn't healthy or right. You two aren't dealing with virgin blues here.
If he refuses to see a sex therapist with you and also refuses couples counseling, I very strongly suggest YOU decide what it is YOU want. Love doesn't conquer all.
I'd consider having this marriage annuled in a civil court if he refuses to see both counselors with you. There's no way this situation is going to rectify itself and no way that some kind of healthy basis will root itself in this "marriage."
If sex is important to you, why would you want to stay in a marriage where there is no sex at all...and why would you pursue marriage where there doesn't appear to be a healthy basis for one?
It amamzes me that with ALL the issues you have going on here, your concern out of the whole mess is....Am I too hairy?
That alone makes all the rest of it seem very logical!
Please get some help for the 2 of you if you really want this game of house to continue.
This exactly. Please get some help before it's too late!
Ditto all of this.
Ok, the hair thing is a big deal for some guys, but not for all guys. Just like him being hairy might not be an issue for you, but other women prefer their men not hairy. If your DH doesn't dig the hair, follow the advice of PPs and trim it up, or shave it. Routine maintenance will take care of that in only a few minutes throughout the week. Problem solved. (Of course, I'm not advocating this if you're uncomfortable with it---Just if it is something you're willing to try.)
However, I think the bigger problem here is the enourmous lack of communication between you and your DH. You two need to sit down and have a real conversation about sex, and how much you both want to have it. It sounds like you want to have sex, but it's painful for you. Ask yourself, if sex was not painful, would you want it once per week? Twice? Every day? Think about what your expectations are for your marriage, and ask him to do the same. This is the horribly unromantic part of being married, but I think it is really important for you. If you cannot get to the bottom of it, I suggest sex therapy. Find a counselor who specilizes in sex and/or marriage. This is a problem you really need to work through as soon as possible!
Good luck!
You both need to sit down and discuss it. It's not going to go away on it's own. First thing, invest in some lube, it will make things easier. Don't be afraid to use alot of it either ( though a little bit does go a long way). You should look into buying some toys in different sizes to help you get work up to his size. Foreplay helps alot to get you ready so if that's not happening it's part of the problem. Also I'd talk to your doctor about it to make sure that medically there's nothing wrong. As for the hair, you can trim, and shaving doesn't mean you have to take it all off. I'm sure this will be TMI but for me the lips don't itch when the hair grows back, but the upper part does so I trim that, shave the rest. If you don't want to go that route you can try things like nair. For me they don't work.
Well, hair is a big deal to some men, just like it's a big deal to some women. There are ways to remove hair, or trim.
BUT hair is the least of your problems, as PPs have said. I waited until I was married, too, and although the first couple weeks were not the greatest sex while we learned each other's preferences and experimented, my H always tried to be thoughtful and consider my satisfaction, too. I would not have put up with nine months of no real sex and my husband not even touching me. You don't have to put up with it, either. He's using you -- as Geek put it -- for his own gratification and doing nothing for yours. Sex should not be so one-sided like that.
I'd advise you to find a counselor who specializes in sexual issues, because I think you're probably going to need professional help with all of this. This is so much more than just a hair issue.
First off, PLEASURING YOU IS NOT TORTURE!!
Ok, I feel better now.
Men love to pleasure women. I will put money on the fact that one of the reasons that your DH has been passing on sexual contact with you is because he figures it won't be good for you and that just doesn't feel good to him. Bluntly, men love to get things right, and the female body is a very complicated piece of machinery, so once they crack the code, they feel very proud of themselves. Let him feel proud.
My big question to you would be: Have you *ever* had an orgasm? Solo or with a partner? If so, think about what it took to get you there and help your DH recreate that. If not, it is time to figure out what will get you to an orgasm. Trust me, once you have one orgasm, it is easy to get there again...it is like your body needs to drive the road once, so it recognizes the signs.
The reason that sex has been unpleasant for you is that you are not physically ready for intercourse when he penetrates you. There are so many physiological changes in the female sex organs that occur with arousal. Without those changes (lubrication, swelling, etc.), intercourse is going to be painful. FOREPLAY GETS YOU READY. You deserve to be ready. Your DH wants you to enjoy sex. Let him help you enjoy sex.
(Just imagine if you went to your DH's work, stopped him in the hallway and said "Do me now!" Do you really think his penis would instantly become erect? No...even in the youngest horniest guys, there has to be something that starts the engine. You are no different. Again, you deserve to be ready.)
Now, go to your OB/GYN and see if there is anything physically wrong with your vaginal opening (incompletely opened hymen).
Trimming: you mustn't let the lawn get too high. Few people want to have to machete their way to your clitoris, so clear the pathway to your pleasure. You don't need to be porn star bare, but getting a short pair of scissors and clipping your hair to 1/2" isn't difficult. Plus, it is kind of sexy, knowing that you are getting ready for sex.
Here is my final bit of advice: You have to reset your thoughts about sex. Currently, you feel defeated and disappointed about sex. Of course you wouldn't want to do something that hurts or makes you feel bad about yourself! It is time to retrain your brain to think about sex as a positive thing.
Start with seeing yourself in a sexy light. When you are going to work, look in the mirror and see yourself as a guy would see you -- young, vibrant and sexy. Even try saying to yourself "Damn, I am hot!" Ask your husband to tell you one thing about yourself that he finds sexy.
Now, MASTURBATE! Yes, I know it sounds weird given that you have a willing sex partner, but first, you need to figure out your body. So tell your DH that you are going to try masturbating twice a week to create a groove. Tell him that you want a 10 minute head start, then he can join you. He can't have intercourse with you (set a time limit of 4 weeks), but he can come and masturbate with you. He will be quite titillated at the thought that you are getting excited in the bedroom. You should go into the bedroom with whatever is going to turn your crank. Perhaps you like visual porn, perhaps you like written erotica. Now, lay there, stroke your body, get to know it, get to like it. Your clitoris has 8000 nerve endings. Your pubic area is designed for pleasure - exploit it! The female body is generally capable of multiple orgasms in a session, so don't limit yourself to just one.
Once you have masturbated to orgasm (which will make you lubricated and relaxed) you will want to try the dilators because they won't feel pointless. There is a lot of pleasure to be found in a clitoral orgasm with vaginal penetration.
This is surmountable problem and one whose solution will greatly add to the happiness of your life. Don't get defeated, get busy!
This. One hundred percent. I hate to say this, but your DH sounds like a selfish arsenozzle. Sex is fun, sex is incredibly pleasurable, but it is also a connection above all things. Your H doesn't seem to get that. You deserve more than to be treated as a pleasure machine. He can purchase a talking blowup doll if he wants one of those.
IMHO, it sounds like you're focusing on the hair issue because it's easily fixable. However, you two have some serious issues to work out, and I highly recommend finding a professional that you feel comfortable seeing.
Thank you so much for all your help everyone. I really appreciate all the great advice, and I will be taking everything under advisement and talking to my husband soon once I get everything sorted out. I feel much better now knowing that I have some options on what to do. Thanks again!
My H loves the whole concept of women being completely shaven. However, I don't do that. And sometimes- yes, I take some time between shaving and it gets "unruly". However, my H is just as happy to have sex with me when all I almost have jungle bush going on as he is when I have just a landing strip. I get that a bush isn't necessarily "sexy" to all men, but I would think that a man who loves you wouldn't care what you had going on down there as long as he could be close and intimate with you.
Please look into marital counseling. I think they also have sex counseling. Yes, this is partially a physical sex issue (i.e. painful), but it's also showing that there is something VERY wrong in your marriage. If you haven't- I would also suggest seeing a doctor about the pain issue. It might not just be a matter of the fact that you waited to have sex. Sometimes that pain is indicative of a medical issue.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I haven't read anyone else's reply so I hope I'm not repeating too much but here it goes......
Openness, honestly and trust are three of the biggest components to a healthy, happy and satisfying sex life. I learned that the hard way. The absolute best thing you can do is go together, as a married couple, to 1.) your doctor to try to find a way to solve the "sex is painful" issue and don't be afraid to get a little wild and crazy! If it works and it helps it's not one's business but your own, right? and 2.) seek a marriage counselor NOW. I know it sounds cliche but intimacy and sex is so much more than just the physical and your marriage will fall apart if you aren't able to enjoy each other sexually.....another lesson I had to learn the hard way. I will tell you though that in my completely unprofessional opinion it doens't sound like there's a reason why you can't overcome this and enjoy a happy healthy marriage as long as you make it a priority to work to over come this, TOGETHER. It sounds to me like your husband strongly desires to have sex with you but it's not fun for him if it hurts you.
Hair: as vain as it may sound, yes for some men it is that big a deal. And then again, for some men it's not. You should ask him. And if getting waxed means you can have better sex with your husband, I'm inclinded to say it's not a waste of money although I know where you're coming from. If you're looking for a less expensive but not as long lasting option they make tons and tons of special shave products for bikini shaving and buying a good razor helps too. I have a Venus Breeze and LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Best thing I ever purchased.
I hope some of this helped! I wish you all the luck in the world!
Nair $5.75
You can afford that.
This is a man's perspective,...so I suppose it will be wrong here....
The 'hair' thing is just an excuse thrown up by a man who is deeply disappointed about his failed marriage and sex-life, which looked so promising in the beginning.
There are some clear pointers in your text which other posters have not commented on;.....
........"...... after I had gotten out of the mood (because he never said he was interested)...."
....".... When I asked him about it, he said that he didn't like doing anything b/c we aren't actually able to have sex, and he wanted me to use my dialators (which I try to use, but they are painful and discouraging)..."
...".... It was then that I told him that I wasn't going to initiate anymore, and he seemed fine with it...."
This man is now chained to a disfunctional wife and he does not know what to do about it. He needs help just as much as you do, possibly more because he has lost his lover and his dream. Most men don't get married for the stuff thqt women do. They may SAY they do, and they may get the idea eventually, with enough disclosure to the wife. However, the real reason why a man takes a wife is entirely based on his relationship with his lover and when that does not fully develop he is 'up the creek without a paddle'.......
This isn't my post.. and I mostly lurk.. BUT. I think that was a bit harsh. Calling the OPP disfuntional is uncalled for. Maybe re-read what you just posted old, and rephrase.. if I were the OPP i'd be offended. She didn't come on here to be called names, or made to feel bad about her situ, or issue. She came for advice, and to share her thoughts/feelings about what is going on in her life right now. Have some compassion when offering advice or opinions.
I would ask your husband if your hair is at all an issue... because for a lot of guys, it can be. Shaving is not just for looks, it has a lot to do with hygene as well... for your lack of sex issue, I would reccommend communication. I'm sure counseling could help but I would try to sort it out first.
I can however give you a litte advice should you decide to shave. First, I'm sure you know that a hot shower opens the hair folicles and makes it easier to shave and reduces razor burn. Make shaving the last thing you do in the shower. Also I have found that exfoliating before you apply shaving cream can help a bit (I just use my apricot face scrub.) and after you dry off, apply baby powder, and again every day, maybe go commando so that your underwear doesnt irritate the area. shaving often can let your skin become more used to it... but other than that, itching and razor burn does happen... just another draw back of female hyenic tendancies
this to me sounds absolutely rediculous. marriage is an eternal COMMITTMENT and anyone who suggests it is okay to divorce or end such a commitment is seriously skewed. Shes not being beaten or cheated on... issues CAN be resolved, and a lack of sex is a stupid reason to leave your husband. they make toys for a reason. sex is more important to me than it is to most people... but marriage should mean more to everyone than getting laid. dont get married if youre going to leave over such things.
I personally do not agree with virgin marriages, however, I commend this girl for trying to make an effort instead of just throwing her marriage away. And honey... if you both were virgins, he might be wanting to experience other things? maybe you two should spice it up a bit? play some games, buy some outfits and toys? do whatever it takes. I'm sure it will all work out for you my dear
I'm so glad someone else was thinking this!! Some of your DH being distant in bed could be he feels like you're uninterested since you don't tell/show him things you like or want!
Men LOVE satisfying women, even if its not through full on sex. Don't get me wrong - they still want to get off themselves - but helping you out first usually helps them enjoy it even more!
I know telling him can be a little scary, that's where the masturbation becomes handy
and "guiding" him along never hurts either. You can explore together! - And that's fun 
Good LUCK! - I really hope you guys work this out ... just remember: if this marriage is something you both want and are willing to work for it will work! You just have to both want it.
God Bless
As others have said, way more going on than just hair!! Get to an OBGYN and have a check up. find out if there is anything going on. Have you had a papsmear ever?
Secondly, to what the male poster said, yes, your husband has no idea what to do with you. No honorable man wants to have sex with a woman if it hurts her.
I'm not a doctor, but it does sound as if maybe you just weren't quite ready yet, your body wasn't primed, so then you try to have sex for the first time ever like that with nerves etc...of course it was going to painful.
Now all this build up of one of you wants sex, the other doesn't, now you do, there's a lot of frustration & tension built up and you can't relax. Do what one of the other ladies said. You need to get to know your own body. Then start bringing your man into it. Let him watch and/or join in. Do this under the pretense that the final goal is not "sex" but rather for you both to orgasm "some way". As you do this over time, you will naturally want to have sex eventually, once your body is primed and ready to go. you need to take off the tension around sex. It's supposed to be fun.
Regarding the hair...yes clean it up. trim it, shave it, wax it something. no one is saying you have to go bare.
Splurge and get it waxed=if this does not make a difference then you can move on knowing if that is the problem! Fool around in the morning before work and send him sexual texts throughout the day. At dinner have a glass of wine (beer margaritas, whatever will help you relax) and fool around again. Use lots of lubricant and get on top some guys like the woman to be in control but give him direction throughout the entire time this way you can control the position and hopefully control the pain factor!! Take things slow and remember sexuality is very important to men regardless of whether or not he will truly admit to it. act like you enjoy it and even fake it to make him feel like a man this might help with his confidence and begin your sexual part of the marriage!
Hi there,
A real newbie here but had to reply to your post. You have vaginismus. It's a highly treatable problem and can be 'fixed' over the course of a few months. It doesn't matter how much lube you use rght now as the problem is in your mind, not with your body. Have a google of primary vaginismus and you will see that you fit the criteria. Also, check out vaginismus.com. It's an excellent place for you to start your healing. Best of luck