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Married for 5 months and already sex problems
To start off, we don't have sex very often.. on average twice a week. The last month I think we did it 3 times.. maybe four? I am almost always ready to go, and usually the one to initiate sex.
I started a new job recently and have been gone a lot, but when I came home one day I found he had been looking at porn, which I thought he stopped doing a long time ago (please spare me the lectures about porn being OK, this isn't about him watching porn). So, I asked him if something was wrong and we ended up talking for two hours about our sex issues. He says that he hasn't been able to enjoy sex for two years. TWO EFFING YEARS and he doesn't mention it, not once? In the past two years when I felt that we hit lulls, I asked him what was wrong and reminded him that I am always up to trying new things, working on our sex life but I never got much of a response from him.
Now, 5 months after being married he's not bothering to come to me for his sexual needs, and turns down all of my advances. During our two hour talk we agreed we'd spend the next month concentrating on our sex life more, but I feel like I'm the only one trying... and I tell him that but, again, he doesn't really respond. This whole ordeal took me completely off guard because we talk about everything, are so close, and I really thought he would tell me about any problems he has. This has made me step back and reevaluate our relationship, and I told him that as well. He says he enjoys the intimacy of sex, but not the actual pleasure, and the thinks it is because he has gained weight.
All I want to help him enjoy sex again, and I don't want to wait for him to shed pounds before he does. I am trying to subtly use the Nest's "30 days to great sex" article, pulling out all the stops and even considering butt secks (which I know he's wanted to do, and I told him we could but he has never brought it up since we got the lube and stuff). I don't want to overwhelm him, so I'll be trying different things one night at a time, but I need to get him into the bedroom for all of that, and he's making it difficult. He won't stop playing computer games to get sexed up.
I think he's a bit depressed, too, because of weight gain and financial issues, but I try to stay positive for him... and I thought sex would be a nice release but apparently not if he can't enjoy it.
I was so heartbroken when this discussion took place the other night. It's very difficult to be young and newlywed hearing your DH say he can't enjoy sex with you. I expected sex problems in marriage, but certainly not in the first few months.
Any relevant advice would be greatly appreciated 
Re: Married for 5 months and already sex problems
Do you think he could possibly be depressed?
If yes, then he needs to see a physician.
The fact that he doesn't enjoy sex also suggests he needs to see a physician.
I'm sure you shocked and overwhelmed by this. First step is really to see his PCP and describe his symptoms.
Here we go again...the dreaded "P" issue rears its head.
And there is NO COMMUNICATION between the two of them. This marriage is already just peachy perfect.
This whole marriage is problematic. And he quit having sex altogether.
To a counselor the both of you -- and to a sex counselor as well. YOu both need to learn how to communicate; neither one of you is a mind reader.
It could be about him watching porn... maybe not. You didn't go into great detail about the conversation regarding the porn, so I really don't know.
Its the second part that I would like to comment on. Google Sexual Anorexia and see if you find any information that may be relevant to you. If it sounds like he might be Sexually Anorexic then seeking professional help will do wonders for you. Even if he isn't it might not be a bad idea.
My DH and I had some problems with weight, sex, porn, stress, depression stuff before we got married. You should try fluffling his ego. Just compliment him on his physical appearance, "You have such strong arms!" when he opens a jar for you that you really could have opened yourself. Make him feel manly. Men are just like us, they want sex more when they feel sexy.
Work on your communication, and if that means couseling for both of you, do it. I understand he already knows all this, but an outside opinion will help.
The porn was a problem for me. I felt rejected because I have a very active sex drive and he was watching porn rather than coming to me. I honestly felt cheated on. I don't need to be criticized for feeling that way, thanks, but that's just how it felt. You may need to address your feelings about him watching porn.
Start doing something active together that will help him lose weight and also fight the depression. Perhaps start walking after work, exercise can make you feel sexy, accomplished, happier and all sorts of good things. The biggest issue I see though is the communication.
Good luck. This can all be worked out, but you both have to put forth effort.
The porn was a problem for me. I felt rejected because I have a very active sex drive and he was watching porn rather than coming to me. I honestly felt cheated on.
How wrong is this? Another one with "i felt cheated on"? Sheesh...What's wrong with that? Am I not entitled to feel any way I want? It's not like I can control feeling rejected and cheated on. He was watching porn 5+ times a day (and hiding it) and only having sex with me once every week or two. That's a problem. We fixed it. Thanks for being critical of me, but I don't need you to tell me I'm wrong.
Zest is correct in asking if he's depressed. A lot of men and women experience libido issues as a result of stress and depression.
Depending on any other symptoms (ED, Decreased Libido, Fatigue), he should also have his thyroid levels checked- many times depression and decreased libido are the first presenting signs & symptoms. GL!
I'm totally pro-porn, but I agree with this. This was a slight problem earlier in my marriage, actually before we were married. He'd watch a lot of porn and spank it so much he had no mojo left for me, and that WAS a problem. When it came down to it, the problem was the spanking, and not the porn, but the porn led to the spanking. He managed it better, and we're fine now. He watches on his own still, but saves some mojo for me.
We actually watch porn together quite a bit!
She said he did.
Thanks for all the constructive input, and the reason I didn't go into detail about the porn is because I've lurked enough to know there are women here that feel the need to criticize other people's opinions... and that topic, especially, opens a can of worms.
Ashley, sounds like you had the exact same problem- I was reading it and relating entirely. We're taking your advice and doing active things together, and we've talked some more about it. We will seek professional help, but right now we're taking baby steps so he doesn't feel too much pressure.
Actually, no, and I really hope you don't go through life thinking you are "entitled" to feel any way you want and to expect others to bend to your whims.
Glad you can totally control all your feelings. And I don't remember saying that I expected others to bend to my whims. You guys are the ones expecting me to change my feelings to better suit what you think is right. Sorry, I don't think I'm wrong. Why can't anyone just agree to disagree? The original post wasn't even about me, so can't we just drop it?
I have been married 5 months and have the same problem as you, down to every little detail - it was uncanny reading your post.
My husband knows its a problem and he got the courage to go ask his Dr about it. Get this - the Doctor told him it's COMPLETELY NORMAL for a man to not want sex at his age (29!!). Can you believe that? The doctor made my husband feel like an idiot for asking the question.
So now what do we do?
(
Well, it sounds like he's willing to try to work on it, so that is good. it's a shame he didn't speak up sooner, but I can't say I blame him b/c your reaction could have really scard him. I would be upset too if MH was routinely watching porn instead of having sex with me (I don't mind it a little, honestly, I think a little self pleasure is fine as long as the rest of your relationship is ok). But, it sounds like you two haven't really talked about this before, so I think you both share the blame in creating this problem. I think it's great that you both want to work on it, that is a great sign. But, I would try and work on other areas of the relationship too (don't focus so much on sex). IMO, it all goes hand in hand. If he is depressed, he needs to get help for that. Since it sounds like you two could improve on communicating with each other a bit, you can either read up on that together or see a therapist as well.
GL!