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Step-parenting is over rated: VENT!!!
As many of you know, I am a step-mom. I have a 14 year old step-daughter, and a 16 year old step-son. Being a step-parent is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had step-parents my entire life (my parents divorced when I was 3) so I never thought too much about the crap that comes with it. In any case, my cry for help is two fold.....
My step-daughter is amazing. We have a very good relationship and don't have to work at it. I've just had a gut feeling lately that she's not happy. I don't know why, but I feel that. I want to talk with her about it and see if she opens up - she's been pretty quiet the past few weeks and I know something's up. She has several friends that reach out to me frequently and one of them started IM-ing me on FB last night and told me that she's made some comments to her about not being excited about anything and being scared of high school next year. I am going to casually go into her room when she's watching TV this weekend (they are with us every other weekend) and strike up some dialogue and see if I can get her to open up. Any other suggestions?
Now the crappy part....and I feel awful writing this, but I'm hoping I'm in a 'safe' place to do it. I cannot stand my step-son. I have tried, and I just can't. He is a smart-mouthed, unlikeable, know-it-all brat. MH and I discuss it periodically and pretty much we've agreed that I will be cordial but that's it. He's the kind of kid that does obnoxious things just to be difficult and get a rise out of you. I know that he's a teenager and it comes with the territory, but if he was my kid.....oh boy, would things be different. He was at our house yesterday and it was all I could do not to smack him. His indifference and disrespect to adults is appalling. I don't think there is anything anyone can say to make me see it differently at this point, but I need to get it out. There is a very long story about why I think he behaves this way (his mother is a nut) but no one wants to read as much as I would write! 
15 more months until this child is 18 and clearly I am counting the days.
It's just SO frustrating to have such little control, and know that you would raise your children so differently. MH and I are in agreement that when they are with us we will do the best that we can to infuence them positively, but we can only do so much when they are with us so little. Grrrrrrrr!
Re: Step-parenting is over rated: VENT!!!
I can't help you with your step-son. That sucks unfortunately - especially if he's modelling his behaviour off of someone else. At sixteen, he's not likely to change unless a parent lays down the law. Out of curiosity, what's his relationship like with his Dad?
As for your step daughter, here's what I say when approaching kids, "Hey, your energy level has been really down lately. Do you want to talk about it?" and from there, I'll keep up the neutral, non-judgmental inquiry. If she is worried about high school, I think one of the most important things is to not dismiss those fears - it's okay to be scared of a new situation! Try to work out exactly what it is about high school that worries her - and, of course, don't let her know a friend IMed you.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that. I'm not a step-mom, but I do have two younger step-siblings that I lived with when I was a teenager. My step-sister is great, but my stepbrother sounds very similar to your step-son. Disrespectful to my mom and step-dad (whom I adore), lazy, basically a jerk. Since growing up and moving out, I have pretty much cut him out of my life. Which is fine with me, but I hate how he hurts his dad.
I wish I had better advice for you other than to just be patient, but I don't. Unfortunately, you are in a position where you cannot do much to change things.....that's the hard part of step-parenting. There's only so much you can do when you didn't raise him from the start. All I can say is be patient....in the grand scheme of things, 15 months is do-able! And, of course, you can always vent here!
I'm not a step-parent, but I am a stepdaughter (several times over in fact
) and I think this is excellent advice:
There isn't much you can do about your stepson other than suck it up and be patient, and I know you know that. It's a sucky situation and I wish there was something I could suggest, but nothing comes to mind. Hopefully in 10 years this can be a phase you both will look back on and he'll say, "Wow I was really a dickhead, sorry!" and you'll be able to laugh and agree. And if not, well...oh well.
As for your stepdaughter, kaesha's advice was right on the money...but I'd add, please don't get upset if she doesn't want to talk to you about it. At her age, the good news is that it's less likely to be about you (i.e., "I don't like or trust my stepmom so I'm not going to talk to her") and more about her (i.e., "I'm a normal teenage girl with whacked out hormones and nerves and I just want to be left alone").
It sounds like she's just having normal teenage fears to me, and I hope she'll open up to you, but if she doesn't, don't push it because that might make her close off even more...just be patient and try again in a few days or a week. A casual, "Hey, you seem kind of down, everything OK?" should do it, and if she doesn't want to talk about it, you could always suggest that the two of you go do something that you know she enjoys (shopping, ice cream, whatever) - she might volunteer the information herself if she's feeling relaxed and comfortable, as long as you don't push the issue. Good luck!
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
I read a thing about talking to your kids (step kids are still your kids). It said that it is often easiest to talk to them when you are driving. The child feels comfortable. There is no eye contact and you both have equal ground and similar posture. I don't know much behind the research of body language... but, the driving talk does seem to work well.
I have never been a stepmom, but I am divorced with a daughter. She has a stepmom and a stepdad (my H). With two houses, I have always taught her "house rules". She is to respect her stepmom - whatever she says goes, when she is at that house. I don't know how long you've had shared custody with your stepkids. Is his behavior new or something that has gone on for years? It might be time to draw a clear line - when the kids are in your home, you expect whatever-whatever. If they are disrespectful or do not follow house rules, they will not be allowed whatever-whatever (car, phone, internet... whatever you pay for that they don't... that can go away until they understand what you are providing and respect you for everything that you do for them). While that needs to be the end result, I think teens do not do well with having rules dictated to them. You'll need to figure out a way to talk to him in the light of "this is not working... what do you think could be better?" hearing him out and then, getting your turn to say what needs to be said.
My daughter is only 8. I think it will be very hard when she is a teen. I'll take whatever advice you have.
Newlyweds since 2007
I know how you feel I have a step daughter that is 21 now.She pretty much only bothered with us when she was getting something or wanted something,my husband and I got into many arguments while she was growing up.For her graduation we payed for half of every thing and I payed for her dress out of my own pocket and when it came time for ar invites she told her Dad yo are invited but I dont want Natalie thier I dont have enought tickets for her to go.Her Dad got angry and told her she did so much work to help you get ready and you can't even invite her,he told her I'm not going either if you wanna treat Natalie like that.
For our wedding we payed for her plane tickets and rented a bigger condo so she can stay with mike and I and my 2 kids, we gave her notice and booked every thing many months before we left.Two weeks before we were leaving she canceled on us and said she didnt save any money.We offered to give her spending money because thats all we asked her to bring and we would cover every thing else but she said she coulnt offrord to take time off from work.
I know how hard it is to raise teenagers and step childern hang in thier,my son is turning 19 next week and my daughter is 16 and thier are so many ups and downs..Thier are many days I think to my self omg when are these kids gonna grow up.I have gone through and still go through so many stages with my kids,I remember when my daughter was just going to high school she was really worried to but after a week she said to me why was I so worried!!Being a teen theses days thier is so much pressure to fit in,but trust me she will make it through.
Sorry to hear that your step-son is so difficult. 15 more months to go!
All the other pp's have given you great advice about your step-daughter so I have nothing to add. Just wanted to say we're here when you need to vent!
Thanks ladies, all excellent points. I feel like I'm on the right path with my stepdaughter (Ashley). It's funny you mentioned talking while driving - that is usually when I get my best info! I can definitely tell when there's some hormonal imbalances so I know that this is something a little more. And I can certainly apprecaite being nervous for high school - who isn't?!?
I'll try to talk to her but won't push to hard. My feeling is always that people (stepchild or not) share things with you when they are ready. I'm just grateful that she trusts me....and that her friends do too and clue me in to stuff! It's very helpful that her friends want to be my friend on FB (Ashley isn't allowed to have FB - mom won't let her) and text me. I definitely never share what they tell me, and she knows they contact me a lot which is good. Kids are so infuential with each other so knowing that her friends like me is big. Fingers crossed that she is feeling open next weekend!
As for the other one....grrr. MH and I have a lot of rules and when he's in out house, the rules are followed. At home, he rules the roost and has no boundaries and his mother does everything for him (including wipe his ass, I'm certain). He gets reprimanded at our house, gets things taken away, and he doesn't care. Because 24 hours later he's back home being catered to.
Teenagers are tough. Plain and simple. They've been "mine" since they were 9 and 11 and I'm the first step-parent, even though their parents have been divorced for 13 years. It's a tough road.
ditto this!
everyone else has given you great advice but i just wanted to say that i totally agree about the talking in the car thing. i recently had to apologize to my mom while she was visiting for being a little short with her... i hate confrontations...and i decided to talk to her about it while we were driving. i never thought about why i did that until reading that post, but it makes total sense!
i hope she decides to open up to you but if not, i agree that you shouldn't take it personally. just give her some time. and sorry about your step-son!
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your SD, and I for one think she is lucky to have you! I grew up with a stepmom, and I consider to be my second mom. I love her so much!
My sister... didn't feel the same way. She was always Daddy's Girl and never really got comfortable with the my stepmom. I know your situation is different because SS is acting up and clearly has an attitude problem, but I just wanted to reiterate that it's probably not anything you're doing, or could be doing, to solve the problem. Some people just have to get over their own issues before they can play well with others.
My stepbrother acted out a LOT in his adolescent years. I chalked it up to typical boy rebellion stuff (I was 16-21), but my dad reacted poorly to it. They spent 5 years being civil to each other. They barely acknowledged each other's existence and wouldn't be in the same room together unless it was a holiday dinner. Even then, there'd be no discussion between the two of them at the table. They'd talk to everyone else, but not each other. It made for a few uncomfortable situations, but honestly, it wasn't the end of the world. They each went their separate ways and there was no screaming or fighting, like there was before.
I'm not sure exactly when it happened because I'm in Ohio now, but sometime in the last few years they actually started getting along again! When I was home for my sister's wedding last year, they were talking together like everything was fine between them. And I was shocked when my stepmom went out of town for a week, and Dad said my brother was coming over every day to help him with a big renovation project. Just the two of them! Voluntarily!
Anyway, I guess my point is that some situations don't have an easy fix, and it can take a long time for them to resolve (if they ever do). But if my dad and brother could work out their VERY numerous differences, there's always a chance that your SS will come around someday. I hope that's helpful for you!
Is your SD in a middle school? I was petrified about going to HS. I was in the same elementary school where I lived from K-8. Then all the sending districts went to the same high school. Than I thought it would be ok because I was a cheerleader, so I had practice over the summer at the school and plenty of time to get to learn the layout of the school and its surroundings, but when that first day of school came and my mom tried to drop me off, I wouldn't get out of the car. Seriously. I made her drive around the block until someone I knew was standing where I could see them. She probably drove around the block 5-10 times before I would get out of the car.
Oddly enough, I was just as anxious the day before I left for college!
Anyway, I hope she gets to work out some of her fears before the actual day. The sooner she can get past them, the better off she will be. I think your approach sounds good, and I like the thing about driving too - as long as whatever she ends up saying doesn't cause you to crash!
Let us know how it turns out. It's hard being 14!
I don't really have any advice to add since everyone already did a splendid job on that. Just wanted to state that I have an idea what you're going through, although I'm not fully in your spot....yet.
My step-son is only 5 (I've been around since he was 1 years old). Since he's always known me to be around, I haven't had many issues with him listening to me...although I am waiting for the day where he tells me "I don't have to listen to you you; you're not my mom". I am definitely the disiplinary one out of the three of us (hubby and baby's mama). Our house has a lot of rules compared to his mom's house (we only get him on the weekends) and she gives him EVERYTHING (does a 5 year old really need a wii, xbox, playstation and a psp?! Isn't one game system enough?!). His mom has already called us several times because her son won't listen to her. He knows he can get away with murder at her house. :oP ::sigh:: I'm worried to how he will be when he's 16.