Funerals

lola808 · March 2010

A good friend of mine just lost her mom to cancer. I'll be attending the service, but I'm not really sure what's appropriate to give.

I don't know if this is a local thing, but often times people include money in their sympathy cards. We always did that when it was family (to help with expenses), but now that I have to go to the service of a friend's family member, I'm not sure what the proper etiquette is. I don't really know anyone in the family but her.

What do you guys usually do in the case of funerals? Money or not? And, if so, how much is appropriate for this type of occasion?

It's a lot easier to think about these things when the occasion is celebratory.

MrsNicole&Brian808 · March 2010

Hey Melissa. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's mom. We normally give cash, as well, but in this case...how about donating some money to a cancer charity in memory of your friend's mom? Some people did that for my grandma a couple of years ago. We really appreciated the thought. I think the foundation/charity then sends a notification to the family that a donation was made in their family member's memory. You can still take a nice sympathy card to the actual service. HTH and *hugs* to you and your friend's family.

thoperopesope · March 2010

We usually give money, any amount is appreciated. Depending on how well we knew the family we'd give anywhere from $20 to $100.

thoperopesope · March 2010

Nicole, that is such an awesome idea

Kudos

vanilla15 · March 2010

I have sent money before, but always felt a little funny about it. I am just not sure if that is right or not.

My mom does this & people always seemed very touched by it.

http://www.arborday.org/shopping/tictim/TIMSample.cfm

I have also sent plants to the services. Something they can have & watch grow. I personally don't like to send flowers just b/c they die so fast.

Very sorry to hear about your friend's mom.

jaymers99 · March 2010

Sorry to hear about your friend's mom. It seems like we keep losing more and more people to cancer. My grandmother recently passed away from cancer, and we got a lot of cards with money from family friends and friends of a family member (i.e. my mom's friend, my co-worker, etc.). As for amount, it varied anywhere from $5-$100+. I think that especially in a time like this, the amount is not nearly as important as the thought. I like PP's idea of donating to a cancer foundation.

KShiz · March 2010

Although you might feel weird about giving money, unfortunately funerals are expensive and alot of the time the family will host a lunch or something afterwards. The money comes in very useful to handle costs, it's not usually just going into someones pocket, it can really help ease the financial burden.

Sorry that you have to eaven think about this, but it's very considerate of you.

MrsIH · March 2010

I'm sorry to hear that Melissa.

I agree with Nicole, a donation is a wonderful idea. I'm sure money is always gracefully accepted though (when my Uncle passed, staff at his former workplace had all put money together for my Uncle's children, that was so appreciated).

redshoegirl · March 2010

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's mom.

We don't give money in my family (either side) so this isn't something I'm familiar with - we normally give flowers/plants or donations to charity. If I was to give cash, it would probably be in the $50-$100 range, depending on my relationship to the person.

lola808 · March 2010

Thanks for the great suggestions.

I like the donation idea, and I think my friend and her mom would appreciate it. It would also be a great way to honor her memory.

My concern with giving cash was just that some family members would open the card and have no idea who it was from. Not that they'd care under these circumstances... but cash can be weird like that, especially if you try to be generous.

MrsNicole&Brian808 · March 2010

lola808:
My concern with giving cash was just that some family members would open the card and have no idea who it was from. Not that they'd care under these circumstances... but cash can be weird like that, especially if you try to be generous.

I can relate to this...on both ends of the spectrum. Even in her time of grief, my mom opened my Grandma's envelopes and would comment on the amounts from the givers. Stick out tongue She was shocked (and felt a little guilty, in some instances) at how generous some people were, but also disappointed in how "little" very close friends and family members gave. It was weird.

lelekay · March 2010

My best friend's father passed away two weeks ago, and MH and I sent a plant (a peace lily). I was going to send money, but my sister told me only to do that if I thought the family would have trouble paying for funeral expenses. I don't know if that's true....probably not, but it made me self-conscious, so I went with the plant.

lisakeiko · March 2010

thoperopesope:
We usually give money, any amount is appreciated. Depending on how well we knew the family we'd give anywhere from $20 to $100.

Same for us, unless the family requests that donations to a certain charity or organization be made instead. I'm really sorry for your friend's loss. Sad

mrs.winter · March 2010

I like Nicole's idea. Before I moved to Hawaii is was unheard of giving $ so I always feel a little odd giving $ but when I do I usually give about $20 or so. I'm sorry for your friend's loss.

Funerals

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