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do you celebrate birthdays differently? (long)
Hi everyone, this used to be my home board to post things every so often. Since this is about relationships too, I wasn't exactly sure where to post this question other than this board.
DH and I have been married for 6 months, and in that time have had to figure out what traditions from our upbringing we want to incorporate into holidays/celebrations. For the most part it's been about the same and we haven't had really any problems with that yet. We haven't had birthdays to celebrate yet. Mine is a week from today.
I'm not one of those people who are attention "HEY ITS MY BIRTHDAY" seekers, never have been. I never really make a big spectacle of it, but in my family we have always made plans to go out to dinner and have cake, and do presents (if there were any). My mom has been asking me what plans we have for my birthday, if DH is doing a cake this year, if he made any arrangements, etc. I haven't heard anything from him so I tried to ask him about it just to see if he had any ideas on what we were going to do. He was very nonchalant about it - and was like, well I didn't think about it yet - we are on a budget so I guess I was assumed that for birthdays we just won't do anything, maybe we'll just go to a movie or whatever. If you want, I can get you a present.
I don't know why but this really bothered me. (Granted, I'm PMSing this week so that could be the culprit, haha.) I guess it is just a day. I just felt hurt that 1. He hadn't given it any thought and 2. was just so "eh." I don't want a parade, I don't need gifts (I'm certainly not going to ask him to go get me one either), I just thought that since it was our first year being married he would have at least thought about it more than the week before. I wish he would have asked me what I thought rather than just assuming I wanted to sit at home and not do anything. I work from home and he will be in class for the first half of the day and will be working that night so I just have a feeling that I'm going to be at home celebrating my birthday with my cat. lol.
His family isn't huge on birthdays (neither is mine, but more than his), but we dated for 8 years and each year he at least acknowledged it and made an effort. It's true that we are on a budget, but we have a spot specifically in our budget for gifts/birthdays/etc. and the money's still just hanging out in it's assigned envelope. We communicate well but I don't really know how to approach it without saying "make plans for my birthday and give me presents." I'm also the type of person that really likes to pick out thoughtful gifts for people, so maybe that's why it's upsetting me. I don't know. It's not a dealbreaker by any means, but it just irked me I guess. Maybe I'm just being catty and hormonal. Would it bother anyone else if your DH didn't make any effort when it comes to their birthday? Is is worth saying something about or should I just let it go and make other plans? TIA 
Re: do you celebrate birthdays differently? (long)
I agree that he should be putting some thought into doing something. He could make you a nice dinner at home; it doesn't have to cost money. I would feel like sh!t if FI blew off my birthday a la your H.
ETA: As much as we might want to, we can't read our spouse's mind. You might have to spell it out for him that birthdays are important to you.
Personally I'd say something about it. Otherwise, how's he to know that it's really upset you? And you would be setting yourself up for a whole life together without any birthday recognition at all, and that sucks!
Just be honest. 'Hey it kind of hurt my feelings that you weren't even thinking about my birthday. Just so you know, it is important to me to celebrate it.'
Don't spend your birthday alone! I'll bet your family (or friends) would love to have a birthday dinner with you!
Sorry about the longwinded post and thanks to those who gave advice. I was worried that I would come across as selfish so I just wanted to vent to a bunch of strangers who could validate that I'm not completely insane
He does care about my feelings, I just don't think he gets that it's important to me. In his family, it's always, "hey what do you want" and that's that, and mine does a lot more. I will talk to him about it so he has time to think of something thoughtful, haha.
I feel ya sister! My husband and I have been married for about 8 months now and both of our birthdays and Thxgvg/Christmas/New Years/Valentine's Day have all passed and we haven't celebrated them the way I thought we would.
My family isn't huge on celebrating birthdays. It's usually cake, ice cream and a few presents and then we all sit around and talk for a few hours. My husband has become accustomed to this practice. We did Christmas with his family, nothing for New Years and I had to coax him into doing something small for Val. Day.
It just took me awhile, but I realized that most holidays/special days aren't that big a deal for him and I didn't think it would be that big a deal until that day rolled around. I was more upset than I thought I would be and I realized it was because we never talked about how we would celebrate those days. The solution to it all is to talk about it. Not in a threatening, complaining manner. Just a matter of fact, this is what I'm feeling, conversation.
He's not a mind-reader and neither are you. It's the only way to figure it all out. Lay out your expectations, dreams, wishes, hopes and let him do the same. You'll probably come to a compromise that'll suit both of you.
God Bless! Hope this helps.
I would just tell him that you do like to celebrate your birthday, and hope that he wants to celebrate it with you. What happened when you guys dated?
I know for me, my SO and I were dating about 3 months when my birthday came up. I planned my celebration, and he came along, but he didn't get me a card, or even say happy birthday. My feelings were hurt. I don't want presents necessarily either. Maybe something small and thoughtful, but I mainly want some excitedness from the person I love that I was born! Maybe a little extra special treatment. A hug or kiss in bed as I wake with "happy birthday" being said somewhere in between.
I'm glad you were able to talk to your DH and communicate your desire to do something special with him to celebrate. Enjoy your dinner and movie!
A couple years ago, my hubby completely forgot my birthday. When he got home from work, I asked if we could go to Burger King for dinner (we too were on a tight budget). He said no 'cause it's unhealthy, and I was rather upset that he would deny me greasy food on my birthday. When I told him this, he was horrified and explained that he didn't realize it was my birthday. I firmly believe that I got the best birthday present ever that year -- I got the right to tease him mercilessly for the rest of our lives about the time he forgot my birthday! :P
The only thing I expect on my birthday is that my husband and my immediate family will wish me a happy birthday. If there's something I want to do, I plan it myself. It would never occur to me to wait around hoping someone will plan something, nor would I ever think to ask someone to plan something. That said, I do expect my husband to be available to spend time with me if he's not working.
BFP on Jan. 18; EDD Oct. 1