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Why Won't My Husband Tell Me When His Feelings Are Hurt?
I've never posted before, but I am just so frustrated and I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 months and this has been happening since we were dating. Every time we have conversations and his feelings get hurt, he won't tell me and then later on in the conversation we'll fight and it always come back to the fact that he was hurt, something that he doesn't tell me till 20 minutes into the fight. My problem with this isn't that I won't apologize about hurting him, but that he can't tell right after it's happened. When I get hurt I tell him right away after he's said the hurtful thing, so I give him a chance to fix it or apologize, but he chooses not to do that. I know people are different and some people take some time, but I can't read his mind and he can't understand that in a way i feel it's unfair for him not to tell me and then pick a fight about it later, like I was supposed to have known. It's not like they're obvious things that I would know hurt his feelings, it's random stuff.
Does anyone else have this problem and what can I do? He already knows and I've already told him many times. I don't know what to do.
Re: Why Won't My Husband Tell Me When His Feelings Are Hurt?
Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you and play mind games - maybe trying to make you second-guess yourself and think that you're going crazy. This is borderline abusive behavior - ALL abuse starts out exactly like this. And of course he knows, and he doesn't care. He's trying to control you.
I'd tell him to grow the F up, and I'd be looking for more warning signs of abusive behavior. Whether you think I'm full of crap or not, I've been right where you are, and I know what "walking on eggshells" feels like. Please print this out, and please don't be afraid to do what YOU need to do to stay safe and happy.
Signs of an abusive relationship
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner?constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up?chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more ?yes? answers, the more likely it is that you?re in an abusive relationship.
Do you:
Does your partner:
Does your partner:
Does your partner:
I also think that the fact that you married him KNOWING that he was like this reveals that you are dependent on him, emotionally or whatever, and that will make it easier for him to do whatever he wants. You accepted this behavior when you married him - when a self-confident, strong woman would have kicked him to the curb.
This is not normal, this is not acceptable. Please stay safe.
...and if you think I'm TOTALLY insane, please seek a marriage counselor and an individual counselor for YOU, at the very least. Though I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he "fakes" good behavior for the marriage counselor.
If he's not willing to go to counseling to fix what are at the very least serious, serious communication issues, I'd bail. This is why you don't marry fixer-uppers - yeah, marriage takes hard work, etc. But you can't just marry anyone and expect it to work - GOOD marriages are hard work; marriages like yours will drive you insane and make you miserable.
Remember - he is being cruel to you ON PURPOSE. What are you going to do?
I agree with all of OMG GP posts.
Your H should be a grown man and be able to handle his feelings, deal with them and talk about them. The fact that he can't/doesn't and you married him knowing this is just bad news.
Please seek a marriage counselor.
QFT. This is it, exactly.
with us it does happen but while i sometimes don't understand it & think he should've said something at the time..it's not a big deal. & it's not him saying it to put me down or make me feel crazy he is just pretty sensitive & genuinely hurt but he just holds things in & by habit i think is used to keeping things that upset him to himself at first because other than/before me he had no one for so long. so he'll dwell on things in his head & take them to heart or be hurt by something that i wouldn't realize would be anything because it's not something that would bother me. so a big part of it i think it different personalities.. but this issue with us is not very common like yours seems to be..it's a pretty a minor thing. like if i tried to evaluate our relationship & decide if there's things we have problems with it's not something i would think of.
so while it is possible that the pp's are right & it could be a sign of an abusive partner i don't think it has to be.. so i don't think you should just run with that saying/thinking omg he's abusive but instead really think about that along with everything else & how he makes you feel & most likely if it is there's usually other signs as well. since you married him knowing this if it upsets you so much i think you should go to a counselor even if it's just by yourself at first & since they will have many more details than we do here they can probably give you better advice & info. gl!
At first, this is what I wrote: "Best case scenario, he doesn't know how to "fight fair" and communicate effectively. Worst case, as PPs have detailed, this is the beginning of abusive and controlling behavior. From the information you've given, I don't think we have a clear enough picture to tell which it is."
But I just went back and this line stood out to me:
This is very concerning. Every once in a while, a person might be having a crappy day and have something seemingly innocuous tick them off or cause an emotional response. If they are bad at communicating their feelings, they may bottle it up and react badly later (bursting into tears, having a short temper, etc.). It is not normal or healthy for this to be happening on a consistent enough basis that it becomes a problem, especially if your fights leave you bewildered as to why what you said upset him.
Please, read OMGGP's post above and consider that list carefully, and please consider counseling.
i might be naive here, but i disagree with what's been posted so far. i do this all the time, and i don't think i'm abusive to my husband. i am an overly sensitive person, and i often bottle things up that upset me, and they later come out in an argument even though i "should" be over them. is that what you're describing, or am i off-base?
i also suffer from pretty severe depression, and i'm currently on several medications for this condition. without the medication, i'm not a very functional person. i can't imagine what it's like to be married to me when i'm not taking it, actually. could your DH be depressed?
When he explains what he's hurt about do you think, "in hindsight I can see how/why that is hurtful" or do you think to yourself, "seriously you're hurt about x, you whiny little brat"
Because I can understand the idea of not being able to articulate your feelings in the moment. I know I'm not always good at it and sometimes it takes me a little while to reflect.
So it's possible that he just doesn't know how to say, "when you said x, I was hurt because..." like a grown-up and the only way he knows to bring up the hurt is to pick a fight.
Or he's a manipulative wanker who explains away his crappy behaviour and picking fights by saying he's "hurt". Someone who has learnt that if he plays the "hurt feelings" card then you'll feel all bad and guilty and be all apologetic and try and make things better.
The trick here is though you can never make it better because he's not really hurt he's just playing a game.
So at best it's a communication issue and at worst it's emotional abuse.
Yeah, this IS a problem because you're expecting your H to change his behavior according to your whims and irrational emotions. At best, it's manipulative behavior, and has no place in a relationship. And manipulative behavior is often abusive, and frequently escalates to that point and beyond. And what is the downside to this? Nothing. He may apologize, or turn himself inside out to appease you, like OP may be feeling with her H. So your emotions, that you admit are "overly sensitive," rule the day, and the relationship. This is unacceptable.
YOU can CHOOSE not to be overly sensitive, and CHOOSE to not bottle things up. But you do not - why? Because you get the reaction you want from your H. This is why it is manipulative. He may be walking on eggshells around you, which is a big sign of abuse. If you were not getting the reaction you wanted (i.e., he left you), you would likely stop doing these things, for future relationships. (But I'm not saying this guy would ever stop being abusive/manipulative - I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here).
Something to think about.
not to hijack the post, but...
i see what you're saying here, but that's not how i see this. i see it as me trying to change MY OWN behavior. like, he says or does something that bothers me--something stupid, that shouldn't bother me--and i don't say anything about it bothering me, because in reality, it shouldn't. so i am trying not to be a nag, trying to choose my battles, whatever. so i swallow it and try to move on. only during the next argument, when it resurfaces, do i realize that i haven't moved on. i don't want to tell him "this bothers me" or "stop doing this" for EVERY.LITTLE.THING. so i don't. it would be, in my mind, highly controlling behavior for me to do so. he's allowed to do things that bother me. he's a human being. but i'm allowed to be bothered by them, because i, too, am a human being. but although we usually discuss things rationally, sometimes it comes out like this. i don't know if that makes any sense or not...
I think what you're talking about, if it erupts in "the next argument," actually sound like pretty big deals that should be dealt with and not bottled up ever.
I mean, the things I "bottle up," I can't imagine ever coming up again. Like if he interrupts me one time while I'm talking. OK. But in an argument later I'd be like, "I didn't like when you interrupted me that one time while I was talking about my dog. Remember? The other day? That one time?" I don't know, that sounds ridiculous.
You sound like you guys fight an awful lot, and you may be sweeping too much under the rug. If it bothers you, really, don't bottle it up.
i'm new here, but for what it's worth, here are my two cents (two cents worth or not
.
i have to agree that it's kind of manipulative to bring stuff up later instead of in the moment. you say you're trying to get over stuff - and i believe you, and applaud that - but you obviously aren't managing to get over it, somewhere in your heart you either still feel truly justified or are being manipulative to 'win' an argument later and are thus bringing up the past in order to bolster your side.either way, it's not cool. you either have a valid point, or you don't. if you have a valid point, bring it up in the moment, if you don't have a valid point, let it go - and not pretend let it go....for real let it go
again, i made this point to someone else in the 'ref my relationship' thread, sometimes we have quirks or idiosyncrasies. that is part of what makes us who we are. the things that hurt my feelings or bother me aren't necessarily always justified by everyone else's standards in this world. but they are my feelings, and my husband married ME....this girl. with these feelings. so i feel like it is part of who i am.
where it goes wrong, is when we don't take responsibility for who we are. i tell my husband in the moment when something bothers me. but i have learned to control how dramatically i do so. and to me, that is the key. men and women are so different, even when we're RIGHT they don't get it half the time, lol - let alone when we're just being quirky or downright wrong, which happens a fair amount of the time too!
the secret is to be sweet about it! it's not that hard. just keep your composure and say calmly, 'wow, this may not be rational of me, but that kind of hurt my feelings.' and then do your best to calmly explain why. unless you married a neanderthal, i find that most men are pretty willing to hear you out and try not to hurt you in the future. but it doesn't become an emotionally abusive/man feels the need to 'walk on eggshells all the time' thing because there aren't dramatic, outrageous, fear-inducing consequences.
like one of my favorite artists, jenny holzer says, 'turn soft and lovely whenever you get the chance.' - often times, if you don't make something a big deal - it doesn't have to be one. it can just be a communication.I do think in hindsight I could have said things differently. Pretty much what i say to him is that we've had this conversation and that I can't know when he's hurt because it's not that obvious. By then we're in a middle of a fight so it sounds worse then it is.
I appreciate everyone's advice but I know for myself it's not abusive. He just does not open up easily, because of things that have happened in his past. He likes to put a wall up.
I love this! And the horse in your siggy is gorgeous!
"but it doesn't become an emotionally abusive/man feels the need to 'walk on eggshells all the time' thing because there aren't dramatic, outrageous, fear-inducing consequences. "
I need clarification on this. I've often felt like I've got to walk on eggshells around my wife, and the more I focus on not upsetting her the quicker I do. Am I an emotionally abusive dude?
To address the original post: I think he's just a typical guy, with "guy speed" reaction time to his feelings. The best you can do is try to watch how loosely you throw things at him, and learn to tell him right before any possible conflict that you care how it makes him feel. This is a risky process, because you need to do it without making him think you suspect he's a ***! Most guys don't react impulsively on their feelings, and are trying to figure them out at about the same time you are. It's the truth! Just be patient with him, and make sure to demand it of him as well.