Hawaii Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Cheating in marriages
I was just reading about Sandra and her philandering husband, and it
made me sad... and then I started wondering about marriages where a
partner cheats on another. It seems like most of my friends have been
cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend... I wonder how much that changes
with marriage. I would think it would be emotionally harder to cheat
once you're married, but maybe I'm wrong about that too.
Re: Cheating in marriages
I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
I never understood cheating until my marriage hit a rough patch from heck. (Disclaimer: neither of us cheated) When you're not getting anything from your spouse, including a kind word or the simplest comfort, it's easy to try and find that from somewhere else.
I don't understand it when you are getting that from your spouse, however, and just want to see if the grass is really greener on the other side.
I think this is very well said, especially the part about finding that comfort/support you need from somewhere else.
I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
I think its quite possibly one of the most selfish acts out there. Whether you're married or not. When you're "just" dating, I just think its so easy to leave the relationship and move on if you have other interests in other people. How do these folks sleep at night? For those of us that REALLY took our vows seriously, I find it offensive when I hear stories of infidelity. And then throw children into the mix, its unexcusable to me.
I think everyone's reasons are different. I also tend to believe that there are some people who really believe in the one and some people who like variety. That's the nicest, most objective way I can say it.
I can give you a glimpse of what an affair looks like. Obviously, it varies. But, here is my story...
My 1st husband was a cheater. He had a history of it. I think he has a mental disorder where he became manic. It was a thrill to fool two women. When I was pregnant, he started an affair with a secretary in his office. I had no idea. Our relationship was unchanged. In other words, we were still going out on dates, having sex, our regular day-to-day life. The only thing that changed was my waistline went from tiny to a big bump (which I loved).
He met the secretary at an after-tax season party (he=CPA, she=office secretary). That was April when I was 2 months pregnant. When he came home from the party, he mentioned that he met someone new at the office and I would really like her. hahahahaha, wow, look how that turned out!!!
I think the affair started when I was out of town for a work conference. It was the end of June. We scheduled a 4th of July vacation after the conference. When he flew down to meet me he had a new cell phone and new underwear. (so strange to think back to the little clues... they say that men buying new underwear is a sign). He would step out of the hotel room to use his new phone. He claimed the reception didn't work in the room. Red flag!
Other than that, the trip was normal. We went out to restaurants, went on romantic walks, had sex, met up with our friends... the usual things we do on vacation.
By the end of July, his behavior was crazy. He got insanely drunk on my birthday. It was so horrible, I won't discuss it.
I was very stressed. A few days later, I passed out at work. My coworkers were concerned since I was pregnant. I called my H (now ex). His only concern was, "Are you going to be able to make the baseball game tonight?" I didn't think that was smart. Guess what? He went!!! He used my ticket to take the secretary. When he got home, I asked him what was going on. He yelled at me. How dare I ask if he had an interest in this girl.
It all came to a head on September 11, 2001. We were home (west coast) getting ready for work when the news came in that planes flew into the twin towers. Shock. We put on the news. I was trying to figure out what was going on. He rushed to get ready for work. I had a late day, noon to 9pm because we had an evening Board of Directors meeting. I asked him to stay home and go in after we made sense of what was happening in the world. He left.
He insisted that he HAD to go to work b/c he was in the process of becoming a partner in the CPA firm. He said he was crucial.
Off he goes. He called incessantly throughout the day. I shared an office with a woman... an older, wiser woman... who said something was up. His behavior was not normal and questioned if he was up to something.
Then, I find out that he could NOT be at work. His entire building in downtown was closed. His building was a tall box, which was referred to as "the box the Space Needle came in". Absolutely, no way was he at work.
I tried calling him, but his cell was off. He called me back and said that he was working with clients. He said he was going to make steak for dinner and we'd have a nice romantic evening.
I finished my work day. Because of the events, we wrapped up our Board meeting about 10 minutes early. I had an hour commute to our home in the country. When I got home, our poor dog was outside in the dark, whining and starving. My H should have been home by 6pm to feed and care for him. What could have happened?
I can't reach him by phone. I take care of our sweet dog, change clothes and try to keep myself together.
Here's the best part of the story...
I hear him drive up our gravel driveway. I wait. I'm in our main room when I see my H out on the back porch trying to come in (sneak in) the glass back door. Yes, I see you.
I unlock it and say, "What are you doing out there?"
He claims, with a QFC bag in his hand, that he was out there to make our romantic dinner!!! Right, in his manic state, he thinks I didn't notice his car was not home when I drove up. He thinks I believe he is cooking cellophane wrapped steaks on a cold grill. He thinks our 130 pound dog could go 12 hours without a thing to eat.
So-o-o, that is just a slice of life. My opinion on cheating is that it is someone not in their right mind acting out.
He still would not admit it. He was "working" and "thinking". He would not say he was with her at all.
However, I'm somewhat resourceful... I called her the next day at work. We had met before, but I introduced myself by name and X's wife. I asked if it was a good time to talk. She said she could call me back in a few minutes. Poor girl, probably had to lock herself in the office. Amazingly, she did call back. Yes, that's how I found out about the affair. His mistress told me. She even said, "I'm sorry for your situation."
I don't know if there is something missing in the marriage or something missing in the cheater.
I would be interested to hear other stories... if any of you will share.
Newlyweds since 2007
See, this is the part that is so mind boggling to me. She knew he was married right? Why don't these women get it? Did he ultimately end up with her? If I was her, I would be constantly looking over my shoulder wondering who he was going to cheat with next.
OMG, I am so sorry about this situation. I know you're happily married now so that's a blessed thing. I've read previous posts about your struggles with him and parenting.
I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
When I was a first year in college, one of my classmates (and friend) started an affair with a 32 year old married man from work. She was, surprise, surprise, his secretary. The weirdest part for me was... okay... no, there were two weird parts...
a) that the affair had started when she had been invited by the boss and his wife into their bedroom for threesomes and that she and the boss kept doing it outside of work
b) she was seriously the most Catholic girl I knew. And I went to a Catholic high school.
In the end she got fired because they were caught having sex on the board room table.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
I completely agree. Wow, disgusting... thanks for sharing with us.
I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
some quick, random comments -
- whenever i see "Sandra and her philandering husband" - i do a double-take. and then realize you're not talking about me. haha.
- elizabeth edwards - yes, totally agree.
she's one very strong woman, that's for sure. - alyson's catholic friend - i seriously thought that stuff only happens in movies. not just the sex on the board room table part, but the whole thing!
that's it for now - will try to respond to the actual post laterDitto! I really appreciated hearing your experience. I'm sorry you had to go through it.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
and yes - ditto! all i can say is thank goodness you're no longer with him, and are happy now. if only you didn't still have to deal with him, sigh. it really does sound like there's something wrong with him - so incredibly delusional. hugs.
adpilove - I agree, it is mindboggling. He did end up with her... temporarily. I'm not sure what the arrangement was. When we put our house on the market, my friend was our real estate agent. He had an appointment to meet with the evilex at our house in the morning. When he pulled in the driveway, there was the mistress! She was in her car about to leave... but, did some awkward move to make sure that she blocked him, rolled down her window and introduced herself. More weirdness.
The next story was my ex had complained about the new house he bought and some financial issues. I told him to please stop talking b/c it wasn't my concern. Several months later, ex's sister blurted it out in a phone call. She said that they bought a house and planned to share the cost... but, the secretary backed out... so, ex had to put it on his credit card!!!! Can you imagine the interest you'd pay for a house payment on a cc? I guess he ate the cost, b/c they lived in their new house together. It is kind of a blur, but it seems like they lived there for a year until she moved out. The sad thing is that my daughter was very little. Again, blurry estimate, but about 2 years old. We were driving on the interstate when she points out of the window and says the mistress' name and points at a moving truck. What? She said, "There's the truck that took XXX's stuff away."
I can't say for sure, but I think it impacted my daughter. She went through a phase where she thought that I would leave her. I have never done anything that would make her think that. When we were visisting my parents, I went out to dinner with my best friend. My daughter knows and loves my BFF. My mom said she cried at the front window, "My mommy isn't coming back. Never coming back." All I can guess is that when the secretary left, her friend must have come to help her move. And, she never came back.
Oh, one more thing... since you mentioned the friend who had the weird 3some. I can't tell you how many people gave me weird looks and made comments like, "You never know what goes on behind closed doors." If I had my wits, I should have said, "Nothing with me, if that's what you mean." I wonder if they thought I had some swinger lifestyle. Ewwww.
Newlyweds since 2007
Me too, until I met this girl. She had major self esteem issues, and I think that really contributed to her need to feel and accept the kind of attention she received.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
Interesting discussion. I was so sad to hear about Sandra (not nestie Sandra
and Jesse. I hope it's just bad rumors. And Kate Winslet and her husband - allegedly he also wandered. Boo!
Surfinbride - thanks for sharing your past situation, and I'm just so happy for you that you got out of it and are in such a better place now. I am sure with your love and guidance, your daughter will feel little affects of what happened.
I worked with a woman whose husband had cheated on her in the past, but they have 3 kids. The third time he cheated, I guess that broke the camel's back and they got a divorce. Before that divorce was even final, she had already started dating and, in fact, had affairs with married men! I didn't want to be jundgemental, but I absolutely could not stop myself from thinking, "Um, didn't that JUST happen to you?!?!?!". Again, I didn't want to seem like I was on some moral high horse, but I just could not look at her or hang around her in the same way. To me, such behavior just doesn't compute. I agree, I think there must have been some deep, personal self-esteem issues.
I thought of you first, too! Then I remembered seeing something on people.com about Sandra Bullock.
It's so sad...I was just thinking at the Oscars how they seem so genuine, too. I did think it odd that she didn't thank him in her acceptance speech. He's a fool if he really cheated on her.
Heh, me too. I hadn't read the story until I saw this post (yes, I live under a rock) so I was like, "OMG! What happened to Sandra???" So glad it wasn't really you!
Anyway...I don't think there's really a single, simple answer to this question. I think that in some cases it's a solitary, albeit major, lapse in judgment. In other cases, the person may not be getting what they need emotionally out of the marriage. And in others, well, some people are just Cheater McCheatersons who don't see anything wrong with it.
Note: I don't think any of these things are legitimate excuses - they just seem to be the most common reasons.