Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I don't know what else to tell her
My friend is having a terrible time with the lack of a sex life in her marriage. ?Mine is awesome and I can't relate her situation at all, but I listen and try to give her advice, but I don't feel like I can help any more. ?Her husband doesn't like sex basically. ?She will dress up in new sexy nighties and get all dolled up and he will turn her down. ?She is lucky if she gets sex once a month. ?He says she's obsessed with sex when she's really not and her family keeps saying "What would you do if he were in an accident and couldn't have sex" so they aren't any help. ?I asked my husband to have a male perspective and he said there has to be something wrong with him. ?Hubby said maybe he's being unfaithful. I refuse to put that into her head. The guy is a little.. I don't know how to say this nicely.. a momma's boy. ?She babied him and he still shows it. ?He acts 17 sometimes and hes 26. ?I wonder if maybe hes not sexually attracted to her-She is a big girl. ?I told her they need to go to therapy, but she said he wont go. ?He plays the victim and says its all her. ?If anyone has any idea of how to help my friend please let me know. ?I want to help her but I feel lost.
Re: I don't know what else to tell her
I don't know your friend's backstory:
Were they sexually active before the wedding?
If they were and this truly is recent behavior, she can make counseling -- both with a secular counselor and with a sex therapist contingent upon the continuation of their marriage.
She needs to read him the riot act and she needs to speak to him as bluntly as possible.
She should tell him their marriage's continuation is contingent upon his seeing a sex therapist and marriage counselor.
He won't go? Then she goes: to an attorney to get this sham of a marriage annulled, STAT.
If they were both celibate before marriage and he won't consummate, a sex therapist is mandatory. And the same thing applies: make the visits to a sex therapist contingent upon the continuation of their marriage.
If he still refuses to consummate after all of this or the sex in the marriage is barely there, she can seriously consider having the marriage annuled in a civil court.
Same thing goes: if he refuses counseling, annulment in a civil court.
This is not a healthy relationship for your friend to be in. I am certainly sure that she did NOT marry to have a roommate.
Which is why I don't advocate virgin marriages.
My guess is that they have remained celebate so for religious reasons. And unfortunately that's probably got a lot to do with the problem they have at hand.
He is 26. He's a little too old to lord the entire problem over on her; he can't admit that any problem in his marriage that affects his wife is also HIS problem.
The rest of my advice remains the same: No counseling no continuation of marriage -- she should have the marriage annulled in a civil court.
BTW, she should be discussing any marital problem with her husband only; she should not be detailing any of this to anybody else, except a counselor.
I dated a great guy that I had been friends with for a long time, We dated on and off 3 different times, the first 2 times I was a virgin and I wanted to remain that way until marriage..well I ended up breaking up with him and I eventually married my XH...ok so long story short, after my divorce, we ended up dating for a third time in which we ended up sleeping together. In a total 6 months, we had sex 4 times!!!!! He just completely was not into sex in general. He had a serious dislike for any type of bodily fluids but most of all, he had a SERIOUS committment problem which is what may be happening to your friend. We were very happy overall but he the lack of initmacy was what broke it all apart. This makes me wonder if your firends husband likes to kiss/hug/hold hands etc.. She may have just found someone that is not into being intimate (or has a dislike for comittment) although it sucks for her!! Being a bigger girl has nothing to do with it I hope, if so, there are PLENTY of men who would love it!!
I will ignore this ignorant comment given that there are plenty of "big girls" that have very healthy sexual relationships with their husbands.
I honestly don't think you should be worrying this much about your friends relationship; this is her battle that she needs to fight.
Who is the "we" here? Your friend thinks her H might be gay or you and your H have discussed this possibility without your friend around?
She's needs to stop telling her family and friends about their sex problems and deal with this through counseling. If he isn't willing to work on it, then they don't have much of a marriage.
Is he physically alright? Can he get it up if he wants too?
This is a little weird, at 26 you'd think he'd want it a little/lot more. If there's nothing physically wrong with him I'd think that he's either gay or there's something mentally/emotionally wrong. Unless he's willing to deal with it though I don't know what she can do. If I was her I think I'd want to go to a therapist or a sex therapist to figure this out.
I don't know how a marriage can work though if one of the partners is unwilling to listen to the others needs.
This sounds like my soon to be ex H. momma's boy and plays the "woo is me" card.
She needs to move on stat. He isn't going to change.
I agree with most of the PPs about how he acts. He's either not attracted to her sexually, getting it on the side, masturbating a heck of alot, or has low testosterone. The only "fixable" thing of the two (and that depends on why) could be the low hormones. Maybe he could work out at the gym and do things to increase his testosterone, which could increase his sex drive.
Either way, I know how it feels to need someone to confide in, but she should be dealing with this behind closed doors.
If he is belittling her needs by calling her sexually obsessed, then there is a serious problem. As the previous poster pointed out, he is failing to realize that if *she* has a problem, *they* have a problem.
Sex issues can be worked on. Name calling and blaming are a character defect.
My first boyfriend tried to tell me that I was a nymphomaniac. We were 18 and he flat out told me that he couldn't keep up with me. He even told me to stop masturbating so I wouldn't "desensitize" myself to him. I looked at him as if he were the special kind of crazy. I eventually dumped him and found myself a boyfriend who was good in bed and didn't think I was some sex crazed freak. I was much happier.
DItto 100%. I don't see any hope here.
Sorry, I meant to throw the quote up on that one for the reply that said I was being ignorant for my previous post. ?To save time I am going to use one reply instead of replying to each message. ?
-Hubby and I were the "we" in the we talked about the possibility of him being gay.
-Yes, he is very affectionate and supportive of her. ?In this area he is what most people wish for.
-She knows that my husband and I talked about the situation. ?She was happy to get a male's opinion and she trusts my husband. ?My husband is also one of his good buddies.
-Yes, he can get it up, and yes he does masturbate. I told her that may be a reason.
-Depression never crossed my mind. ?I'm definitely going to say something to her about that.?
-I agree with everyone who said this belongs between her and her hubby, and a therapist as well. ?She looked into therapy and that may or may not happen because of the distance to the nearest therapist in her insurance network.?
I told her I posted this and she was really appreciative of everyone's input and she said she feels better because she was starting to think it was just her. ?I told her for the health of her marriage, and the health of our friendships with them, she needs to keep everything between them. Thank you all who replied. ?I feel like now she has some reassurance that's she's not a "sex maniac". ?I gave her a list statistics of couples' sex lives along with your answers to reinforce that point. ?
As a side note I wont be checking back on this post since, as I mentioned, we have agreed not to discuss the matter anymore. ?
Thanks again everyone.
I have 2 theories:
1. He's gay! This is the one I would be the most suspicious of.
2. He's depressed or on anti-depressant's. Either can cause the sexual drive to be non-existant.
I would bet he is gay!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown