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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
BR- How do you discipline- cuz I said so or reason?
After reading Lori's post it got me thinking. How do you discipline your little one (or how will you)? How were you disciplined (your parents "because I said so" or reason/debate)?
Kai is 2 now and definitely rules me. DH is of the "because I said so school" (perhaps because he is law enforcement and military and raised that way) and I am of the "lets talk about this and give you options school". lol My parents were the in the "because I said so school" but I never listened and in fact I argued ALOT (at a very early age). I negotiate everything and still do.To me nothing is set in stone. So I negotiate with Kai. I worry that this is not good, but I dont know how to be strict.
DS- 4 years old, Natural m/c @ 7 weeks-12/1/09. Infertility issues- low ovarian reserve- low AMH and high FSH. Looking into adoption.
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Re: BR- How do you discipline- cuz I said so or reason?
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
This is how I teach - I give both options and rules and then clearly explain the consequence for breaking the rules/expectations. Then, when I have to punish, I reiterate what my expectations were, why they're receiving punishment and what options they could take next time so that I won't have to apply punishment. Then the emphasis is on their choices rather than on me being a bad guy.
Children HAVE to have boundaries. Behaviour has consequences - that's how kids learn how to be responsible adults. And some behaviour is non-negotiable. I have coddled students whose parents constantly negotiate with them, and for most (though not all) of them, this turns out very poorly. They get too much, and you can just see them begging for their parents to cut them off somewhere. It's strange, but teens (and kids, I assume) really crave structure, though they'll never admit to it.
In the end, I think it's a matter of striving for healthy balance of the two. I have no problem laying down the law, but it's never "because I said so", there's always a reason behind it.
**Add-on: I'd say that if your parents allowed themselves to be negotiated with, they weren't the 'lay down the law' type. Otherwise, you wouldn't have had success negotiating, and you would have learned a different behaviour pattern as a child. Kids are brilliant at manipulating adults - I know I was!
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
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I do (and have done) a little bit of both with my 7 year old daughter.
For the most part, I try to reason and explain things to her. Point out what she did wrong, explaining WHY I feel the way I do, what the possible consequences of making a different choice could have been, using examples, etc. I'm not incredibly strict when it comes to her punishment as long as I know she's gotten the message in her head and I see her changing her behavior in the future. If it was something or someway she was behaving over and over, I may have to take a different approach.
I have been known to let her HELP choose her own punishment (grounded from friends, take away the DS for a week, etc) and she really takes the time to think about it and frankly doesn't go that easy on herself! And, to be honest, I'm a total pushover when it comes to standing firm on her punishment. I'm not proud of it, but it happens. There is NO WAY in hell, I would ever not let her go to a birthday party or something because she was grounded, I always cave! I hate for any kid to feel left out, especially mine! Now, if I was having lots of trouble with her, it might be different, but she's basically a good girl. I let her earn back her "grounding" days by doing good deeds!
i.e. chores I hate!!!!!!!
That said, sometimes there is just too much negotiating going on, I'm sick of it, heard enough, and I have no problem bringing out the ole "because I said so and that's all you need to know!"
Negotiating skills are good for a child to learn, but if your son is "running you" he may have gotten a little TOO good at it and needs some boundaries set! Time outs really do work good for kids that age...if you start 'em young enough!
LOL I'm with Jaime.
This is basically the approach my mom used, and it was pretty successful, for the most part. Some things were simply NOT negotiable ("This is the way you behave because that's how it is, end of story") and others were. We had firm rules and boundaries, and I think that's a good thing - kids need them - but we were also often given explanations as to why those boundaries were in place. If we disagreed then too bad, but we did get the explanation lol.
hi hi hi
my folks were really strict with me growing up. it was a lot of because i said so. and it sucked. looking back though i'm glad they were like that.
i tend to be very strict. i discipline my sister's kids and my cousin when she was younger. i think i'm a mixture of the said so and reason. i don't reason unless i have to. i usually just employ the firm tone of voice and that works. but then again the kids are 3 and 5 and they typically don't act up.
i'm with allyson though. kids need boundaries. i get so irked with parents who think their job is to be their kids' friend that they don't want to hurt their feelings. it sucks 'cause to me it's irresponsible parenting because they are raising a kid who may grow up to be a pain in society. ugh.
i've seen pictures of my one high school graduate's 10 year old boy. she has pictures of her 10 year old boy posing with liquor bottles and making obscene gestures. she thinks it's cute. i'm like ugh. he's gonna be a terror.
hawaii 10.2008 plan ;P married bio ???
My only experience up to now is disciplining my niece and nephew as well as some kids I used to babysit (who's parents were strict so they were very well behaved most of the time...)
We plan to go with making good choices and having consquences when poor choices are made. Things like courtesy, manners and respect will be non-negotiables for sure. I think this can work even with toddlers...give a couple of choices and if he makes a poor one correct his behavior with consequences. Similar to what you've mentioned about "options and let's talk about it." But there does need to be consistent correction and consequences when the wrong option is exercised. For example, if Kai is throwing a toy and you don't want him to...his options would be:
"Play nicely with the toy. No throwing. If you cannot stop throwing the toy, it will be taken away. Your choice."
And if he throws it, take it away. Explain to him why..."I took the toy away because you're choosing to throw it after I asked you not to..."
Try again later with the toy. Remind him that if he wants to play with it that is fine but no throwing.
Consistency is key. Where I've seen most parents fail is here. They do it once or twice and then give in, give up or get angry. Neither of these options are that great and I believe they don't teach the child to behave well.
Remember, as a parent, discipline is love. Children crave routine, rules, and boundaries. They'll push the limits until they get some. So being strict, within reason, in a loving way is a gift you can give your child.
With my nephew (I was his nanny from 6 weeks - 2.5 years old) I'd acknowledge his feelings, especially if he was upset or frustrated....such as, "I know you're feeling frustrated. You can use your words instead of throwing your toy. When you're ready to play nice with it, you can have it back." I swear at 2 years old, he got it. One day he came up to me and said, "Auntie, I feel fwusturated (frustrated) because I can't find my Tigger!" Awesome! No fit. Not tantrum. We searched and found his Tigger toy. Happy boy. Happy Auntie. If he ever did throw a tantrum (especially at home), I'd look at him and say as calmly as possible, "That's not going to work with Auntie. When you're ready to tell me or show me what you want, let me know." And I'd walk away. Worked everytime. I promise.
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OMG - I teach these kids... I swear. And their parents just... ugh... they don't understand that their kids are they way they are because that's how they taught them to be. Sweet Jesus. That child will be a nightmare when they're a teen.
You're NOT their friend. You're their parent. You should be friendly, and loving, but you're not their freaking friend.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
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