Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not excited about sex
When we actually get into it, I love having sex with my husband. He's a wonderful lover and he makes me "O" almost every time. But he has to be the one to initiate the lovemaking; I just can't seem to get excited about it. My general feeling is I could just as well not have sex. We're both in our mid-twenties, have been married almost 3 months and we were both virgins before then---you would think I'd be trying to jump him every chance I got! I was wondering if anyone had suggestions about how I could improve my desire. I would love to be the one who initiated the intimacy, but right now I just don't feel the need for sex.
Re: Not excited about sex
I agree with the PP. The more you get into it and do it, the more interested you will become in it. This is nothing unusual. However, I have to ask-ar you on any birth control? Sometimes this is a side effect.
However, I suggest you just continue to try to get into it, initiate it sometimes even if you're not feeling super horny and try to have fun with it. It will get better with time.
Were you chomping at the bit for sex *before* you got married?
Did you go on hormonal birth control when you got married?
Was there a change in your mental drive for sex when you started BC?
Are you worried about having a child at this point in your marriage?
Why did you remain a virgin until marriage? What messages about sex were you given while you were growing up? Is it possible that you just have to reframe sex from "something I am not supposed to do" to "something I am supposed to relish"?
Thanks to all for great comments.
diddygirl: I think my problem is getting aroused, not positions. We've tried quite a few...
DaringMiss: I don't think I was ever "chomping at the bit" before we got married, though there were times I struggled to control my desires. I did go on bc (sprintec) about 2 months before we married, and we're not worried about children yet--we want to be married at least a year or two, but if we do get pregnant, we are in a stable enough position to handle it. As for virginity, in my house sex was seen as something to relish and cherish in a married relationship, something sacred reserved for this sacrament. We talked about it in my family, sometimes seriously, sometimes comically, and it was understood one waited until marriage, period. I think even in all the times I made out with boyfriends and eventually my fiance I never seriously considered having sex. Now of course, I still think of it as something special between husband and wife, but even though I am the wife, I still have trouble getting aroused. Thoughts?
For me the more frequently we have sex...the more I want it.
I think you first have to be real with yourself about what really turns you on. Have you talked to DH about this issue? If so what does he have to say and has he tried to do new things? Have u guys tried lubs,toys,massages etc?
Let me ask you a question- did you have an idea in your head of what it would be like and it didn't turn out that way, so now you are dissappointed?
I just came off BC in Dec and until then I was just never real interested in sex, it was ok, but I wasn't the one to initiate it. I was totally ok without for weeks! Now that I have been off BC for a couple months, I can't even be close to the guy without wanting to jump his bones.
diddygrl: We've discussed the issue, and have tried a couple of toys and different methods, but since we've only been having sex for 3 months, everything is new to me.
I see your point about changing things up a bit though. As for the other, no, I didn't go into this with any preconceived notions about what it would be like. I'd thought about it, sure, but no expectations one way or the other.
boredinuk: I have thought about that, but I don't think it's the case. I don't have anyone to compare him to, but my DH does bring me to orgasm almost every time and is always open to my suggestions in our lovemaking. I would think that would show something is compatible between us.
Cassondra: I've heard all the warnings about how bc can affect one's sex drive, so I've certainly thought about this. Of course, the only way to know for sure is to change types or stop taking it, but I'd like to finish out the year without the possibility of pregnancy and because of my irregular periods I can't do non-hormonal bc like NFP.
Thanks again to all. You guys are great and have given me a lot to think about.
My husband and I have been married for about 9 months and I have kind of hit the same road block. After reading several similar posts on here, I have determined that I have to be the one determined to get in the mood and want to have sex.
For example, there have been a couple nights that I haven't been over-the-top horny, but I put on a cute little number and surprised my husband when he walked in the door. His reaction put me in the mood.
I feel like it probably is the birth control thing, because before we were married (we waited to have sex too) I couldn't wait to have sex all the time. So, I think that it's up to us to alter our hormone levels :-)
Caleb Jonathan
Born November 30, 2011
The Winking of an Eye
A blog about the mommyhood, wifehood and lifehood of a misplaced Minnesotan in SoCal
I think for me, my sex drive is minimal for a few reasons: the birth control (I was on it before we were married, but went off of it 2 months prior to getting married) and the point about going from "something I am not supposed to do" to "something I am supposed to relish" are two of the main issues. (We waited until we were married to have sex).
The other main concerns are: 1. Husband works night shift, and is home max. 3 nights a week, and 2. my health is, and remains poor.
It's gotten slightly better since my original post, but sex is still only 2-3 times a week- and that's an improvement.