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Honest opinions needed - DH/porn issue
I know that many questions like this are asked constantly, I actually scrolled down and found some posts that were helpful. But I'm wanting to know if there are any woman out there that have gotten over their insecurities about their husbands or SOs watching porn without them?
Just a little background - I grew up in a home where it was pounded into my head that men who watch porn are not being satisfied by their woman. Now as an adult, I am very open minded - DH and I will watch porn together sometimes and a part of me knows its normal for men to have a stronger sex drive then most woman. Still, it hurts sometimes when I think about DH watching other woman to get off - it makes me feel like I'm not good enough even though DH tries to be patient by reassuring me that watching porn when I'm not around has nothing to do with me. I recently talked to him and let him know that if he initiated sex with me more often I would feel alot better (normally I'm the one asking for it).
I'm really sick of getting upset over this. It's really the only thing we ever fight about. I know snooping through his internet history is wrong, but I find myself doing it sometimes just to see what "I'm up against"...I'm 6mos pregnant now and insecurities and emotions are on overload. I just want to know if there was anyone else out there that has gotten over their issue with it. I really want to try. TIA to anyone who reads this and replies:)
Re: Honest opinions needed - DH/porn issue
My husband watches alot of porn. It bothered me b4 and I would check his history just like you, to see what I was up against and an odd thing happened. I found myself being turned on by the things that turned him on and that led to better sex. Then I took it to another level and started doing some of the same things he liked to watch, to him!!! He still watches, sometimes we watch together and sometimes I watch alone. I don't see the big deal about porn I mean some people do have addictions, which is a whole other subject but when it's done in moderation who cares. Don't beat yourself up. I don't feel insecure because I am so sure of who I am and what I have to offer and he'd be a fool to even compare me with that!!!
Sometimes in the mornings before work when I want a quickie, instead of waking up DH (who goes to work later than I) I just watch some porn to get myself off. I think it's the same idea for him. When I watch I don't gawk at the men on the screen and wish I was with them instead of DH. I am watching two people having sex and that's about it. If you enjoy watching WITH him why not try watching by yourself sometimes so you can appreciate it the same way he does and see that it's not really that big of a deal.
Good luck!
AkBride, I'm so sorry that this is upsetting you so much. To be honest, I don't understand why your husband wouldn't give it up if it's causing you this much pain, unless he can't? Relationships are about compromise and I don't think it's a massive compromise for a woman to ask her husband if he'd stop looking at porn because it's causing her huge problems. Do you think he has some kind of addiction? You're 6 months pregnant - surely he could at least give it up until the baby is born? Just because something is completely normal in some other marriages, doesn't mean it has to be normal in yours. I really feel for you and hope you can reach some kind of solution.
Check out this site, you might find it helpful:
www.theporneffect.com
Agreed completely with this. [although, I've never been to that website...]
I watch porn without my Husband.
I hope that he would never feel insecure b/c I was watching it.
It has nothing to do with him.
Your H watching porn has nothing to do with you.
GL
I agree with this. I doubt your H is watching porn and wishing he was banging the female porn star. It's normal to enjoy watching other people have sex (usually, ha ha). Don't take it so personally.
I agree as well.
I think this has more to do with you being 6 months pregnant and not feeling as sexy. It has nothing to do with the porn. You are not competing with girls in a porn video, there is no competition. Men do not look at porn and fantasize about running away with the girls in them. It's simply a release.
That being said, this isn't sounding like a deal breaker for you. Its more a self-esteem issue for you, at the moment. So I suggest emphasizing that aspect of your problem with him watching porn.
Hormones go crazy when you are pregnant. Some people feel out-of-control horny and some fat and unattractive. There's nothing you can do about that.
As for the porn issue, I understand where you are coming from, AKBride. My H doesn't watch videos, but he likes to look at photos on the Internet and sometimes save them to his computer. We actually talked about it last night. I told him it didn't bother me so much when we were dating or even engaged, but now that we're married for some reason I feel differently. He said the pictures have nothing to do with me. For him, it's like looking at artistic nudes. He admires the human body, and he saves them so he can show me what he likes about them (i.e. flat tummies, flexibility, etc). Understanding that my H is not just searching for people to get off to, but also looking at them as a way to make our relationship better, makes it a little easier.
My point is, your H may be watching porn for many reasons. As women, we tend to jump on the thought "it's because I'm not good enough", but that's rarely the case. I'm sure you've asked him why he "needs" to watch it, but ask again and really listen to his answer--it's probably the truth. Also, have you guys had pregnancy sex? He feel a little weirded out by the thought, or not want to "hurt" you or the baby.
This exactly. I may be prude, but I am in no way okay or comfortable with my SO watching porn. He has me and I never turn him down so why does he need to watch other woman IMO unless I am not doing enough because I feel no need to watch other people get it on. When he does it usually starts a war in our household with the whole "Im an adult let me do what I want" and the "well, thats your insecurity issue" deal. I sometimes wish I could be that cool chick that doesnt mind but I just cant.