Sex & Romance
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what to do?
My fianc?e and I are very happy together, but we?ve agreed to wait until after marriage for sex. The thing is, he keeps trying to make a move. It?s like being with a hormonal teenager again. I?m not sure what to do. Any ideas?
Re: what to do?
Remind him of the promise you both made and tell him he needs to cool it until you get married. If he can't respect your wishes now it really says a lot about how he will be when you get married. Tell him that his advances are making it hard on you.
I think it's awesome that you guys have made this decision. Good luck!
no, the thing is that when 2 people love each other they want to have sex. He is acting like a grown man.
True...but he can have sex without her without her...
I have to wonder if this no sex decision is a decision that both people in this relationship are happy with. OP--assuming you made this decision together, and he did not feel pressured, it sounds like he might have changed his mind. I strongly suggest talking to him about this. There is no shame is having sex before you're married! Having sex issues before the wedding though--that's going to lead to lots of problems down the road. Especially if you can't communicate with your FI/H about them.
You sound like you are in high school. It is natural to want to have sex. Waiting doesn't make you and your FI special.
If you really do want to wait then communicate that and make sure you both want that. But you can't blame him for wanting you in that way.
It isn't as though she is saying no I will never have sex with you. There is a timeline. Obviously they (at least at one point both of them) feel strongly about this issue or they would have never made this decision. It is a lot easier to have sex before marriage. I don't feel like this is a "sex issue". As in something that would potentially harm their marriage. When H and I were waiting during our engagement, there were plenty of times where I just wanted to say "screw it all" and shove him into bed. There was definitely that temptation and days and situations that made it harder- but that doesn't mean you need to just abandon ship. That was all I was saying.
And if she feels there is a risk he will have sex without her(which is not something she brought up as a fear), without her just because she won't go against something they both stated before...a temporary situation- is that really a guy worth marrying?
Listen, your FI wants to have sex, you clearly don't. You have no solutions to this problem, other than to have sex. If you're not going to do that, I suggest mutual masturbation or oral.
No--I am saying that sexual decision like whether or not a couple is going to have sex are complicated, and when those decisions are made both parties need to be on board. She said in a PP that her FI is respecting her wishes to NOT have sex. He clearly wants to she clearly does not.
So you tell me, what is the solution to that? What is the "right" answer when one person wants something and the other does not? Because I think my suggestions (mutual masturbation & oral in case you skipped that part) are pretty good options.
And for what it's worth, I think it's an bad way to "go about a relationship" for either partner to give up something s/he wants in order to "respect the wishes" of the other, which is exactly what is happening here.
When one person's wishes about not wanting to have sex are ignored in favor of the other's so-called needs, that's generally thought of as rape. Either way, it's abusive to force someone to have sex against their wishes, whether through subtle guilt or force.
If he is really not on board with waiting until marriage, he is free to leave her and find all the Craigslist floozies he desires. I don't see what's keeping him in the relationship if he's being "tortured" by having to wait to have sex.
Now my opinion is that you should know someone at least moderately sexually before you marry them to at least feel comfortable with each others' sexuality, but by no means would I ever force my opinions on another couple. If she's not comfortable, she doesn't have to do it. PERIOD.
"Compromising" sexually is something girls do for boyfriends in high school to make them love them and feel dirty later. And no one should ever be subject to that, especially if they are already engaged.
OP, if your FI is truly being a douche, you should leave him. There are men out there who will respect your opinion. That being said, men are ALWAYS going to want to have sex - please keep that in mind.
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Wow, way to overreact. No one in the post was saying that her FI is a rapist for wanting to have sex with her.
I think MKE's point is that her FI will not stop being horny just because she wants to wait. So they can explore non-intercourse ways of having sex, or they can have sex, or she can deal with a horny FI. It's not inherently abusive for her FI to be horny. yours.
I find this totally amusing, because YOU are saying the same exact thing, only from HER side! HE HAS to wait and doesnt have a choice because SHE wants to!!! Wife has the last say? I dont think that is a good way to go about a relationship!
Just because you waited doesn't mean you get a special prize or it makes you better. My issue is not the waiting, it is the mentality that you are better or more special because you did wait.
It is not healthy for the man to have the last say, nor is it healthy for the woman to have the last say. You are insinuating that her feelings are somehow more important than the man's. That he should respect her feelings on it and not have sex.
She already said he had no opinion on it and is going along with it for her. They need to really communicate to each other, not him give into her, or her give into him.
Um...Wow?
Jumping all to abuse and rape seems like a bit of overkill here. All I am saying is that in THIS particular situation, the woman seems to be doing all the demanding and the man seems to be doing whatever she wants, whenever she wants. I wonder if your reaction would be so accommodating if the roles were reversed.
The OP is looking for solutions. My options for her were get over the "promise" that doesn't sound all that mutual anyways, or find another sexual activity that both people can be good with. If those are both "abusive" and "rape" what suggestions do you have to offer? He just deals with no physical intimacy in his relationship?
OP--I think you and your FI need to have a long, long talk about sex before you get married. You already seem to be on different pages about what you should be doing when, and I can just imagine your posts shortly after your wedding :: "DH and I just got married. Everything is GREAT except that he thinks we should be having sex seven times a week and I think we should have sex twice a month. WHAT DO I DO?!" You two need to get on the same page about sex right now, before it is too late.
I do not feel like we are more special because we waiting, but I do feel like our wedding night was more special than had we not waiting. FOR US. Not any more special that any one else's wedding night. Just more special than our wedding night without the wait. I do not judge anyone who didn't, as we had years of a physical relationship prior to getting married.
Not having sex is a hard thing to do. There ARE rewards to waiting. But there are rewards to both sides. I am sad that there are so many people on this thread that don't want to acknowledge that.
So Evan22- I wish you luck in any decision you make on this matter. I agree that you guys need to talk about this. But I disagree with the majority on here saying to let go of your beliefs on it and just do it.
My DH and I waited. It wasn't easy, but for us it was the right decision.
Precisely because waiting isn't easy, both partners need to be on the same page about a decision to wait. It sounds like he doesn't want to wait any longer. Have you talked to him? Not just in the heat of the moment, when he's trying to make a move, but at a calm, non-sexual time. Sit down and talk to him. Explain your feelings, ask him to explain his -- then listen.
How exactly do you know that's all he wants? I'm not saying it's not, but OP has decided to marry this man, and you seem to be implying that for him, sex with his partner is nothing more than "getting off." I just wonder what qualifies you to decide this.
Is that really your stance about sex?
Sorry, maybe I shouldn't lump all men into one category. I was basing my opinion on my own husband.
I'm going to call MUD, since it appears the OP opened a can of worms and ran for the hills.
As much as I hated it, my hubby put the brakes on sex right after we got engaged. I was one good Johnny Depp movie away from raping the poor guy (not that much of an exaggeration).
The thing is he explained precisely why he wanted to stop what we were doing. I never once thought he was seeing someone else or had lost interest in me. Honestly it was sweet and I was flattered by it. I had a new found respect for him. He showed me over the course of over a year how strong he could be.
Now looking back I realize when I had a problem with this I was being a selfish ***. I wouldn't trade the feeling of our honeymoon for anything. That special time was so much worth waiting for.
He made ME feel worth waiting for.
Not to get on a moral high horse or anything, but if/when we have kids, I'm going to tell them what their father did and advise them to do likewise.