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Who would you believe?
This is going to be confusing (and I will most likely DD later).
I have a friend, A who is married to B. A left B last week. Over the past year or so, she has complained about B - how he won't move out of his parents house (she and B were living with his family), how he won't do anything that she wants to do (like going out to dinner with me and MH), how he talks down to her, etc.
The day after she left, another guy, we'll call C, came into town to visit her. She told me he was a friend who came to help her move. It was awkward because this guy was older (old enough to be her father) and kind of...odd. He seemed out of place, for lack of a better word. Long story short, B found out, they got into a huge fight, B won't speak to A.
I had to go pick up some of A's things. B will let me come to the house and when I was there he and I were talking and he starts telling me these things about how A has been cheating on him. How he caught her multiple times talking to other guys and he asked her to stop - he said he even told her more than once if she would just stop talking to them, he would forget it ever happened. He said that he planned on moving out with her and couldn't convince her to do it previously because she didn't want them to not have money anymore. He then said that he had actually secured the apartment for them and until the day before she moved out, he thought he was going too.
I've asked her and she denies cheating but it all seems so weird now. Especially with C showing up the day after she moved out of the house. C also made a comment to me about how he was glad that A didn't have to live in the ghetto anymore. She was never living in the ghetto. I just don't know who to believe. I don't know B that well but it all seems soooo weird.
(History: A and I have known each other for about 15 years - we had a HUGE falling out in high school but became close again about 5 years ago).
Re: Who would you believe?
.: Diary of a Recovering Runner :.
ITA with Val's post. IMO, if either starts talking about it, there's nothing wrong with saying "I don't want to know. If you want to talk about what happened, you should talk to A/B yourself. I can't help you resolve anything that's gone on or how you'll come to a mutually agreeable resolution going forward, but talking this out between yourselves is a good first step."
I've learned that from my family because it's always He said/She said and then you find out the real story about 5 years later.
I think, even though I don't want to know if she cheated or not, I DO want to know if she's lying to me (because if she is, she's not a very good friend, KWIM?).
Then again, B could be saying these things hoping that he will turn everyone who she cares about against her and she'll come running back to him. I do think he loves her. I'm not sure if he loves her when she's herself though (he loves who he wants her to be, if that makes sense).
Really, honestly, I mean this in the nicest way possible. IF she's lying, chances are she doesn't want to tell you b/c you'll be a little judgmental about it. Really, how can you not? But maybe she's worried that you'll drop her and she'll be left with one less person in her life. Or that it'll be uncomfortable every time she sees you. Or that you'll lecture her about what fvck-up she is.
I say this b/c I am the judgmental friend, and I'll admit it. I finally started talking to one of my friends again about a year ago - we stopped talking b/c I felt she was making a mess of her life (DUI, drugs, she was top of her class when she graduated w/her BS in biochemistry but now she's a waitress, etc.). Finally when we started talking again she said she goes to our other friend for the "fun" advice (partying, random guys) and me for the "boring" advice (what should she do with her life)...our "fun" friend will tell her what she wants to hear...I'll tell her to pull her head out.
.: Diary of a Recovering Runner :.
You are so right Val. I am the judgmental friend. Which makes me laugh because I used to be the party girl of the group and now i'm like "I know I made those mistakes but you guys should know better!"
Honestly, I wouldn't drop her, but I would try to talk to her about her mistakes. Which would make her uncomfortable and...yeah, I know what you mean.
Paula:I actually DID say that (well, something similiar to that) to B last night and he did try to call A to talk to her. And A hung up on him. So that didn't work so well. They need a mediator. And by mediator I mean someone who doesn't know either of them and can handle it without wondering if one is a bad friend.
Their situation doesn't necessarily sound exactly like the one between XH and I, but the bits and pieces of stories rings a bell.
When I left XH (not for another man), I was still sorting through all of my emotions, figuring out my piece in it all, what I was going to do, and where I (not us - I, Paula) wanted to go. So yeah, I can see that some people would've thought they were only getting bits and pieces of the story from myself when they talked to me. Because I only knew bits and pieces at the time, and it also depended on how I felt that day.
Time not only heals all wounds (which I don't believe 100%), but also gives you some space and perspective.