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Can men and women be friends?
I heard this debate on the radio the other day and I can't get it out of my head.
Basically, nearly everyone who called (men or women) said that they didn?t think this was possible, that there is *always* an element of attraction or something else that would somehow affect the relationship and, I guess, make it disingenuous.
There were also a ton of people who called in, both men and women, who basically said that they wouldn?t allow their mates/partners to have a close friend of the opposite sex! WTF?! Lord help Dallas if he ever, ever tried to dictate to me who I could and could not be friends with. Yeesh! A lot of the callers maintained that it wasn?t a matter of trust, but couldn?t seem to explain what the issue really was. Huh.
Obviously, I was in the minority of those who called to add their 2 cents. My besties have always been men. My best and most trusted friend is a former flame, in fact. There is ZERO element of attraction or complicated feelings there. He?s a really amazing person, who happens to be a dude. It doesn?t bother Dallas at all, and he didn?t bat an eye when I spent the weekend in Calgary in Nov with this friend to catch up and hang out. Dallas understands that I would never overstep the bounds of my marriage and knows I would likely sucker punch anyone who even remotely disrespected my marriage by making a move! My BIL, however, said about the visit ? and I quote here, ?Well, that?s fukked up?. lol
Thoughts?
Re: Can men and women be friends?
Yes I think it is possible but I don't think it is possible for every person or couple. I think you have to be in a relationship that is pretty open and honest. If you are the type of person that has a lot of secrets or you hide things from your SO then I suspect it would be an issue because trust is vital. I also think that it would be tough if someone was a cheater or was cheated on - again going back to the trust issue.
DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex but I think it's a non issue for us because we are open about the friendships, never play games with each other and it helps that we've met and pretty much become friends with them as well. We may not be the same level of friends but if they call they don't hang up on the other person or act coy or strange.
It probably can happen, but it's not something either my husband or I do. We have no friends of the opposite sex and I haven't missed that. I don't know why, specfically, I guess I just don't see the point. And while I wouldn't say attraction *always* gets in the way, I can think of many friendships (including some I've been in) that have been ruined because one person thinks the relationship is purely platonic, but the other develops romantic feelings for the friend.
I know that I would be really weirded out if a guy asked me to do something sometime, even if he seemed 100% committed to friendship only. It just seems weird.
I agree that it often comes down to the type of relationship you're in and how you communicate. I've been in friendships that haven't always been the best for my romantic relationship, but I have always tried my best to make it all work...and I hope I've never given any former boyfriends reason to doubt my loyalty to them. I suppose it might be different depending on which side of it you're on. Dallas isn't the slightest bit bothered by my male friends, but he doesn't have any female friends of his own. That's his choice, I guess. I just tend to "click" better with men than with women, so my friendships with them seem so effortless. Although, I have been caught in the middle of alot of spats where the girlfriend can't wrap her head around the friendship I have with her guy. I find those reactions a bit odd, though. I am not sure what, exactly, threatens them (ie. the closeness of the friendship? The mere fact that I am a woman?).
I suppose it shocked me to hear so many people voice their opinion that it isn't ok, or even possible to have a close friends of the opposite sex. To me, it seems natural to be friends with people you have a connection with, I honestly never thought about it in terms of male/female.
I think it is very possible that men and women can be friends. I have friends from University that I still talk to and they are men. They are really good friends of mine and there is no attraction there at all.
DH has a few real good female friends that I'm not even worry about. I think it's mostly a trust issue IMHO that some people think that men and women can't be friends.
I have no issues. before we got married I did have an issue with DH hanging out with a female friend from highschool... she kept leaving public facebook comments about how great of a guy he was and from the sounds of it trying to get him to leave me. I totally trusted DH but I didn't want that friendship to continue, her hanging out with him and possibly spreading lies and putting seeds of doubt into DH's head. She was also good friends with his ex FI and spent way too much energy trying to get ahold of him without me knowing (ie calling the IL's etc)
DH does have other female friends and I'm not bothered by them at all. I also have male friends. I hang out alot with one friend in particular, we met at training for work and hit it off right away. we talk everyday though messenger and on the phone. At first DH was away and wasn't a fan of him, but after meeting him and hanging out with him DH now has zero issues at all and actually suggests we invite him over.
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I've always wanted to believe it was possible (still do) but it never ever EVER worked out well for me when I was single. One always ended up falling for the other. It sucked - no matter what end I was on. I learned my lesson.
Now that I am married, it's easier. I can be friendly with men. Have good working relationships with them. And not worry. I can't imagine going out for dinner with a guy friend. Or yakking on the phone about my problems with a guy friend. What for? That's my husband's job. Or if I need to vent about my husband, (heh) that's what my girlfriends are for.
DH is the same. Polite to women. Works fine with them. But they are not considered his personal friends. With his cultural background, he wouldn't dream of it.
Sure, we have mutual friends of both genders. But he'd never go running to any of the women with any personal problems, and I'd never go running to any of the men. Again I ask "what for"? It can actually end up being a recipe for disaster. I've seen it happen way too many times in marriages.
<Part of my job is counseling people with issues.>
My two best friends are males. Really they are more like my brothers. We have been super tight since grade two and grade six. I was the "Best Man" at one of their weddings. There is no attraction at all between us. My FH is fine with it and has met them both numerous times. When I first met FH I was living with both of them.
The three of us (two bestfriends and I) are planning a trip to Nova Scotia together for next June. We will be staying with one of their parents for about 5 days and exploring the island. I have asked my FH is this brothers him at all and he says it doesn't but I worry that he is not telling the truth. I would never go if it made him the slightest uncomfortable.
FH has one female friend and it doesn't brother me at all.
I think its different though if its a NEW friend. For example, if FH called and said that he was going out for drinks with a new female coworker that I have never met I would probably be uncomfortable with it. I think FH would feel the exact same way if the situation was reversed.
If we were friends prior to Joe and I becoming a couple then I don't see the big deal (same if he was friends with someone before). But I think it is vastly different to become friends with someone new who is of the opposite sex while you are married.
I also think it would make a difference if you or your SO had any friends of the opposite sex before. If not then all of a sudden your husband is friends with Candy and Mandy wouldn't you be all "WTF is going on?"
Short Answer: YES
Lord help my relationship if thats not the case... lol
DH has GFs and I guess I have some Man Friends ("MF"). I'm not even sure how to debate this or make an agrument why we can be friends... For me looking at my friends (and straight as I am) I'm probably more attracted to my GFs than I am any of my MF, so there's definitely no way to pigeon hole people into saying that men and women can't be friends.
And regardless of if theres an attraction or sexual tension, I still think you can be friends.... call me completely naive and too trusting, but its worked for us thusfar, I have no reason to think it shouldn't continue.
Oh and to just add a couple explanations of DH's GFs (all he knew before me)...
... one of them was a stripper when they were friends (they've lost touch in the last few years)
... one picked him up at a bar one night
... another is an ex-girlfriend of his
... random girl in Calaifornia that he met online and did the photography for his album years ago (she's great, we met her a couple years ago when we went to San Fran)
... there are some that he met when his band was more popular...
Wow.... its an interesting collection when you list them.... regardless, I'm not concerned, he loves me and for the most part I know them and get along fine (only one that I didn't really like, but I was never worried about him).
I studied a male-dominated field in university so some of my closest friends from that time are guys, so yes I think it's totally possible.
To say that it's not possible to have a friend of the opposite gender really undermines our need for socialization and friendship, and overestimates our drive for sex and relationships, IMO. Come on now... we're intelligent human beings... surely we don't go into heat every time we're in the presence of the opposite sex. It's almost insulting.
Baby #2: Surprise BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
THIS! Definitely possible!
I had several best friends in high school that were guys, but I don't think any of them were ever truly platonic: either I fell for them or they fell for me (I only ended up dating 1 of them though). I became friends with a guy in college a couple of months after DH and I started dating and quickly realized that I needed to end the friendship because we were getting way too close-talking a lot, hugging, etc. (DH knows all about it, btw).
So, in my opinion, in general, men and women cannot be "just friends" without one of them developing some feelings for the other person.
Ya, I'm not sure I would go that far... I trust my DH, if he wants to go out with one of his female friends I have no problem with that. And he does this whenever he wants.
Vise versa, I wouldn't want to have to worry about finding a chaparone if I wanted to hang out with a male friend of mine.