Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice needed
So I have a bit of a dilemma. My two closest friends have been asking if everything's alright because they can tell there's something going on. Obviously you all know what's going on with the PG and m/s, but I'm not planning on telling anyone IRL aside from family until after the 1st trimester. I've just been playing it off as, "oh, I'm just tired today," or, "oh, it must be the change in weather," or, "oh, I'm just not feeling well today." But I can't keep saying the same thing over and over. They're already suspicious. To top it off one of them sent me an email this weekend saying she noticed that I've been down or had something bothering me the past few weeks, and she wants me to know she's there for me. Also saying that I can feel free to talk to her whenever. AND, she even went on to apologize for always asking about a baby because she didn't even think if I was maybe experiencing fertility problems. I appreciate their concern and totally understand that it's obvious to others that something's going on. BUT, what do I do? How do I skirt the issue? I hate hiding it from them, but I really would prefer to not share the news for a few more weeks until after we know everything's ok. Any suggestions for how to placate their concerns without spilling the beans and/or constantly relying on the "not feeling well" excuse?
ETA: please tell me guys if I'm posting too much about PG-related things. I haven't been posting yet on Bump boards for a few reasons, and I just feel like I can talk to you all about things since this is my "home."
Re: Advice needed
I'm not sure how best to answer this with ways on how to hide this from them.
I understand the waiting part - I've told DH several times that when we are successful, I don't want the whole world to know at first either.
But I also know that if something were to happen, I'd want/need some of my friends around to really lean on.
Now, if it's b/c you're having to break off plans with them b/c you're not feeling well, or you can't plan times to hangout, you could just blame it on busy schedules, etc. I'm not sure how often you see them in person, or if they're sensing it via email/phone convos (most of my best friends live out of state, so not sure if that's the same here or not).
I'm not a lot of help, but that's my two cents, fwiw.
That's hard. I almost had to bail on a dinner date with friends a couple weeks ago, but I took a nap in the afternoon and by some miracle was actually able to eat like a normal person. DH and I don't have close friends in W'burg, and this is probably the only time in my life I'll be happy that my friends live an hour away because it's been relatively easy to avoid the questions.
I completely understand not wanting to tell them. We're not telling anyone (except family) until after our NT scan next Tuesday.
Are there times of day when you feel better? For example, I'm fine to meet friends for lunch but not dinner because I feel the worst after 5pm. Could you try to schedule time with them around you think you'll feel the best?
Maybe make up some stress at work? I know lying isn't the best option, but maybe a white lie about a deadline or something at work that's stressing you out?
When you do tell them, I'm sure they'll understand and you'll probably all laugh about it. It's stressful keeping a secret this big.
This is something I grapple with, but I completely agree with you. If something were to happen I'd want to be able to turn to them, and so it makes me want to share this news earlier than with some of our other friends (especially since one of them already had a baby, so she's a wealth of knowledge that I can't really slyly tap into now).
We get together pretty regularly, but we don't live that close to each other. And, there isn't really a time of day that I feel best...it changes on a daily basis. We're supposed to go to lunch later this week, so hopefully I'll feel ok. I don't know, as much as I was hoping to stick to holding out telling anyone, I may have to sit down and discuss this further with DH. Because for good or bad, I'd want these girls to know. I don't know, it's tough.
I'm very sorry you're feeling like you're in a rock and a hard place! Maybe talking with DH would help like you said... Has he or your mom given you any advice on this or suggestions?
Are you sounding down on the phone/in emails? Maybe get that acting bone going-at least for a little bit if you're not ready to tell them, but life is super busy right now for everyone---you could prob use that for a little bit-maybe?
GL! Wish I had better suggestions!
You don't have allergies, do you? Because now would be a great time of year to blame it on allergies! Plus stress.
However, if these are your two closest friends . . . I might tell them. Just so you have someone else to lean on while you're getting through this first trimester. But only if you know you can trust them not to spill the beans.
I agree that it's good to have people that know who can support you in case something goes wrong (knock on wood!). But you shouldn't feel pressured to tell anyone before you're ready, but if you want to tell someone, I would just advice you to be selective on who you tell. This is by no means to say this could be your story, but this is mine:
When we got pregnant the first time, I couldn't wait and I told my mom and my cousin (she was my matron of honor) right away. Of course they were both very happy. When we m/c a week later and I had to call them to give them the news, and in the following weeks, I found that their reaction was very hurtful. They got over it right away and were immediately on the "you'll get pregnant again" and "move on" train, and that's not what I needed at the time (by right away I mean during the same phone call). They never experienced what I did, so they couldn't understand what was going on in my head. I'm glad they never had the experience, but even though they tried to be supportive, they just didn't know what it was like.
Just a little food for thought. Tell people you want when you're ready. Don't feel like you have to, they'll understand later.
Busy schedule, stomach bug, a bit of a cold, insomnia, all those work. It won't be for long!
SORRY, I don't know what happened... Usually if I get the multiple post it's bc I backspace on accident.
Now to finish what I was trying to say....
I think it's a great idea to discuss letting these friends know now, but like Kristy said, make sure if you do tell them that it's very clear no one else is to know.
If you and DH decide it's best to keep it under wraps a little longer, you might want to use a busy work schedule (even another employee is out and your filling in for them), car troubles, or a new hobby you've taken up as excuses to not see them as much. Or you could just let them know things are a little crazy at the moment and you know they're there for you, but you're just not ready to talk about it. I think they'd understand and maybe lay off the questions.
ETA: After 10 minutes, the post let me come in and edit, so I deleted the 17 duplicates....PITA -- stupid nest sometimes.
I keep going back and forth on it. But, I think I'm leaning towards just saying something along the lines of work has been busy lately coupled with not feeling well due to all the weather changes. They're already suspicious, but I guess this is really all I can say for now, and then everything will make sense once the news comes out in a few weeks. I think after this week we probably won't get together for a few more weeks, so that will help. And, maybe I can try to hide the m/s more on my face...though that's a toughie LOL!
Thanks for all the input, girls!
TTC #1 13 cycles, CP 6/09, TTC #2 1 cycle
CDing, EP'd for 13 months for #1, BFing for #2
Pregnancy Hypertension - inductions at 39w, I grow big babies: DD was 9 pounds 1 ounce 22 inches, DS was 11 pounds even 22 inches - both vaginal deliveries
I would tell them. Just say this is something you want to keep quiet about but you dont want to keep lieing to them.
No matter how clear you tell people that you only want THEM to know. Someone will tell someone, then they will "accidentally" say something and then the cat is out of the bag.
Speaking from experience, no matter how much you feel obligated to tell someone, even your closest friends, unless YOU are comfortable doing so, DON'T. Not because of things happening but because it should be done the way you want to, when you feel better, and on your time.
Change in vitamins, a new medication, new work out routine, stress at work, allergies, new diet, small bout of insomnia, spring cleaning, etc. All of these things are great white lies to tide you over until you, dh, and baby are ready to step out of the bun-in-the-oven closet.
In the meantime, you are ALWAYS welcome here. Those tri boards can be very scary. No such thing as too much baby talk to me.
I can't speak for everyone but I know that I am sensitive to it at times and I just avoid it when I am having one of those down days. The other girls are probably the same way.
On a positive note, sounds like you've got some great friends that I am sure will be thrilled once you make your big announcment.
This, as much as you don't want the whole world to know right now if these ladies are your closest friends and you trust them not to tell anyone else I think it would be best to tell them so that they can not only be happy for you but if something horrible does happen they can be their to support you.
I would tell my friends because I just tell them things, even when I plan not to. I'm not that good at keeping secrets about myself.
If you really wanted to hlod off, though... Just tell them that there is something in the works that is occupying your mind and until you know more about the future of it, you don't want to share - but they'll be the first to know once you know.
Dude, I am really late to this, but I would find one or two good friends and let them know. I had the opposite effect than Lore's friends - the few that knew about the m/c were super supportive and then were SUPER excited when we got pregnant again.
But, I was way paranoid and wore all black to slim myself down so no one guessed I was knocked up until 24 weeks.
You can't keep it a secret forever; but I would tell some trusted friends I guess.