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My OG (original girl): Long
Oh man, I just needed to come here and outpour, these emotions feel heavy...
I've been missing my little 'big girl', Maya, since Samara arrived and it's been weighing on me, in my souped up hormonal state. Being at home with the two girls during the day means that there are a lot of times where both need me at the same time and I have to choose who I go to...and oftentimes, Maya loses out, as much as it pains me. However, Samara is so little and I can't explain to her just yet that Maya needs me too, whereas I CAN tell Maya "Sorry honey, let me feed your sister/put her to bed etc first then I can play with you/pick you up etc..."
She wakes up a lot at night, often she will be crying sadly in her bed or standing at our door or the like and Josh will go to her because I need to be with Samara as I'm breastfeeding her. She has tried to climb into our bed but we don't want her going back into the habit of co-sleeping with us so Josh takes her back to her bed and sleeps next to her until she falls asleep.
She misses me a lot, it's showing. I catch her glances at me at times when I'm holding Samara and breastfeeding her and it's like she feels she's lost me or something (at least that's the vibe I get from her glances).
Then tonight...I tell her "C'mon, wanna have a bath?!" and she gets all excited and goes to wait for me in the bathroom (her nightly ritual is playing on the shower floor while Josh has his nightly shower so ME giving her a bath is a change for her). Then I get distracted because Samara needs me for 10 minutes and when I walk to the bathroom she has this "It's ok, you've forgotten me again" look. Ugh 
When it was time to get her out of the bath, I stood up, turned my head to look in the mirror for, literally, 5 seconds to wipe mascara off from under my eye, spotted Maya wobbling to regain balance and as I'm rushing to her she slips under the water on her back.
It felt like I was moving in slow motion, I just couldn't get to her fast enough. And this was EVEN when I was standing RIGHT in front of the bath. It happened THAT quickly and I felt like I moved THAT slowly.
There she was, laying on the bottom of the bath, her eyes and mouth huge in terror, swalllowing water...on her way to drowning.
Finally, I dove my hands in, lifted her under her arms and pulled her out, choking and desperately trying to force air back into her lungs. When she started crying, I just stood there holding her, my legs weak and shaking.
I haven't been able to wipe that image of her face on the bottom of that bath, deep underwater. It felt like she was on the bottom of the ocean and drowning, it felt like it took me that long for my hands to get to her. Tears are falling even now, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
I know she's ok. In fact, a few minutes of me holding her after the bath incident and she was smiling again and talking as if nothing happened. However, I've been feeling SO VERY vulnerable these past 8 weeks about my girls safety. That feeling I've had since Maya was born, that vulnerability, that "now the world really CAN hurt me" feeling...it's doubled now and been playing on my mind.
I know I'm probably going through hormonal stuff, maybe a touch of PPD (I did after Maya was born too) so I'm trying to keep these feelings in check and just enjoy the both of them but it's a tough time for us all at the moment. I know things will calm down soon and get better but, geeze the heartstrings are being wrenched right now.
I mean, I feel so bad that the bit of quality time she gets with me and I almost let her drown! She was so happy before it happened, ugh...*** happens I suppose
Thanks for letting me dump this on ya lol.
Just to add, needlessly really, that you can NEVER step away from kids ,even for a second, when they're in the bath (or pool or whatever), they can drown so bloody fast. I knew this... but it really pounded home tonight how quickly it can happen.
Re: My OG (original girl): Long
Oh Tina, that sound terrifying!
Regarding not having as much time for Maya anymore I've heard the same thing from lots of my friends who have had a second or third baby.
Maybe Josh could have some bonding time with Samara so you and Maya can have some mommy-n-me time?
You're doing a wonderful job raising your beautiful girls!
Hugs
Married Bio
oh honey, i think you can use a big hug right now. sorry, you are feeling this way. i can just imagine how it can feel overwhelming with the two kids and missing your alone time with maya. like pp said, hopefully, it will get better. at least even if you cannot give maya your full attention now, josh is there for her.
that is really scary what happened in the tub. please do not be too hard on yourself though. ((hugs))
I just want to hug you and tell you that you are an awesome mommy! Soon enough, Samara will be competing with Maya for attention. It'll go back and forth, depending on who needs you the most at the time. Just part of having a sibling. Hell, I still compete with my sister and we have kids of our own now!
As far as the bathtub incident, you need to forgive yourself. A great lesson learned, enough said. The story of the bathtub might even end up being Urban Legend in your household
Give yourself some time to adjust and your hormones some time to get back in check, you'll be back to normal soon!
Aw hugs! Having a sibling is good for Samara - she's learning (albeit painfully) to share. Not being the centre of your parents' universe takes some time to get used to, but she will. If it makes you feel any better, I developed a stutter when my little brother was born as a way to try to get my parents' attention. I was 3, have no memory of this, and it disappeared relatively quickly.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
Oh sweetie...(((big hugs))) for you.
I can't imagine how scary the bathtub incident must have been - I know it was over quickly and Maya is OK, but it must have still been awful.
And I think the way you're feeling right now is natural and part of a normal transition...that doesn't necessarily make it easier, I know. Like Ericka said, the good thing is that even if you can't give Maya your full attention right now, Josh can be there for her - that's a wonderful thing.
Your post hit home with me because I am terrified that I'll end up giving one of our twins preferential treatment - not on purpose, but maybe one will be needier than the other, or more reactive to my presence, or whatever. I really don't know what I would do to deal with that...at any rate, I think you're a great mama and you're doing a fantastic job!
Oh Tina, I could cry reading your post. Call it pregnancy hormones, call it crazy lady, call it empathy, whatever... I could write a similar post only my 2nd is just still baking in my belly... just starting to bake! Part of me feels a tiny bit guilty (if that's the right word, I'm not sure...) for getting pregnant when Bella is still a baby. Like I'm stealing her baby days away from her and focusing my attention on someone/something else, I'm not sure how to describe it exactly, maybe you understand because Maya is still little too... I feel like she'll never have me to herself, I've actually cried about it already (ok so maybe I am an emotional pregnant lady!). Like I'm robbing her of her time with me alone, like I'm robbing her of a bond that we could've shared but won't because I'm bringing a new baby into her life at such an early stage in her little life. It's odd...
I too have the fear that you are expressing here, that I'll be BF #2 and Bella will be staring at me wondering where HER mommy went! I'm also a tiny bit afraid that I'll end up tandem nursing (which I DO NOT want to do) because I'll feel guilty that I'm stealing nursing her longer because of #2... I mean maybe I would've nursed until she was 18 months, who the hell knows. It's constantly in the back of my head. It's a tough pill to swallow. I mean we wanted them close, don't get me wrong, but I still have that feeling... My mom swears that you never love one more than the other but its an odd thing... Not like I'll love Bella more, but I think you feel guilty because in your case, Maya is the older one and she knows whats going on. So because Maya is able to express her emotions (by tears, climbing in your bed, giving you the 'evil' eye), you view it as you are a bad mom and you 'took' something from her by having another child...
I already feel like Ryan and I don't spend enough alone time together just because he's working 2 jobs, I'm working crazy hours and we both want to spend time with the baby when we aren't working. Instead of ever having alone time, we just have family time because we don't want to be away from her for another minute. What will it be like with 2?! I fear that he'll be like Josh taking care of Bella and I'll be taking care of #2 and won't get enough time with Bella because I'm busy working and then BFing...
In the end, I can't imagine having an only child, it's not my thing. I love my siblings and can't imagine my life without them! Even when they make me crazy. However, I can't help but wonder if our parents felt the same way when we were little... like torn between children...
Like other pp said, can Josh help with Samara more so you can do things with Maya? Maybe a play date at the park when Samara has a full tummy? Maybe paint Maya's nails or something while Samara's sleeping? Do you have a friend/family member that can come keep Samara quiet for an hour so you could play with Maya in the other room? I'm just tossing out some ideas. I for sure want to be sure that I still have my one on one time with Bella because like you said, I'm sure I'll miss it! You crave it just as much as Maya does.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way, I think it's completely natural... did you just read this LONG post I wrote! I feel this way and #2 isn't even close to being here yet! I wish I could give you a big hug! If I lived closer I'd stop by and keep Samara company so you could love little/big Maya
(((HUGS)))
I totally wonder if I'll feel the same way if we have another baby. And if we have another, I want it to be within kind of the same time frame that you had yours so that they'll be close in age. I'm sure things will start to get better once Samara is more able to interact and Maya can play with her. They'll probably end up the best of friends (most of the time).
I am sorry. I know it must be so tough juggling two babies. All of my friends & family that have two or more kids, all say the 2nd baby was the hardest b/c that is when you have to learn to multi-task.
I am only child & I was always wanted a sibling. I had cousins & friends who were like siblings, but I don't know anyone who doesn't adore their siblings...even if there were lots of fights when they were younger (which I missed out on). I think everyone adjusts to their home situation & even though it is a big change for Maya, she will grow to understand & love her new situation & her baby sister!
Hope you are feeling better today!
I'm so sorry... I really can't even imagine having 2. One is plenty!
On the bathtub incident, I kind of know. I've been a lifeguard and have had to pull kids out of the pool before. Mostly b/c parents put them in these floatation devices and expect that to babysit them. They don't realize that all it takes is a quick second, like you saw. I'm sure she is fine, that she only got a bit of water.
I feel like my hormones are still all over the place - I cry reading posts here all the time! And I've been on ADs for years. LO is 5 months now, but I'm still not sure where my head is all the time. And I'm not sure when it's going to come back!
I hope writing made you feel a bit better. I hope things start to look up soon
{{HUGS}}
awww sweetie, you are a great mom and the fact that you are away of maya's wants/needs shows it. there's nothing wrong w/what you are doing, you're doing the best that you can. i can only imagine how hard it must be to have to take care of the both of them! add to it the raging hormones that come with being post partum... it's ok to feel the way that you are right now *hugs*
it's actually quite normal for a lot of kids that age to develop a stutter. my friend's son did this (he is 3) and when they looked into it, the speech pathologist said that it is a totally normal phase that kids that age go through and that it generally goes away after a little time
so it may have been just that too!
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
Oh wow, thank you for the support and amazingness (yes, not a real word but I'm making it a real word lol!)!
You made me cry reading your replies, in a good way of course!
It was a timely reminder re. the bathtub fall because, only the day before, I was bathing her when I started to feel paranoid about Samara's breathing (she was asleep) and considered running to check on her and running quickly back (would have taken me about 20 seconds). Then I thought "No, I won't do that because I should never leave Maya in the bath alone at all".
So, the next day, when she fell in the bath, it hit home even more so.
Sarah, Everything you're feeling, lady, I felt too when I was pregnant with Samara. I already felt guilty lol! Like I was being disloyal to Maya and that our close relationship was going to be splintered, in a way. I soaked up every second of our 'alone time' before Samara was born and just loved her up big time because I figured she's gonna need a surplus to see her through Samara's newborn phase, when I'm tied up caring for this bubba.
Keep reminding yourself, like I have to constantly keep reminding myself; this new little bebe on his/her way is going to be one of the most wonderful gifts you'll give your firstborn. Plus, Bella (and Maya) will learn some great lessons on sharing etc.
I think, as a mum, we always feel guilty. I was talking to my own mum about it the other day and she said she STILL gives herself guilt trips to this day and she has GROWN daughters. I've been trying to lose the guilt, as I feel it's such a useless emotion but it is a hard habit to break.
Lisa, you're really being dropped in the deep end with the pirate bebes, I know! I'd be feeling the same way but I think you and Ben are gonna knock this twins thang outta the park. It's gonna be a steep learning curve at the beginning but you'll eventually find a rhythm and learn to bounce between the two of them.
Remember, twins have that little advantage where they keep each OTHER company, because that's all they've ever known.
Hugs back to everyone, you're all awesome!
Oh and re. Josh and Maya...
He and Maya have not had a great bond up until now because he was nervous for most of her babyhood and so I was doing the majority of her care. He also admitted he didn't feel a bond with her for the longest time.
Maya also wouldn't give him the time of day so this just made it a big cycle.
However, he's really taken over a lot of her care, when he's home from work and the two of them have been forced together...they've created a bond between themselves which is SO awesome. This is what I've been waiting for, for so long.
When she wakes at night, he's there for her, when she gets up at 5am and wants to start the day, he gets up with her and gets her cereal, gets her dressed etc. He takes her out to the park and other places...the list goes on. So, he's doing most of her care and she's starting to let him in a little. She still would rather me be there for her then Josh but...at least she's not punking him off anymore lol.
I asked Josh to mind Samara the other night and Maya and I walked across the road to the beach and played and made a wish on a feather and threw it out to sea (I made up that 'wishing' ritual lol) and she really soaked it up.
It was sunset and it was just really nice. I think we both needed it.